Joke of the day

[Go2GuyFL]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you. the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[Go2GuyFL]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[MERCMAN]

"the first cut is the deepest" lol

[Mr. Man]

There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...
The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski"
With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says," Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

[MERCMAN]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a prayer that was answered. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

She then continued, "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."...

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just wanted to tell my wife the word is 'STERNUM.'"

[lji372]

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet???????















:D last years hide and go seek champion!!!!!

[License2Bill]

What do you call a tall redhead?




A Gingeraffe!

Sent from inside the T.A.R.D.I.S.

[STOGIE BEAR]

Now that football season is here,it must be time for another Blonde Joke.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right
behind thier teams bench. After the game,he asked her how she liked it.
Oh,I really liked it,she replied,especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,but I
just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.
Dumbfounded,her boyfriend asked,What do you mean ?
Well they flipped a coin,one team got it and then for the rest of the game,all they
kept screaming was,Get the quarterback,Get the quarterback, I'm like Hellooooo
It's only 25 cents !!!

[fastblackmerc]

My wife gives me sound advice........



99% sound


1% advice

[mossiehorn]

MALE-FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princes
said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny
long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked
bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whisky, beer and Captain Morgan and never
heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his
house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never
got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin
cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[cruzer]

Four surgeons are comparing the type of patients they consider the easiest to operate on. The first surgeon says " I like to operate on electricians--when you open them up everything is color-coded". The second surgeon says " I prefer to operate onn accountants because , when you open them up everthing is numbered'. The third surgeon says " I think librarians are the easiest because everything inside them is in alphabetical order'. The fourth surgeon says "I've got you all beat. I like to operate on politicians best. They are by far the easiest because they have no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and behind are interchangeable".

[mossiehorn]

The Lunch Order



A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the
waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous
waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top
to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[mossiehorn]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.

Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal ?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question ?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, ' Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one ? ''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh;

' You wouldn't happen to have another example would you ? I must confess I don't know much about history ! '
Sadly, they walk among us !

[mossiehorn]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' (https://mail5.mimecast.co.za/mimecast/click?account=CCSA2A44&code=b8d1593691579f67663fb3828 5f58d84)

[mossiehorn]

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them)
They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.


11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to WALMART?)


12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..


14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Go2GuyFL]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

[lji372]

i've been trying to lose weight and realize what the hardest part of eating vegetables is....


getting them back in the wheelchair




:laugh:

[Jeffonebuck]

Who has made more Money??,,,,,Gold Miners or Gold Diggers ?

[MarauderMax]

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home


It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch."

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"awshit" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

[kirk]

Why can't you trust atoms?





Because they make up EVERYTHING!

[secretservice]

A teenage boy tells his father, "Dad, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor." The father looks confused and says, "Water in the carburetor, that's ridiculous!" But the son insists. "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."

His father, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburetor is.... but I'll check it out. Where is the car?"

"In the pool."

[mossiehorn]

SENIOR DRIVER
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

[lji372]

this one is a day late but here goes:


Must have gotten cheap HIDs.

My HID hi & lo beams work great!

:laugh: i got them from you!! :laugh:

[fastblackmerc]

this one is a day late but here goes:



:laugh: i got them from you!! :laugh:

:laugh: :laugh:

I guess you don't read or can't follow the installation instructions!

:laugh: :laugh:

[Texas Boy]

Yo momma is so fat, I asked her what her favorite color was and she said Long John Silver.

[Mr. Man]

There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunettes. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them.
When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding".

The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."

So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!"

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!" :D

[Mebot]

Why do blondes have bruises around their navel?























Because blonde guys are dumb too

[Mr. Man]

Reminds me of this one:

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Scroll down vvvvvv































Scroll up ^^^^^^^^

[MERCMAN]

http://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy-bears-on-amazon-com/

[JBFTech]

http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/02/15/jezybuju.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

[1Marauder]

For Valentines day:

Do you know what is better than Roses on your Piano?

[1Marauder]

Tulips on your Organ...!!!

Yes a musicians joke!

Happy VD!

[Donald]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[L.Mark]

http://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy-bears-on-amazon-com/


AWESOME!!! If I could post this to my Facebook wall I would...

[JoeBoomz]

Speaking of Amazon, I laughed huge at this one.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00067F1CE/ref=redir_mdp_mobile?ref_=sr_1 _3&tag=ohmy0c-20

Check out the comments!

[Jeffonebuck]

I had a Dream,,my wife of 33 yrs left me ! So I went to the paper and put in a ad for someone to go out with me to Red Lobster,,,,and when I got home she was back and said lets go now so we can beat the rush.!! I made her leave the Tip.


Sent from my Tapatalk using Morris Code

[JBeezy]

Speaking of Amazon, I laughed huge at this one.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00067F1CE/ref=redir_mdp_mobile?ref_=sr_1 _3&tag=ohmy0c-20

Check out the comments!


Are they serious? Lol!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[L.Mark]

Speaking of Amazon, I laughed huge at this one.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00067F1CE/ref=redir_mdp_mobile?ref_=sr_1 _3&tag=ohmy0c-20

Check out the comments!


Looks like a Dr Who fan built it...

[Spectragod]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.
It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.
It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

[IwantmyMMnow!]

The other night I went on a blind date and things went really great and we went back to my place. Since she was 10 years younger than me, I didn't want to have a disappointing 'performance', so I went in the bathroom right quick to take a Viagra. Well, when I opened the bottle, pills went flying everywhere and some landed in the toilet. The rest of the night went fantastic, but now I can't get the lid on my toilet seat to stay down...



Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog crap when one cuts a fart. The other says,

"Do you mind? I'm eating."

[Spectragod]

A Muslim immigrant goes to a doctor in Dearborn, Michigan and says, "I feel terrible."

The Doctor examines him and then says,
"You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week,
then throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Finally, put a towel over your head hold your face over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days."

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"

"You were homesick…"

[Spectragod]

Can You Imagine Life Without The Irish

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then Istopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,

say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,

Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, andMuldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two

college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks

how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,'

replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom

together when her husband arrived homeunexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~


Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman
replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A
FORTUNE!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with
a frying pan. 'What was that for?'

the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants

pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races
last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The
wife

apologized and went on with
the housework.


Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him
on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking

him unconscious. Upon
re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.
'Your horse phoned'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Spectragod]

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
****************************** ***********************

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

****************************** *****************
"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
****************************** *******
Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

****************************** *********************
Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
****************************** *********************
Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

[Spectragod]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get *****!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"

[Spectragod]

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.



The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police







Adam ate the apple, too!

Men will never learn!!

[chief455]

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"
:D Now that's funny, right there.

[Spectragod]

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry...
I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!......................

[Spectragod]

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind the president.
One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the
president.
Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and
shakes his head no.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor and the fans will love it."
So, Barack shrugs and says, "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing.
The crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right. I would have never believed that."
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."

[chief455]

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind the president.
One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the
president.
Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and
shakes his head no.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor and the fans will love it."
So, Barack shrugs and says, "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing.
The crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right. I would have never believed that."
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."
Now that there is funny, yes it is :P

[License2Bill]

This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it." She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years. But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."

[REAL4WD]

Two Nuns are walking down the street when two men grab them and drag them into an alley. The men start to sexually assault the Nuns. One Nun says "Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does." And the second Nun yells "Mine does."

[Spectragod]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[whitey]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mr. Man]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls. :D

[1Marauder]

Robin Williams dressed as Mork, (Mork from Ork) throwing eggs gently into the air, saying, "Fly my friend, be free!"

[Kickingwing519]

How many democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but it really gets screwed.

[Donald]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike!

[Donald]

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, he turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks 'and' a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams, "Look Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley!

"YOU RIDE IT!"

[JBeezy]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls. :D
Pretty good...

[License2Bill]

What do you get when a topless blonde starts putting sunscreen on a topless brunette?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Your Camera!

[BigM460]

Car Terminology - The joy of Daughters

*

A daughter asked her Dad,*"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

*

Her Dad said,*"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."*** * *

[Bad_S55]

Car Terminology - The joy of Daughters

*

A daughter asked her Dad,*"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

*

Her Dad said,*"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."*** * *

:rofl: :up:

[BigM460]

Yesterday was so hot! On the way home I bought a loaf of bread. By the time I got home, it was toast!

[Bradley G]

Viagra!
I just started taking it!
Not for sex, to keep my slippers dry!

[License2Bill]

A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man from Chicago, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[lji372]

A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man from Chicago, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

^^^^^omfg. Good stuff!!!

[BeeDamn]

looooooooool that's hilarious

[Mr. Man]

A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man from Chicago, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"This one sounds a little to much like a "true life story" ;):D

[1Marauder]

^^^^^omfg. Good stuff!!!

First joke I am ripping off the forum and telling tommorow at work,,,

[License2Bill]

Locked my keys inside the car across the street from a Planned Parenthood. I was pretty hesitant about going inside and asking for a coat hanger to fix a little mistake.

[RubberCtyRauder]

Locked my keys inside the car across the street from a Planned Parenthood. I was pretty hesitant about going inside and asking for a coat hanger to fix a little mistake.


http://i637.photobucket.com/albums/uu92/mdnos/Office%20Building_zps2dwstdar. jpg

[slickster]

What happens when you ride hi

[Spectragod]

HOW TO START A
FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift

The next year, I didn't buy
her a gift.
When she asked me why, I
replied,
"Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight
started.....
______________________________


My wife and I were watching Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do
you want to have sex?'
'No,' she
answered.
I then said,'Is that your
final answer?'
She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd
like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight
started...
______________________________ __


I took my wife to a
restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first.
"I'll have the rump
steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you
worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for
herself."
And that's when the fight
started.....
______________________________ _


My wife at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink
as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know
him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we
split up years ago, and hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said,
"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight
started...
______________________________ __

[Spectragod]

When our lawn mower broke my wife
kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something
else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point.
I found her seated in the tall,
unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk
again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I
was flipping channels .
She asked, "What's on
TV?"
I said, "Lots of
dust."
And then the fight
started...
______________________________ __


My wife was hinting about what
she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something
shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom
scale.
And then the fight
started......
______________________________

[Spectragod]

After retiring, I went to the
Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton
your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair
on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too.'
And then the fight
started...
______________________________ __


My wife was standing naked,
looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she
saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
I replied, "Your
eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began .
. .
______________________________ __


I rear-ended a car this morning .
. . the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other
car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said
'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one
ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started!

[slickster]

Sir why are you going so fast.? http://m.break.com/video/guy-with-stuttering-problem-avoids-speeding-ticket-2799742

[CWright]

Sir why are you going so fast.? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ovTUQs7p3YE


Man, I'm in tears! :lol:

[fastblackmerc]

How many animals can fit onto a pair of panty hose?

Two calves

An ass

A bunch of hairs

One beaver

And a fish no one can find!

[Pat]

Told to me yesterday.

A certain man presented himself to Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates to gain entrance into heaven. While waiting for St. Pete to tabulate his "good's" verses "Bad's" he noticed that the wall behind the podium was full of clocks.

The man inquired about the purpose of the clocks and was told each person has a clock and the hands move only when they tell a lie.

The man pointed to one and asked "who does that clock belong to"? Mother Theresa came the reply and it hasn't ever moved. How about that one the man asked? Well that belongs to Abraham Lincoln and it has moved only twice.

"Well, asked the man, do you have one for Obama"? St. Peter said yes but it was in God's office where he uses it as a ceiling fan.

[Mr. Man]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/randoms-wed-greatness-34.jpg?w=500&h=375

[Mr. Man]

Sorry for the french
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mkQODQfOMic/Ssq7pAVkVeI/AAAAAAAAACs/mU9G6kmEHXc/s400/GirlScouts.jpg

[MGDriver]

It's an old one so you've probably already heard it but...


How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

Because we are efficient.

And don't have a sense of humour.

[Mr. Man]

Subject: Looking for help.....





.http://img2.thejournal.ie/inline/2618810/original/?width=357&version=2618810

The ad reads:



This is Lexi, she is an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.

[cat in the hat]

http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/128/114/1/S1281141/slug/l/helen-keller-mittens-1.jpg

[Mr. Man]

http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/128/114/1/S1281141/slug/l/helen-keller-mittens-1.jpgYour going straight to H3ll for that one Frank:eek:

[daddyusmaximus]

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc306/daddyusmaximus/Misc/13327502_924355361010224_29208 90648012264633_n_zpsgm4bjte0.j pg (http://s219.photobucket.com/user/daddyusmaximus/media/Misc/13327502_924355361010224_29208 90648012264633_n_zpsgm4bjte0.j pg.html)

[daddyusmaximus]

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc306/daddyusmaximus/Misc/Rob%20Lowe%20Marauder_zpsdnunt ev7.jpg (http://s219.photobucket.com/user/daddyusmaximus/media/Misc/Rob%20Lowe%20Marauder_zpsdnunt ev7.jpg.html)

[daddyusmaximus]

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc306/daddyusmaximus/Misc/Baby%20its%20cold%20outside%20 Trump%20and%20Clinton_zpszptkx fbk.jpg (http://s219.photobucket.com/user/daddyusmaximus/media/Misc/Baby%20its%20cold%20outside%20 Trump%20and%20Clinton_zpszptkx fbk.jpg.html)

[daddyusmaximus]

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc306/daddyusmaximus/Misc/Prius%20hurt_zpsacjqoo2k.jpg (http://s219.photobucket.com/user/daddyusmaximus/media/Misc/Prius%20hurt_zpsacjqoo2k.jpg.h tml)

[ChiTownMaraud3r]

Yeah talk about joke of the day....lol.

[Pat]

Leaving the store, I couldn't find my keys. They weren't in my purse. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car might be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police and gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband, "I left the keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice, "are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off." Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will. just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car".

Welcome to the golden years.

[Spectragod]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat… As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”




She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”




“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,

when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name..”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

[camelgrundle]

Haha that's a good story right there^

[MOTOWN]

Haha that's a good story right there^

That made me laugh hard as hell!:bows::bows:

[1Marauder]

,me too.... Tonto Goldstien... Hahaha my friends call me Bubba... Hahaha

[daddyusmaximus]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch tools from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from electricity pole across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little ****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for animal shelter to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon or stick in piece of hot dog.
2. Feed to dog, JOB DONE !!!

[MGDriver]

This was originally published in a satirical Polish newspaper that someone translated to English. The translation isn't perfect and might sound a little odd at times but just keep in mind it wasn't done by a native tongue, I still think you might get a good laugh out of it.

Some background information to understand what it is about and why it was done: As most of your will probably know, Britain will soon be leaving the European Union in what they call a Brexit. The largest foreign population in Britain at the moment are the Poles, upon Brexit they will loose their rights to be living and working in the UK and must return to Poland unless they apply for British citizenship. The following satire basically describes why so many Poles are living and working in the UK, what they think of the British especially when it comes to their work and also what the British think of the Polish.


The institute of work ethic at the university of Birmingham has recently conducted a comparative study of the different labour methods between British and Polish workers, the result can be best described as something like this:

Imagine at 5:30 the morning, the bell rings at your door. It‘s Bolek and his Polish crew to renovate your apartment. Six energetic faces that can only mean one thing: "Let us work, work, work!" At the same time in a different place: The British plumber is active too, he snores. His facial impression can only mean one thing: "Let me sleep, sleep, sleep!"

5:32 Bolek and his crew unload their van. They drove through the night from Poland. On their way they stopped in Germany to built a double garage and tiled two roofs in Belgium. You explain Bolek what to do. Renovate the entire apartment: remove all wallpapers; put a wall breakthrough in the living room; renew all electric installation and plumping; plaster, paint and repaper every wall, laminate all rooms, tile the kitchen and bathroom. Bolek is disappointed, he thought there was work for the whole day.

6:30 The British plumber turns over in his bed.

7:00 Your apartment looks like London in 1941. All wallpapers are down. Bolek, Leschek and Malek install new power cables. Antek and Spishek are plastering the walls and Franek prepares the kitchen for the laminate and tiles.

7:30 The British plumber gets up. He goes into the bathroom, looks at himself in the mirror and declares: The British middle class has never been doing so bad as today!

7:50 The Poles have completed plastering their first wall.

8:00 The British plumber eats his breakfast. Then he picks up his apprentice and is on his way to you. On their way they notice that they still have refuel before work so they stop and have two beers each. Now they are ready for work!

9:30 The Poles have completed the first room of your apartment. They have been working for four hours straight and seem a little tired so you suggest a little break but Poles have their own method. They unscrew a power outlet to touch its pins, after that everybody is wide awake and continues working.

9:35 The British plumber is at your door. He looks like the big brother of Barney, wearing a boiler suit and shirt with the inscription: "Beer formed this beautiful body!" His pants are hanging low, revealing his buttocks, the so-called "plumber's cleavage". He greets you with the phrase "It‘s Miller Plumbing, are you the clogged siphon? " You nod and let him in.

10:15 The Poles have completed the second room.

10:20 The British plumber looks at your clogged siphon and says the standard plumbers phrase: "Oh, oh, oh, that‘ll be pricy" An important sentence as each "Oh" means £50 more than the original quote. "Oh, oh, oh, that‘ll be pricy!" is one of four sentences that British plumbers will learn during their education. The other three phrases are: "If I were you, I‘d just renew everything", "That wasn‘t me, it was already broken!" and "Do you really need an invoice?" After reviewing the siphon the plumber stands up and takes a break.

11:00 The Poles start painting the walls.

11:30 The British plumber finishes his break and starts working on the siphon. Beside him is his apprentice. British plumbers will always come with an apprentice because the British plumbing business is structured hierarchical. At the top is the master, then comes the assistant, the apprentice and then, all the way at the bottom, you. The actual task of the apprentice has not yet been discovered. In most cases he is just standing there with his mouth open. At least 80% of British apprentices spend the entire working day with their mouths open. Anthropologists have suggested that this is a safety mechanism, as long as the apprentice has his mouth open, the master knows that he‘s still alive and breathing. One cannot tell this from the movements of the apprentice because they are non existant while the master is at work. The British apprentice actually moves so little in his work day that the Chamber of Commerce has in fact started prescribing compression stockings for apprentices.

11:45 The Poles are tiling the bathroom.

11:50 The British plumber discovers that he‘s missing a socket so he sends the apprentice off to the van to get it. You figure that at his speed with the distance to the van and back you could already wish him a Happy Easter, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year until you see him again. Meanwhile the master looks at you and notices that he‘s thirsty so you offer him a glass of water but he declines: "I don‘t want to wash myself, I'm thirsty."

12:15 Small comunication problem with a Pole, Franek made a mistake. You noticed it when he came out of your kitchen and proudly announced: "The sauna is finished!“ You look in the kitchen and realise he stuck the laminate to the walls and the tiles on the floor.

12:20: The British apprentice returns with the socket but of course it‘s the wrong size, the correct one doesn‘t exist. The master sends him off to a hardware store to buy one. Their hourly wage comes to mind and you begin to realise that this trip could cost you a mortgage.

13:30 Franek fixed the kitchen and completed the entire electric installation in your apartment.

15:00 After his lunch break, the British plumber groans in pain as he tried to continue work on the siphon. A critical moment for you. If a British plumber starts to grimace with pain in front of you, it is absolutly important to respond in only one correct way: Ignore it! Look away! Pretend as if you hadn‘t noticed! But of course you make the big mistake to ask the plumber if everything is fine. The answer: "Calcification in the elbows. Horrible, you know? I've been to thousands of doctors I tell you, let me go grab the radiographs from the van to show you."

15:10 Bolek and his crew is done. Your apartment is all renovated and clean. The total adds up to just £200. The Poles will now drive to Scotland for their next job.

15:50 You learned about the the entire medical history of the British plumber, his family, his friends, his dog and the family and friends of his dog. You know his hemorrhoids better than he knows your siphon and of course there is only one reason for his illness: The work, the stress, the pressure he has in his medium sized business. This overwhelming pressure and these inhumane taxes. If he didn‘t do black labour there was no way he could pay his taxes. On top of everything the socialist green government gives him the rest. He can not eat or drink. He does not even want to have sex with his wife. As he downs his seventh beer, you wonder how plumbers even have sex. Do they yell "Darling, I'm coming" or "Darling, get ready. I'm coming between 8 and 2 o‘clock" during orgasm and do they charge her for additional services?

15:58 Suddenly the plumbers watch beeps, closing time! You are getting nervous, what about the siphon? You suggest that the plumbers could maybe work a bit of overtime but master and apprentice look at each other like two Teletubbies. Brain researchers have found out that the word "overtime" can not be placed in a meaningful context by any British plumber. They both pack their tools and ask for a total of £420 in labour costs. They are still going to repair your siphon and will drop by again soon. The best way is for you to stay ready between May and September, thank you!

[al831]

A guy is drunk at a bar, he pukes all over his shirt tells his friend that his wife is going to be mad. his friend says "tell her someone at the bar puked on you and put a $10 bill in your shirt for the cleaning". He goes home and his wife is pissed, he tells her someone puked on his shirt and the fellow put $10 in his pocket. wife reached in his pocket and pulled out a $20, he said "oh yeah he **** in my pants too

[1Marauder]

I am 55 years old. I first told this joke in public when I was 18 years old in PE... aAfter which was told to "take a lap!" Mr. Woodcock style.

I was at the Doctor recently discussing differenet blood tests when I innocently asked the younger Doctor, "What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?" The Doctor went on and on explaining the biological differences until I stopped her... And said, Doc, you are too young--that is the oldest setup ever. She smiled and said, "Ok, what is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone??" I responded, "You can't hear an enzyme!"

[sailsmen]

The problem with that is hors don't mone.

[Mr. Man]

A guy walks into a bar with a box and sets it on the bar. The bartender says "What's in the box?" The guy opens the box and pulls out a brass lamp and a tiny concert piano and a twelve inch midget dressed in a tuxedo. Bartender looks puzzled and does one of these :dunno:. So the guy whispers something to the midget and the midget begins to play a Beethoven melody. "Wow" says the bartender, "How did you get him, he plays wonderfully"? "Well" says the guy, "I got him by rubbing this genie lamp and the genie gave me a wish". "Want to try it"? The bartender says "Yes" and rubs the lamp. Out pops a genie and asks the bartender for his wish. The bartender thinks for a second then exclaims "Got it" and wishes into the genies ear. A few seconds goes by and all of a sudden a duck walks into the bar, then another and another. After a dozen ducks walk into the bar and more keep coming in after those 12 the bartender says "I wished for a million bucks, not ducks" The guy looks at the bartender and says "I think the genie is hard of hearing, do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist"? :D

[Mr. Man]

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall . The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the Bike shop next door to that."

[1Marauder]

They do when they are with me!

[Mr. Man]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam"!

:xtree::santaw::xtree:

[MyBlackBeasts]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam"!

:xtree::santaw::xtree:

:bop1::banned::rofl:

[Mr. Man]

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."