Joke of the day [Archive] - Page 6 - MercuryMarauder.net Forums

RCSignals

03-18-2007, 01:05 PM

Subject: SHAGGY DOG STORY
A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3
of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all
of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his
daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern
education is coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at
Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in on
that program?" just send him down here with $1,000" he boy says. "I'll
get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's
talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program
that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program?" Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His
father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read <script></script>
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still
messing'around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a ***** before he talks
to your Mother!"

I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

SC Cheesehead

03-19-2007, 06:01 AM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says," A circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

SC Cheesehead

03-20-2007, 07:58 AM

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 7 days since my last confession and I've been with a woman of loose morals."

The priest asks, "Is that you, Timmy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now! Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say," Timmy replied.

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please Father, I cannot tell you"

"The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church or Mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Timmy walked back to his pew.

His friend Sean, slides over and whispered, "What did you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Krytin

03-21-2007, 04:11 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so
she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off, " she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He
did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

SC Cheesehead

03-22-2007, 10:18 AM

Ole and Sven a got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They had a great hunt and ended up bagging six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. Ole and Sven objected strongly. Ole tells the guy, "Last year we shot six moose and dat pilot let us put dem all on board; an' he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck one Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"
To which Ole replied, "Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

magindat

03-22-2007, 10:36 AM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The wolf jumps up and runs away.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf." <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off? I'm trying to take *****!"<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

chrish

03-23-2007, 07:14 AM

ANY........................... .............:burnout: :cool4:

Bill Lalk

03-23-2007, 03:15 PM

Who's there!

SC Cheesehead

03-23-2007, 08:43 PM

Haifa!

SCCH

Pat

03-24-2007, 04:48 AM

Haifa what?

SC Cheesehead

03-24-2007, 06:40 AM

Haifa a cake is better than none.:P

Knock knock......

RoyLPita

03-26-2007, 10:27 AM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

SC Cheesehead

03-26-2007, 03:27 PM

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man.

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." claims the old man.

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man.

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention. "But ye screw one goat..."

SC Cheesehead

03-30-2007, 07:54 AM

One cold, nasty winter night Lena woke up her Ole and said, "The baby's coming, Ole, you had better call the doctor."

The phone and electricity were out, so Ole hopped on his snowmobile and rode ten miles for the doctor. The doctor came back, examined Lena, and said, "Yep, she's in labor. Ole, make yourself useful. Light a kerosene lantern, and hold it just right there, and I'll deliver the baby."

Ole held the lantern and pretty soon the doctor said, "Here it comes, Ole—you're the father of a baby boy! But wait, Ole, hold the lantern steady—" and a few minutes later, the doctor said, "It's twins, Ole, you're the father of twins! But hold the lantern steady, Ole—I think it's going to be triplets!"

About then, Ole walks away with the lantern, and the doctor hollers at him, "Ole, come back here, I can't see a thing!"

Ole hollers back, "T'ree's enough Doc, I tink da light's attracting 'em!"

whd507

04-01-2007, 05:45 PM

a major city in the midwest was having a huge pigeon problem, and nobody knew what to do about it. after months of debate, the mayor announces a $10 million award to anyone who can find a solution. a week passes, and then an old farmer comes into the mayors office. He said he would solve the pigeon problem, and he would do it for free if the mayor didnt ask any questions. the mayor agrees to these great terms, and the old farmer goes out to his truck and brings out a bright blue piegon. he releases it, and instantly it shoots straight up into the sky. all the city's pigeons race after it, and dissapear into the horizion. within minutes the city is pigeon-free.

the mayor sees all this, and reaches for his checkbook.
the old farmer responds, " I told you it would be free if you didnt ask any questions" the mayor says, but I have one...

do you have any blue criminal aliens?

BruteForce

04-01-2007, 07:25 PM

...do you have any blue [insert racist target de jour]?

That one has been around a very long time. As you can see it is very versatile so its likely be around for a long time to come.

whd507

04-01-2007, 07:33 PM

"criminal alien" is non-racist. as criminal aliens come from everywhere. sure one group has center stage right now, but it was intended as non racial.

SC Cheesehead

04-02-2007, 07:57 AM

Hey, ya gotta love my home state!

Subject: FW: WI Bureau of Tourism
HOW TO SAVE YOUR ASS IF YOU PLAN TO VISIT WISCONSIN THIS SUMMER ISSUED BY THE WISCONSIN BUREAU OF TOURISM TO ALL VISITORS:
1) Don't order Filet Mignon or Pasta Primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's called "soda." Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate and let her win. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don’t laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, Minneapolis, and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, interstate 90, 94 and 43 are ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Chicago.
12) Don't ridicule our manners. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA.: Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.
15) The Green Bay Packers are not a joke. God created the greatest football dynasty ever and placed it in Green Bay. Any jokes about the Packers or Vince Lombardi will result in a severe and unrelenting ass kicking.
16) If you are from Atlanta, for your own safety, say you are from somewhere else, lest you get your ass kicked. (Take three sports franchises from Milwaukee and we have a tendency to hold a grudge.)
17) If you are looking for a water fountain, you'll need to go to a park. Water comes out of bubblers here. Make a joke about it, and you guessed it, another ass kicking.
18) Sausage Races are cool. Make fun of it, and one of the Sausages will come up from the field of Miller Park and lay down an 8-foot sausage ass kicking on you.
19) The University of Wisconsin is the oldest, best school in the Big Ten. Any jokes about the quality of UW will result in Barry Alvarez, Ron Dayne, Dick Bennett, Bo Ryan, Crazylegs Hirsch, Alan Ameche, Pat Richter, and any able bodied UW students assisting Bucky Badger in his class, Ass-Kicking 101.
20) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us that hunting is cruelty to animals and venison is not edible meat. This will get your ass shot (after it is kicked). Say this twice and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Now enjoy your visit and then go home!

SC Cheesehead

04-09-2007, 12:24 PM

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife what the doctor has told him; he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do
it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?"She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who arouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."

Bluerauder

04-09-2007, 01:12 PM

:laugh: :laugh:

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."
Or maybe .... "If you ask me one more time, you'll have less than 4 hours to live."

SC Cheesehead

04-12-2007, 06:42 AM

:laugh: :laugh:

Or maybe .... "If you ask me one more time, you'll have less than 4 hours to live."

Ha! Good point!

magindat

04-12-2007, 11:39 AM

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken Wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, D!ckh3^d? Drink your fvck!ng beer in your g0dd^mn frozen mug and eat your m0th3r-fvck!ng snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got that, ^$$hole?"

And, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

jgc61sr2002

04-12-2007, 02:49 PM

Very sweet.:D :rofl: :laugh: :lol:

SC Cheesehead

04-12-2007, 06:53 PM

A 19 year old girl marries an older Chinese gentleman who is kind and a man of the world. On their wedding night the bride is terrified and is hiding and crying under the blankets.

The groom, seeing her distress and fear says, "Do not worry rittle brossom. We no have to do "the big thing" tonight. We get to know each other. We can talk and then before we go sleep, maybe we have some number 69."

The sobbing girl stops crying looks up in bewilderment and says, "69?....You wanna have beef and broccori?"

Hotrauder

04-13-2007, 07:10 PM

It is important for men to remember that, as women
>> grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain
>> the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
>> younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
>> them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
>> worse than an oversensitive woman.
>>
>> My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the
>> situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few
>> years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a
>> full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
>> extra income and for the health benefits that we
>> needed. Shortly after she started working, I
>> noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
>> get home from the golf club about the same time she
>> gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I
>> am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
>> an hour or so before she
>> starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell
>> her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
>> dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
>> Men's Grill at the club so eating out is
>> unreasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub
>> when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as
>> soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
>> unusual for them to sit on the table for several
>> hours after dinner.
>>
>> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
>> several times each evening that they won't clean
>> themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as
>> it does seem to motivate her to get them done before
>> she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is
>> complaining, I think. For example she will say that
>> it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
>> monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we
>> take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and
>> offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
>> over two or even three days. That way she won't
>> have to rush so much. I also remind her that
>> missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
>> her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think
>> tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple
>> jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
>> periods. She had to take a break when she was only
>> half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a
>> scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
>> nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
>> and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is
>> making one for herself, she may as well make one for
>> me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in
>> the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that
>> showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
>> will find it difficult. Some will find it
>> impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
>> frustrating women get as they get older. However,
>> guys, even if you just use a little more tact and
>> less criticism of your aging wife because of this
>> article, I will consider that writing
>> it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on
>> this earth to help each other.
>>
>> Signed,
>> Jim
>>
>> EDITOR'S NOTE:
>> Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.
>> The police report says he was found with a Calloway
>> extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club
>> jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
>> showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife
>> Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.
>> The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her
>> Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow,
>> without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
>> club.

MERCMAN

04-16-2007, 06:42 AM

Take 60 seconds to do this, I guarantee you will show someone else.

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type " New York " in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type " London " in the second box (the "to" box)
6. click on "get directions"
6. scroll down to step #23

I wonder if that person still has a job, probably promoted!!

Haggis

04-16-2007, 07:08 AM

I wonder if that person still has a job, probably promoted!!

Probably hired by Ford.

SC Cheesehead

04-16-2007, 07:56 AM

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the school of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go and read the third word in each line from the top down....

SC Cheesehead

04-19-2007, 05:53 AM

These will get you scratching you head.....
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME STUFF, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the sametune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

duhtroll

04-19-2007, 10:11 AM

In light of the addition of the wheels...

"Luggage" has been renamed "draggage."

Local Boy

04-19-2007, 01:00 PM

Here's another:
Why are there mail boxes outside the door of the Post office?
Why do police men lock thier police station lockers?
Why was humpty dumty sitting on the wall in the first place? He's an egg for goodness sake! And how does horses help to put an egg together again?

Dr Caleb

04-20-2007, 08:26 AM

Why do police men lock thier police station lockers?

Lawyers may be nearby.

TooManyFords

04-20-2007, 03:27 PM

Lawyers may be nearby.

L O L ! ! !

MM03MOK

04-20-2007, 05:01 PM

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing
-
imagine that.

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out...give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken
flies across the room, it's done.

Krytin

04-20-2007, 05:08 PM

Now THAT^^^^was funny!

BruteForce

04-20-2007, 07:42 PM

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

FIRE IN THE HOLE! :D

SC Cheesehead

04-23-2007, 11:26 AM

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing imagine that...
When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

Wadda gal! Not only can she drive, she can COOK!:D

SCCH

SC Cheesehead

04-23-2007, 11:28 AM

Q: Hey, did you hear they've only got 49 participants in this year's Miss America pageant?

A: Yeah, they can't find anybody willing to wear the "Idaho" pennant.

(special thanks to Don Imus for passing this one along.:P )

SCCH

Raudermaster

04-24-2007, 11:58 AM

Here's one....
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><o:p></o:p>Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. <o:p></o:p>
Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
For as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" <o:p></o:p>
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, IT will not rise again for another whole year." <o:p></o:p>
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has this huge stiffie, just as the medicine man promised. <o:p></o:p>
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

Raudermaster

04-24-2007, 12:03 PM

And somo more LOL's.....
Just look out for these people.

<TT>I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.........</TT>

<TT>They walk among us and many work retail!</TT>

<TT>A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.........</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"........</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff" ..........</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific.".......</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."................</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. .....</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20%discount........</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain ripout every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned........</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...............</TT>

<TT>They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." </TT>

<TT>Yep, They Walk Among Us!</TT>

<TT>They walk among us, AND they reproduce!!!!!</TT>

Zack

04-26-2007, 05:54 AM

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

SC Cheesehead

04-30-2007, 06:14 AM

"In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" asks the customer to the clerk.

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The customer, (clearly offended) says, "Well yes I am. But let me ask you
something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
were German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I were
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask me if I was Mexican?"

The clerk says, "Well no."

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," responds the clerk.

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you
ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at the Home Depot."

fastblackmerc

05-07-2007, 10:57 AM

A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS

The son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

(I am told that he never even heard the gun go off!)

Krytin

05-07-2007, 11:42 AM

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad."
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands...

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am
But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said
that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack
of firewood for the whole winter.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><o:p></o:p> <FONT face=We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my
eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be
growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the
commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. <o:p></o:p>

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!<o:p></o:p>

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, your son,
John.

PS. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
<o:p></o:p>

Bluerauder

05-07-2007, 01:50 PM

Krytin

05-08-2007, 05:54 AM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how
much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a
homo."

Haggis

05-09-2007, 11:00 AM

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a
homo."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

SC Cheesehead

05-14-2007, 09:07 AM

It's been one of those days....

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas..... The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Pat

05-17-2007, 02:01 AM

A certain lady went to visit her daughter-in-law one afternoon and didn't bother to knock at the front door but just let herself in.

To her amazement esconced on the couch, in a provocative pose, laid her son's wife, completely naked, with a wine glass in her hand and soft music and low lighting permeating the living room.

Mother was shocked, she exclaimed to her daughter-in-law "what are you doing?" "Your naked!"

The young woman replied, "I'm wearing my love dress." Mother shouted, "your naked".

"Mike likes me in this dress, everytime he comes home and I'm wearing my love dress he instantly takes me in his arms and loves me for hours." the younger woman said.

Mother went home, thought for a moment, then took off her clothes, bathed, perfumed and coffed her hair and posed on the sofa waiting for her husband to come home from work.

When Ralph entered the living room and beheld his wife naked on the couch he asked "what's this". His wife said demurly, "I'm wearing my love dress."

Ralph look at her and replied, "needs ironing", what's for supper"?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.

knine

05-18-2007, 01:55 AM

Why I'm single:

I told the last woman if I ever ended up in a vegitative state, dependant on fluids and electronics to pull the plug. She unpluged the Tv and poured out my beer. She gone.

SC Cheesehead

05-21-2007, 06:05 AM

Check this out.

http://boortz.com/more/funny/redneck_pics_hauling18.html

BTW, what's the GVW on a Panther again?

SCCH

Ken

05-22-2007, 03:00 PM

BEER WARNING!!

Police are warning all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a female needs only to persuade a male to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".

In extreme cases, this can lead to a more serious scam called "marriage". Apparently, males are much more susceptible to this particular scam after "beer" is administered in large quantities and the promise of sex on a regular basis is made by the predatory female

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know
However, if you, or any males you know, fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded gentlemen

For a support group nearest to you, just look up "Football", "Rugby" and "Cricket" Clubs in Yellow Pages......

MM03MOK

05-28-2007, 09:59 PM

Never,
Never,
Ever . . .

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=11 038&d=1180414763

Fart in a Wet Suit<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><o:p></o:p></BLOCKQUOTE>*
<BLOCKQUOTE><o:p></o:p>

fastblackmerc

06-01-2007, 08:00 AM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 50) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!!

SC Cheesehead

06-01-2007, 08:19 AM

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor? "
The Doc replies, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

MM03MOK

06-15-2007, 05:46 AM

A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said , "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then..................",

He sighed,
.....
....
....
....

Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

fastblackmerc

06-18-2007, 07:20 AM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave
me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. (this is my Mantra)

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

BruteForce

06-18-2007, 07:29 AM

Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin it back in.
If you’re ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and to make sure it’s still there.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
After eatin’ an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along & shot him... The moral; when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men: Those that learn by reading. Those that learn by observation. And the rest of us, that have to pee on the electric fence for ourselves.

SC Cheesehead

06-18-2007, 10:42 AM

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants.

To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. This plan solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.

I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas.

Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it.

I love it when a plan comes together

SC Cheesehead

06-22-2007, 02:05 PM

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk stood behind her watching as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. So, curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Dr Caleb

06-25-2007, 09:26 AM

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. (blush!)

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again . I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will make sure you are OK and then point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

SC Cheesehead

06-28-2007, 06:17 AM

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

MM03MOK

06-28-2007, 04:55 PM

Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in M<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><st1:place w:st=<st1:State w:st="on">ississippi</st1:State></st1:place> "

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought som ething from you today? The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says,"First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."<?xml:namespace prefix = o /><o:p></o:p>

MERCMAN

07-02-2007, 01:07 PM

Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmates

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shat! My glass eye!"
Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!"
Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

SC Cheesehead

07-02-2007, 07:05 PM

:rofl::rofl:^^^^Somebody has WAY too much time on their hands!^^^^:rofl::rofl:

SC Cheesehead

07-03-2007, 09:45 AM

Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

MERCMAN

07-09-2007, 02:26 PM

Rules for the Non Military

Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state of affairs in our great
nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a
few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a
hat) during the playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest---kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them
down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you
were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling
others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe
memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it
will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot.
Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military',
inform them of their mistake---and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her---of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe ass-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We
are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief
(CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless
of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those
big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we
know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation,
they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking
us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked!

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me---stop saying
it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick
your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's
go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls
are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me---if you see
anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can
go kick their ass!

11. 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid'
(Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we
use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you
have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and
religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every
day.Without them, our country would get it's ass kicked."

"It is the Veteran, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

"It is the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It is the Veteran, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

"It is the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is d***** by the flag, who allows the protester to burn
the flag."

(Please pass this on so I won't have to kick your ass!) :-) "If you can
read this, thank a teacher" If you are reading it in English, thank a
Veteran "

I will add one more:

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.

Blackmobile

07-09-2007, 04:30 PM

A Florida Senor citizen drove his Brand New Corvette Convertible out of the dealership.Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph. enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
Amazing he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing, I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the troopers arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday, if you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man paused, and said "Three years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, I thought you were bringing her back.
.
.
.
. Have a good day Sir, replied the trooper.

gonzo50

07-09-2007, 07:09 PM

> A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to
> fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest
> trees.

> The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker
> could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly
> pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

> The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
> The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to
> peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.

> The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
> accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian
> woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

> The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California
> woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
> woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was
> able to peck the tree in their own state?

> After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same
> conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.:lol:

fastblackmerc

07-15-2007, 07:16 PM

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

(This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazz zz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

fastblackmerc

07-25-2007, 07:06 AM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "But I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F__k," the rottweiler ate him!"

SC Cheesehead

07-25-2007, 06:22 PM

Can't Get By These Old Southern Boys!

Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store .. as yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're y'all sellin' here?'

One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling *******s here.'

Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!'

SC Cheesehead

08-07-2007, 11:03 AM

An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with mom and dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."

"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

fastblackmerc

08-08-2007, 10:54 AM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his a$$ again!"

SC Cheesehead

08-09-2007, 05:26 PM

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very litt le fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

BruteForce

08-10-2007, 04:27 PM

...the Balmer way (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIk4qTKmKzE)

BSOD will never die. Long live the BSOD!

fastblackmerc

08-14-2007, 06:34 AM

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

SC Cheesehead

08-14-2007, 09:25 AM

fastblackmerc

08-14-2007, 01:27 PM

Hehy, this works for me!:lol:

SCCH

Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER)

Or

Both??

SC Cheesehead

08-14-2007, 03:31 PM

Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER)

Or

Both??

FBM,

Both.

You oughta know by now, I'm a flexible guy!:lol:

SCCH

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no. I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "Well, it feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell".

BruteForce

08-14-2007, 04:54 PM

He replied, "Well, it feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell".

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Leadfoot281

08-14-2007, 05:48 PM

Q. Why do they teach Sex education just three days a week in Iowa schools?

A. They need the car for Drivers Ed. the other two days.

Bluerauder

08-17-2007, 10:06 AM

Subject: A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual Letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.

I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S ., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?

He got the loan.

BruteForce

08-17-2007, 11:57 AM

Found this guy. LMAO. Anybody who's ever done web dev for a living should get a kick out of these.

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/1/7/1/3/2007-08-14-degrade.gif

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/1/7/1/3/2007-07-30-api.gif

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/1/7/1/3/2007-06-24-whacked.gif

more here... (http://www.socialsignal.com/noise-to-signal)

MM03MOK

08-27-2007, 05:44 PM

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking ! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Raudermaster

08-27-2007, 06:03 PM

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she
is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes,
the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride,
and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat
surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her afond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
"I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You meanI was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

SC Cheesehead

08-27-2007, 06:04 PM

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a dog on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

fastblackmerc

08-28-2007, 05:40 AM

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

fastblackmerc

08-28-2007, 06:06 AM

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their E-mail with their hand on the mouse.

...Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

SC Cheesehead

08-31-2007, 05:47 AM

I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

I rear ended a car this morning...

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

fastblackmerc

08-31-2007, 08:46 AM

***** MASTERCARD WEDDING*****

**** Per www.snopes.com this is an urban legend.****

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest
wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls
the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!

** Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of
jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow...

MM03MOK

09-17-2007, 07:04 PM

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't even get you through intimacy".

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past Seventy Years old and I don't even think about intimacy anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes"...

MM03MOK

09-17-2007, 07:09 PM

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offered to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><st1:country-region w:st=<st1:place w:st=" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Italy</st1:place></st1:country-region> to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a ! post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll see if I can explain it," he said.

The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...

SC Cheesehead

09-18-2007, 04:53 PM

Quiet Game of Golf<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.<o:p></o:p>
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"<o:p></o:p>
"Well, Doc, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.”<o:p></o:p>
“Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours.!’ I don't remember much after that..." <o:p></o:p>

DeadVic

09-19-2007, 02:28 PM

Q. Why do they teach Sex education just three days a week in Iowa schools?

A. They need the car for Drivers Ed. the other two days.

Q- Why do all the trees in Iowa lean to the North?

A- Because MN sux.

SC Cheesehead

09-24-2007, 04:58 AM

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY (UNCLASSIFIED)

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.

Pause:

Static..

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!

Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --

gonzo50

09-29-2007, 01:57 PM

Subject: Catholic Humor

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

****************************** ***************************

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

****************************** ***************************

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

****************************** ***************************

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.

But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.

Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000. is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

****************************** ***************************

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

PhastPhil

10-11-2007, 04:44 PM

Garden Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis), can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them
from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the
stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it
and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under
the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb exploded, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

SC Cheesehead

10-18-2007, 08:06 PM

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting.

Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of swedish meatballs.

Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month.

Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days."

Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And dem Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey was sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out.

Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

fastblackmerc

10-29-2007, 08:04 AM

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

SC Cheesehead

10-29-2007, 09:21 AM

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely
upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking
by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling,
cursing,and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and
ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched
the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I ain't sure, but I think I just beat the sh _ t out of a ghost.'

Happy Halloween

gonzo50

10-31-2007, 01:29 PM

Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of tests had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied:

"I think I just beat the sh#t out of a ghost." :lol:

Happy Halloween......

gmtech

10-31-2007, 03:23 PM

whats the difference between a Tennessee virgin and a Tennessee wh*re?

ones a Titan and the other is a Volunteer:P

fastblackmerc

11-01-2007, 05:42 AM

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

#15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

#14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

#13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

#12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

#11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

#10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

#9 'Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

#8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

#7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop.'

#6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

#5 'In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.'

#4 'How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?'

#3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

#2 'I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

#1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

Krytin

11-01-2007, 08:23 AM

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with our bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

SC Cheesehead

11-01-2007, 09:02 PM

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=10 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=pgname vAlign=center align=left width="100%" height=40>Redneck Pick-up Lines</TD></TR><TR><TD class=content vAlign=top align=left width="100%">

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure is special.
My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

fastblackmerc

11-06-2007, 03:29 PM

This all sounds perfectly logical to me!

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

fastblackmerc

11-07-2007, 10:13 AM

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthrigh t and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

MERCMAN

11-08-2007, 07:16 AM

To BE POSTED VERY LOW ON THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
--canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts. I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the fu rniture.
That's why they call it "fur"niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better t han I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember...

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2 Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't want to wear your clothes
9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

SC Cheesehead

11-08-2007, 11:03 AM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived,so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

And the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

03slickvic

11-09-2007, 11:33 AM

my ford lug nuts take more torque the your honda makes on boost

fastblackmerc

11-09-2007, 01:07 PM

my ford lug nuts take more torque the your honda makes on boost

How about this one:

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Girls/hondasux.jpg

or this one:

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/wellitstrue.jpg

Notice they are MM lug nuts!

TCBO1

11-09-2007, 03:30 PM

What do you call a mexican baptism?

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.
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Bean Dip :coolman:

MERCMAN

11-13-2007, 06:23 AM

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........ "How da **** vas I suppose to pick dem up?

SC Cheesehead

11-13-2007, 09:59 AM

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.

While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole says, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name ain't Valter."

SC Cheesehead

11-13-2007, 08:42 PM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Bluerauder

11-16-2007, 12:11 PM

TWENTY DOLLAR INVESTMENT PLAN

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Leadfoot281

11-16-2007, 07:30 PM

Four Norweigian hunters boarded a plane bound for northern Canada for a week of moose hunting. After they arrived they told the pilot to come back in one week and pick them up.

A week goes by and the plane returns. There stands the four Norweigians... and four dead moose. The pilot exclaimed "I can't haul all four of you, your gear, and four dead moose in this little plane!!!"

"That's OK", says one hunter. "We did this last year".

The pilot finally allows them to board the plane, moose and all. The plane roars down the runway, slowly lifts off the ground, then slams into the ground.

After the dust clears one of the Norweigian hunters asks; "Where are we?" His buddy looks out the window and says; "About 100 feet past the spot where we crashed last year."

MERCMAN

11-19-2007, 09:21 AM

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery

SC Cheesehead

11-19-2007, 10:18 AM

Ole and Lena sat around every evening just reading and reading.

Lena read books and newspapers, but Ole he just read the Bible.

Finally one evening Lena says to Ole "why do you yust read the Bible all the time?"

Ole looked up and said "why Lena, the Bible can answer any question you can ask"

To this Lena replied "well what does the Bible say about P.M.S.?"

Ole replied "yust a minute, I got it right here". Ole paged through the Bible for a little while and then said "Lena, here is the answer to your question, 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem.'"

PhastPhil

11-20-2007, 09:45 PM

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob," where
a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the
woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems. "All these years,
everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved
the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee....

MERCMAN

11-22-2007, 04:04 PM

http://www.biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Misc/lawnmowerDUI.html

MERCMAN

11-22-2007, 04:10 PM

They found E.T. In Alabama

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/9/7/6/et.bmp

SC Cheesehead

11-28-2007, 03:06 PM

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

SC Cheesehead

12-03-2007, 05:00 AM

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

MERCMAN

12-13-2007, 12:19 PM

1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?

2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

5. Were you alone or by yourself?

6. How long have you been a French Canadian?

7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

13. So you were gone until you returned?

14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?

16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."

18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy!

19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?

20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long,
hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender....

vkirkend

12-13-2007, 02:15 PM

Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men.. men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

wishfulthinkin

12-14-2007, 09:38 AM

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering column protruding from his groin
and says AAARGH, Gimme an ale. The Barkeep looks at him and says,Do
you know you have a steering column comming out of your crotch?"

The pirate replies AAAAAARGH, it's drivin me nuts.:beer:

SC Cheesehead

12-21-2007, 08:40 AM

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over - - - - women like that are hard to find.'

gonzo50

12-21-2007, 03:40 PM

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December ; ; ;
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!":lol:

RoNiN77

12-21-2007, 09:03 PM

Every day when the Boogey Man goes to bed he looks in the closet for Chuck Norris.

fastblackmerc

01-02-2008, 09:52 AM

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail , and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor, "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly , "the blonde said, "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing ha ppened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that ? " he asked. "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied..... "Two popsicles and some coffee."

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

Egon Spengler

01-02-2008, 10:18 AM

A blonde walks into a body shop and asks how she can get all the dents out of her car... The guy behind the counter decided to have a little fun and told her, "in order to get all the dents out of your car, you must blow into the exhaust pipe and all the dents will pop out"... She thanked the man and went home and in her driveway, proceeded to blow into the exhaust pipe, The blonde neighbor comes over and asks "why are doing?" The blonde blowing in the exhaust replies, "I am blowing into my exhaust so that the dents will pop out"... The blonde from across the street replies "Well dummy, you have to close all the windows first!":lol:

SC Cheesehead

01-02-2008, 11:53 AM

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost
his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all
day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull@# with his buddies, while I have to
work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even
pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him
any more! You're a Senator from New York running for President
of the United States.

Act like one!

fastblackmerc

01-02-2008, 12:01 PM

RoNiN77

01-02-2008, 04:12 PM

Subject: Why men don't write advice columns<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Dear Walter:<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>Can you please help?<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>Sincerely,<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>Mrs. Sheila Usk<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Dear Sheila:<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the hose clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>I hope this helps.<o:p></o:p>

<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Walter<o:p></o:p>

SC Cheesehead

01-04-2008, 11:38 AM

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud to be an American.

arejayesss

01-04-2008, 11:51 AM

One christmas morn a little boy opens up what he had hoped for. A brand new Train Set!! He was so excited!! He had his mom set it up right away. While he was playing with it, his mother overheard him acting out the role of the train conductor; "All the Mother****ers that want to get on, get on; all the mother****ers that wan't to get off, get off"
"OH MY GOD" cried the mother "where did you hear such awful language, stop playing with that set and go to your room!" A week later, after good behavior, the little boy was once again allowed to play with his set. Once again the little boy was playing conductor "All the Mother****ers that want to get on, get on; all the mother****ers that want to get off, get off" Well the mother had enough of this and took that train and hid it in the den and told the little boy not to touch it for a month!!! A few weeks later, the little boy could not wait any longer, so he snuck in and found the train set. His mother was in the kitchen making dinner and heard "All the Mother****ers that want to get on, get on; all the Mother****ers that want to get off, get off; If anyone has a problem with the time delay, talk to the Bitc* in the kitchen!"

Bluerauder

01-04-2008, 12:18 PM

:laugh: :laugh:

..... His mother was in the kitchen making dinner and heard "All the Mother****ers that want to get on, get on; all the Mother****ers that want to get off, get off; If anyone has a problem with the time delay, talk to the Bitc* in the kitchen!"
I first heard this one back in the early 1960's, so it is AT LEAST 45 years old. Timeless !!!! :D

BTW -- I still am not allowed to play with the train set. So all you Mother****ers should get off and take the bus. ;)

SC Cheesehead

01-04-2008, 02:08 PM

Wine Lovers, take note.

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ---- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Univ. of Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing me back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

Haggis

01-07-2008, 05:05 AM

Wine Lovers, take note.

[SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ---- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California...

WHAT!!!! You mean it will not be made in China? :eek:

SC Cheesehead

01-07-2008, 07:53 PM

This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

FreddieH

01-13-2008, 06:23 PM

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER <ST1:P</ST1:P<ST1:P</ST1:P
</PRE>

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/<o:p></o:p>

Haggis

01-14-2008, 05:59 AM

arejayesss

01-14-2008, 06:27 AM

I needed a mirror, so yesterday I went into a mirror store and I could really see myself buying something there.

RoyLPita

01-14-2008, 06:37 AM

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

And I thought background checks were bad enough before I was allowed to date someone.

Bluerauder

01-14-2008, 07:34 AM

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER <ST1:P</ST1:P<ST1:P</ST1:P
</PRE>

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/<o:p></o:p>

This ^^^^ works about 95% of the time. When "new" guys would show up to pick up my daughter, I would ask them if they were ready to take "The Test". :D :eek: Some of these guys made it to the 2nd or even 3rd date. Rarely beyond. Then one day, a guy showed up with two No. 2 sharpened pencils in his pocket and said "So where's the test". Uuhh Oohh. Seems this guy was not one to be intimidated very easily. :o It was a very nice wedding. :)

SC Cheesehead

01-14-2008, 07:44 AM

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of a pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

fastblackmerc

01-14-2008, 07:49 AM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

hot-rauder

01-14-2008, 10:12 AM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

oooo :P lmao

SC Cheesehead

01-14-2008, 10:45 AM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

:rofl:Oh, that's just wrong! :rofl:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnL-7x4n4d8

SCCH

fastblackmerc

01-14-2008, 11:34 AM

:rofl:Oh, that's just wrong! :rofl:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnL-7x4n4d8

SCCH

How that's funny!

Haggis

01-14-2008, 11:49 AM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

The best one so far this year. :rofl:

MERCMAN

01-16-2008, 07:51 AM

Understanding Engineers - Take one

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus
where
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting
for fifteen minutes !"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with
him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil
engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned
it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

TiTo35

01-16-2008, 07:57 AM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

:D now thats comedy!!!:lol:

TiTo35

01-16-2008, 07:58 AM

TiTo35

01-16-2008, 08:01 AM

Zack

01-16-2008, 08:07 AM

A blonde walks up to the counter and says...
"Ill have a Cheeseburger and Fries."
The Lady behind the counter politely replies...
"Ma'am, you're in a library!"

The Blonde apologizes and whispers..
"Sorry, Ill have a Cheeseburger and Fries"

SC Cheesehead

01-17-2008, 08:47 AM

You just KNOW I had to pass this one along!:D

A man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing playoff tickets.

The ticket teller replies that there are no tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bears playoff tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there are no tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bears ticket office inquiring about playoff tickets and the teller says that there are none because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.

Another week of this goes by and the man is still asking the ticket teller about Bears playoff tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says: "I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!"

Laughing, the man replies , "I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay just to hear you say that!"

GO PACKERS!!

fastblackmerc

01-17-2008, 10:09 AM

Important Tax Reminder!

Don't forget to pay your taxes.........

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/Taxes.jpg

¡Muchas gracias!

21 million illegal aliens are depending on you

Black_Noise

01-19-2008, 11:16 AM

did you hear they just came out with a new douche?

its made with marijuana, deoderant, and KFC!

It leaves you high and dry, and finger licken good!!

rlynch1977

01-19-2008, 10:42 PM

a horse walked into a bar, and the bartender said.........why the long face

get it, long face, horses have long faces, god, that is the worst joke ever, here is another one, i made this one up myself:

why did Pinocchio have so many friends in high school.........

BECAUSE HE WAS POPLAR!!!!

ok, im done

de minimus

01-20-2008, 06:32 AM

Two Upper Canadians - businessmen in Toronto - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some dumb tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Newfoundlander walked to the window, had a peek, and in a slight Newfie accent asked,

"What are you selling here"

One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Newfie said,

"You are doing well ... Only two left!"

:D

fastblackmerc

01-21-2008, 12:37 PM

IRS pencil sharpener

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/IRSPencilSharpener.jpg

hot-rauder

01-23-2008, 10:53 AM

two blondes walk into a building,
you think one of them would have seen it.

arejayesss

01-23-2008, 11:06 AM

here is another one, i made this one up myself:

why did Pinocchio have so many friends in high school.........

BECAUSE HE WAS POPLAR!!!!

ok, im done

the girls would all say "lie to me pinocchio, lie to me again"

SC Cheesehead

01-24-2008, 08:04 AM

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial
9.. You come back from the dump with more than you took
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo ' on her Christmas list
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold
17. You have a rag for a gas cap
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth
21. You consider your license plate personalizedbecause your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand
23. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart
24. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table
25. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back

Bluerauder

01-24-2008, 08:26 AM

There are no NEW jokes .... only one's that get recycled.

So, in the full spirit of recycling ..... I like to resurrrect Joke # 669. :D

Paul T. Casey

01-24-2008, 08:46 AM

There are no NEW jokes .... only one's that get recycled.

Not true. Here's 2. First

Paul T. Casey

01-24-2008, 08:47 AM

Second, (read quick as it may not fly for long).

Black_Noise

01-24-2008, 10:14 AM

u know your to drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree......

then u realize it was your air freshener

hot-rauder

01-24-2008, 12:31 PM

chuck norris does not wear a condom.... there is no such thing as protection from chuck!

hot-rauder

01-25-2008, 08:54 AM

2 muffins are sitting in an oven, when one muffin says,

"Wow, it is getting hot in here!"

all of a sudden the other muffin says,

"Holy crap!! A talking muffin!!!"

BruteForce

01-25-2008, 05:34 PM

Sorry couldn't resist. :poke: Actual historical quote:

"When anyone asks me how I can best describe my experience in nearly 40 years at sea, I merely say, uneventful. Of course there have been winter gales, storms, fog and the like, but in all my experience, I have never been in any accident of any sort worth speaking about. I have seen but one vessel in distress in all my years at sea...I never saw a wreck and have never been wrecked, nor was I ever in any predicament that threatened to end in disaster of any sort."

Captain E. J. Smith, RMS Titanic

hot-rauder

01-25-2008, 08:08 PM

Local Boy

01-26-2008, 05:17 PM

This one came from a news report, focusing on the dangers of Opihi picking, here in the islands...

News reporter: How long have you been picking opihi?

Local Brutha: All my life.

News reporter: Do you know of any fatal accidents?

Local Brutha: Oh Yea! I had plenty fatal accidents...I had a fatal accident right over there, just last week...

News reporter didn't even blink an eye...

I couldn't stop laughing at that one...

ALOHA

BruteForce

01-28-2008, 12:49 PM

New drug builds self confidence (http://www.flixxy.com/self-confidence.htm)

arejayesss

01-28-2008, 01:22 PM

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
----------------------------------------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
----------------------------------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
----------------------------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
----------------------------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
----------------------------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
----------------------------------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
----------------------------------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
----------------------------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
----------------------------------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
A good one indeed!!!:lol:

SC Cheesehead

02-01-2008, 07:52 AM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Daily Advertiser', a local newspaper in Lafayette reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in rice fields near Forked Island, Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone "wireless".'

Blk Mamba

02-02-2008, 07:20 PM

Three pieces of string are walking down the street, when they come upon a bar, the first string says i'm hot, and thirsty, i think i'll get a beer. He walks in and tells the barkeep, I'll have a beer. The barkeep says we don't serve string here, get out. He leaves the bar and meets the other two outside, and tells them. The second string says watch this, enters the bar, and the same thing happens. He leaves, and relates the details. The third string thinks for a minute, then goes into the alley, throws himself on the ground, beats himself up, and ties himself in a knot. He enters the bar, has a seat at the bar, and tells the bartender, I'll have a beer. The bartender says hey we don't serve no string in here, aren't you a string? The reply is Frayed knot!!

SC Cheesehead

02-06-2008, 07:51 AM

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."
NOW YOU ARE BILINGUAL. GOOD JOB. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!

RoyLPita

02-08-2008, 04:37 AM

Another humerous email froma friend of mine that I thought to share:

BELOW IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE
ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT? IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

SC Cheesehead

02-08-2008, 08:59 AM

Revenge !
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So,THAT'S the girl I want!' Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?

'He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran over my FROG!'

Blk Mamba

02-10-2008, 06:23 PM

The Lone Ranger, and Tonto were riding in the desert one day, when they came to a small town. They were both hot, and thirsty, so went to the local saloon for a beer. As they were enjoying their beer a cowboy strolls in and asks "whose white horse is that tied up outside" the Lone Ranger replies, "why thats my white horse". The stranger says he's pretty hot, you better do something about it. The Lone Ranger tells Tonto, "go outside, and run around my horse, to cool him off". A few minuets later another man enters the saloon, and asks whose white horse is that outside? The Lone Ranger says thats my white horse. The man says you left your engine running.
(Please take no offense at this, as none was intended.)

MM03MOK

02-12-2008, 06:27 AM

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some g ood news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.

SC Cheesehead

02-12-2008, 06:40 AM

Bunny, that's just plain wrong!:rofl:

SCCH

SC Cheesehead

02-12-2008, 06:42 AM

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine or beer... and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom."

In water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a filtering process and then fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Beer = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Mike

02-13-2008, 07:19 AM

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Danny O'Reilly?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Danny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Volpe?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Danny O'Reilly, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 mont hs. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Danny walks back to his pew, and his friend Phil Massey slides over and whispers, 'what'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

Aren Jay

02-13-2008, 09:20 PM

forget it./

SC Cheesehead

02-14-2008, 11:39 AM

Maude and John, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, John asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined John for a most enjoyable roll in the sack.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...........

John was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have e been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose.

fastblackmerc

02-18-2008, 12:59 PM

Ain't he cute?

This little animal really exists!

It's called a Naked Mole-Rat, from Africa.

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/MoleRat.jpg

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:

Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!

SC Cheesehead

02-18-2008, 02:20 PM

Dear friends,
Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last ten years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book. I am very proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to assist me.

I have just finished my new book on golf that I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience. The book is only $59.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card information:

Check one: ___ VISA ___ Master Card ___ Discover __ American Express

Card # ____________ Exp. Date _______________

Don't wait until they're all gone !!!!
______________________________ ______________________________ ______
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Dunlop from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also see Chapter 8)
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 18 - Rules Interpretation: "Loss of Ball is Penalty Enough..."
Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender

Better hurry, they are going, fast!

SC Cheesehead

02-19-2008, 01:19 PM

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- no teddy bears, no hearts, no rainbows, no angels-( Bible angels are NOT babies! ) Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5.When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7.When you are sick --Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants:

everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 2.

Mike

02-20-2008, 10:38 PM

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons and no prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse immediately springs into action.
It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can't seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the Horse's' neck, but slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse & throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

SC Cheesehead

02-21-2008, 06:43 AM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn 't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

SC Cheesehead

02-21-2008, 07:09 AM

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

SC Cheesehead

02-26-2008, 11:47 AM

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor responds, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

SC Cheesehead

02-26-2008, 11:49 AM

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Mike

02-26-2008, 11:59 PM

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for.'

KillJoy

02-28-2008, 01:45 PM

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p>John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, </o:p>
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!<o:p></o:p>
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?" <o:p></o:p>
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." <o:p></o:p>
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.<o:p></o:p>
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. <o:p></o:p>
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." <o:p></o:p>
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

:D

KillJoy<o:p></o:p>

hot-rauder

02-28-2008, 02:22 PM

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, </o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?" <o:p></o:p>
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." <o:p></o:p>
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.<o:p></o:p>
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. <o:p></o:p>
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." <o:p></o:p>
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

:D

KillJoy<o:p></o:p>

heres an even better joke.

Steve.

get it? your a joke lmao jk buddy!

SC Cheesehead

02-28-2008, 02:25 PM

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

2,4shofast

02-28-2008, 05:37 PM

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses".

Mike

02-29-2008, 07:27 PM

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet
twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "YES, YES, I

WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

BigGuyBigCar

03-07-2008, 01:52 PM

Morris and Mabel meet at an assisted living facility in Boca.

They exchange stories and show each other pictures of their grandchildren.

After a short courtship, Morris proposes to Mabel.

Mabel thinks for a while, and then says to Morris "Before I answer, I need to know whether you expect us to have sex, and how often."

Morris replies "Infrequently."

Mabel again thinks for a while, and then asks "Is that one word or two?"

hdirish50

03-11-2008, 07:53 PM

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"<o:p></o:p>
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."<o:p></o:p>
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"<o:p></o:p>
She says, "That he did, Father."<o:p></o:p>
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"<o:p></o:p>
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."<o:p></o:p>

hdirish50

03-11-2008, 07:53 PM

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.<o:p></o:p>
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.<o:p></o:p>
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
:lol:<o:p></o:p>

hdirish50

03-11-2008, 07:54 PM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".<o:p></o:p>
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"<o:p></o:p>
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"<o:p></o:p>
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."<o:p></o:p>
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.<o:p></o:p>
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,Tim?"<o:p></o:p>
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."<o:p></o:p>
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"<o:p></o:p>
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> :beer:</o:p>

SC Cheesehead

03-12-2008, 07:50 AM

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff . Dad ... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

GODFATHER

03-12-2008, 09:01 AM

Free advice from a friend..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over http://www.taurusclub.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/sad.gif

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!"

duhtroll

03-12-2008, 09:08 AM

You can take that advice and stick it...

bob6364

03-12-2008, 09:08 AM

I stopped reading after the first use of the word ass-hair...sorry

MM2004

03-12-2008, 09:10 AM

This is a car forum, not a proctology ward. :shake:

Mike.

Krytin

03-12-2008, 09:16 AM

That there was funny, I don't care who you are!

GODFATHER

03-12-2008, 09:18 AM

That there was funny, I don't care who you are!
GLAD SOMEONE HAS SOME HUMOR:banana2:

Krytin

03-12-2008, 09:22 AM

I just emailed it to my boss - lets see how he takes it!

Egon Spengler

03-12-2008, 09:24 AM

I like to shave the boys... makes it look bigger and chicks dig it... a little uncomfortable, but worth the hassle

GODFATHER

03-12-2008, 09:25 AM

I like to shave the boys... makes it look bigger and chicks dig it... a little uncomfortable, but worth the hassle
VERY TRUE :beer:

GODFATHER

03-12-2008, 09:26 AM

I just emailed it to my boss - lets see how he takes it!
very good he will like it :cool:

ParkRanger

03-12-2008, 09:28 AM

Were you able to find your head while you were there?

Local Boy

03-12-2008, 09:29 AM

That is too FUNNY...

ALOHA

cyclopsram

03-12-2008, 09:32 AM

now back to the MM forums.

GODFATHER

03-12-2008, 09:56 AM

now back to the MM forums.
yep theres tons of pages here keep surfing:shake:

All OFF-TOPIC, marauder unrelated posts must go here.

Egon Spengler

03-12-2008, 10:25 AM

VERY TRUE :beer:

I knew where to stop though... I have heard a story similar to yours and it made sense as to how necessary butt hair is and therefore I stopped before I went too far

freakstatus

03-12-2008, 10:35 AM

More disturbing is that I read it all the way through........especially since I normally lose patience with long posts. Boo.

fastblackmerc

03-12-2008, 11:01 AM

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

arejayesss

03-12-2008, 11:05 AM

Blk Mamba

03-12-2008, 05:13 PM

Were you able to find your head while you were there?
Now that theres funny I don't care who you are.

SC Cheesehead

03-13-2008, 06:32 AM

Anyone who plays the game can relate to this:

http://www.golf.com/golf/video/article/0,28224,1720077,00.html?xid=fo recast031008_story4

Dr Caleb

03-13-2008, 09:31 AM

When answering a question will get you into trouble:

Dr Caleb

03-13-2008, 09:34 AM

Motivational Poster #2

High-C

03-14-2008, 01:55 PM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your a$$ is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week
__________________

ryanstickney1

03-14-2008, 07:47 PM

Hope nobody beat me to this one...

A little girl was in her second grade class and the teacher says "Humans are the only animal that stutters".

The little girl says "My kitty cat stuttered once".

The teacher asks her to explain and she says " Well one day me and kitty were in the back yard playing when the neighbors Pit Bull broke through the fence. My kitty said "FFFF...FFFF...FFFF" but before she could say F&%K! The Pit Bull ate her".

fastblackmerc

03-17-2008, 06:29 AM

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' 'No, would you like to give it a try?' Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

Krytin

03-19-2008, 10:13 AM

Why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

(If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense ofhumor.) <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I toldmy husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' <o:p></o:p>
Well, thehours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. <o:p></o:p>
Just as I got in thedoor, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed threetimes!<o:p></o:p>
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed anothernine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such aquick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.(Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least.<o:p></o:p>
Whew, I got awaywith that one!Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'<o:p></o:p>
When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed threetimes, then said, 'Oh, ****!' then it cuckooed four more times, clearedits throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. <o:p></o:p>

Blk Mamba

03-19-2008, 03:28 PM

^^^^^^^^fantastic, and true^^^^^^^^^^

Aren Jay

03-25-2008, 10:39 AM

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up,

And Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good with a re-newed spring in his step.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?'

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box ...'

SC Cheesehead

03-26-2008, 06:18 AM

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "Igive you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get us another one?"

Dr Caleb

03-26-2008, 08:37 AM

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine
police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the
evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he
could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He
was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.

The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Aren Jay

03-27-2008, 12:10 AM

CELIBACY<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.<o:p></o:p>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare,<o:p></o:p>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.<o:p></o:p>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"<o:p></o:p>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,<o:p></o:p>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>"Robin Hood-All-Purpose,<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,0000,8080><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>isn't it?"<o:p></o:p>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.<o:p></o:p>
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<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

SC Cheesehead

04-02-2008, 11:38 AM

An Oklahoma Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Oklahoma to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Dept. employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him your card!!'

gonzo50

04-05-2008, 10:42 AM

Subject: Never choke in the South

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is
in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks
down her panties and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' :lol:

Aren Jay

04-05-2008, 08:03 PM

knock knock

who is there

Easter

Easter who

Easter Bunny.

Knock knock

who is there

Car

Car who

Car go beep beep and run over easter bunny.

knock knock

who is there

boo

boo who

Don't worry there is an other Easter bunny.

Aren Jay

04-06-2008, 01:08 PM

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded."I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said t o his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.""One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied."A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."The man asked,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."