Helpful Hints:How To...Survive A Hurricane

[dwasson]

A Deadly Storm Threatens America...Confusion Road Tells You What To Do


Hurricane Isabel may soon strike the East Coast, causing untold property damage and death. Here's what you can do to prepare.

The calmest part of a hurricane is the eye, or center, of the storm. If a hurricane is approaching your town, get in a car and head straight for the eye as fast as you can.


Don't make jokes about The Wizard of Oz. That was a tornado, not a hurricane, you stupid idiot.


Missed the big blackout? Here's your second chance: a hurricane presents great looting opportunities!


Try not to build your house ten feet from the ocean on a friggin' sand dune.


Singing the Scorpions' Rock You Like A Hurricane may seem appropriate at a time like this, but it's still stupid.


No matter how tempting it seems, or how much you trust the Andrea Gail's seaworthiness, let the damn fish go.


Queen Isabel of Spain financed Columbus' first voyage to America. Now, a storm called Isabel threatens to ravage America. Take this moment to taste the bitter irony.


If your home is in the hurricane's path, don't worry - massive structural damage and loss of precious valuables is the kind of thing that happens to other people, not you.


Your life-size inflatable love doll can also serve as a flotation device.


Know your hurricanes. A Category 5 hurricane has 155 mph winds and can destroy large buildings, but a measly Category 2, with 96 mph winds, will cause only minor damage to small buildings. Always carry a wind meter so you know what kind of hurricane you're dealing with.


Standing outside in the middle of the storm is a good way to show the chicks you've got balls.


Stressed out by fear of property loss and death? Take an Excedrin™! It's doctor-recommended for storm-induced headaches and the official pain reliever of Hurricane Isabel.


Stay inside, seal your doors and windows with duct tape and keep a gas mask on hand at all times. Oh, wait, that's terrorists.


This would not be a good time for a three-hour tour.

[Petrograde]

:D :lol: :D

[engine23ccvfd]

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS

As Hurricane Isabel approaches the East Coast, I thought it might be helpful
if I reprinted a Hurricane Preparedness Guide I wrote some years ago for the
Miami Herald. It has some specific references to South Florida, but it
should be just as useless to residents of other areas.

For information that is actually useful, an excellent place to look is the
Herald's storm site.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS GUIDE
Dave Barry

We're entering the heart of hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to
turn on the TV and see a weatherperson pointing to some radar blob out in
the Atlantic and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.

2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in South Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." The best way to get
information on this topic is to ask people who were here during Hurricane
Andrew (we're easy to recognize, because we still smell faintly of b.o.
mixed with gasoline). Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in South Florida. If
you're one of those people, you'll want to clip out the following useful
hurricane information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on,
when a storm is brewing, you will not be able to locate it.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE -- If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in
South Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane,
most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any
moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane
Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This
week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy
which states that, in addition to my premium, both Bob and Big Stan are
entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS -- Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

-- Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.

-- Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

-- Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have
to sell your house to pay for them.

-- "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.

"HURRICANE PROOFING" YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects such as barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have deadly missiles in your
yard, don't worry, because the hurricane winds will turn THEM into harmless
objects).

EVACUATION ROUTE -- If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped
in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not
buy them now! South Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of Spam. In addition to food and water,
you will need the following supplies:

-- 23 Flashlights.

-- At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out,
to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

-- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some, dammit!)

-- A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

-- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)

-- A large quantity of bananas, to placate the monkeys. (Ask anybody who
went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate monkeys.)

-- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over again how vitally important it for
everybody to stay the hell away from the ocean.

At that point, if you've prepared all you can, there's frankly nothing left
to for you to do but pray. I mean for a really BIG wave.
posted by Dave 3:42 PM


Dave Berry