Joke of the day

[MM03MOK]

Go Fish!

[Haggis]

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER


1. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

2. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

5. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

8. Things you buy now won't wear out.

9. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.

10. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

11. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

12. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.

13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

15. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

16. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

17. You got cable TV for the weather channel.

18. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

20. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

21. You send money to PBS.

22. You sing along with the elevator music.

23. You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.

24. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

25. Your back goes out more than you do.

26. Your ears are hairier than your head.

27. Your eyes won't get much worse.

28. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

29. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

30. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

31. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

[MM03MOK]

BOO!!!

[Long Live #3]

Kiss my arse!

[Haggis]

MOTHER'S MILK



Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last

question, worth 70 points or none at all was: Name seven advantages of

mothers milk. The student in question had also partied the night before,

and was hard put to think of 7 advantages: He wrote:



1. It is a perfect formula for the child.



2. It provides immunity against several diseases.



3. It is always available as needed.



4. It is always at the right temperature



5. It is inexpensive.



6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.



And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating

the end of the test was rang, he wrote:



7. It comes in such cute containers.



He was the only student to ace (100%) the exam.



Can anyone say LUNCH!!

[Dr Caleb]

Originally posted by Long Live #3
Kiss my arse!

I would but...

[Bobby Clobber]

Dateline New York,

In a recent attempt to understand reasons behind the frequent roll-overs and overall instability of SUV's, the AAA installed "black boxes" in all new Suv's sold in the contential USA .

These boxes measured such things as speed, road conditions, attitude, braking, etc as well as monitored the drivers' reactions and voice recordings immediately prior to a rollover/ incident.

The purpose was obviously to interpret data and use same to provide preventive engineering solutions to decrease such incidents .

Findings included excess speed , abrupt maneuvering , poor road conditions, wind and so on and applied universally to all states in no discernable pattern.

One disturbing factor did come to light in analysis of voice recordings .

In 47 of the states the voice recording seconds before the incident included phrases like
"Holy ****"
" Oh ****"
and "Damn it"

In Texas the overwhelming phrase just prior to 98% of incidents began

" Hold my beer Cleatus and watch this"

(Feel free to insert favourite State, province, city as is appropriate.)

[PhastPhil]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Joe and his wife Joni listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Joe leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

[MM03MOK]

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person . (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Now.....there, doesn't that just touch your heart?

Courtesy of Moparzz

[TooManyFords]

The importance of using proper punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria


Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

[Dr Caleb]

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important.

[dwasson]

Subject: COWS from every view point!

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.



REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.



CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children".

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The NY Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault

[dwasson]

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a Middle Eastern looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?

Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?

What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer: BANG!

Southern Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

[Haggis]

There is a Scotsman going to college in England.
His mother comes down to visit him and asks how everything is going.
He tells her everything is fine, but his roommates are crazy.
His mother asks him what is wrong.
He tells her that his one roommate is constantly banging his head on the wall and his other roommate sits at his desk and screams all the time.
She asks him how does he manage and he replies, Oh I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.

[Bobby Clobber]

See CVSport LX vs MM in new posts.