Joke of the day

[de minimus]

A Vancouver senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car showroom. Heading off down the highway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'mazin!' he thought as he flew down the highway, enjoying pressing
the accelerator even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, blue-red lights flashing and siren wailing.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 190 kph, then 220, then 230. Suddenly, he thought,
'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up
with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes. Today is Friday and I'm going away for the weekend. If you cangive me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'


The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman

[SC Cheesehead]

1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather --who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.' --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' --Author Unknown

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.' --Drew Carey

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.' --Jeff Foxworthy

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.' --Dave Barry

6) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'' --Paula Poundstone

7) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' --Conan O'Brien

8) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.' --Lynda Montgomery

9) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'' --Richard Jeni

10) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'--Johnny Carson

11) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.' --Jerry Seinfeld

12) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What do tall people burn 20X slower?' --Warren Hutcherson

13) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' --Oscar Wilde

14) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.' --Mark Twain

15) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.' --A. Whitney Brown

16) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My Goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'' --Dave Barry

17) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased

and finally....

18) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.' -- W. C. Fields

[Pat]

The three blonde's who were applying for a position with a police department were asked to identify any unusual characteristics on a criminal's mugshot.

The first blonde said that the man had only one eye. The interviewer said that was because it was a profile image. She was excused. The second blonde was asked the same question and she replied that the person had only one ear. She too was excused.

The third blonde when asked to identify any unusual characteristics said that the man was wearing contact lenses. The police interviewer looked at the criminals rap sheet and he did indeed wear contact lenses. Asked how she could tell the blonde said "well, he can't wear regular glasses 'cause he only has one eye and one ear".

[fastblackmerc]

A recent study, conducted by Harvard University found that the average
American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American……

[SC Cheesehead]

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts

[Bluerauder]

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts

Who woulda thunk it?

[whd507]

I have spent the past few days reading all 105 pages (my abs hurt) I think thats the first new joke in 70+ pages...

[SC Cheesehead]

This news just in:

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

[LeoVampire]

<CENTER>Cat Diary ...

</CENTER>...
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

[SC Cheesehead]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

[Ken]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that ***** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[SC Cheesehead]

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Krytin]

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

or Kitty Litter!

[justbob]

Did you hear the joke about the pencil? There's no point!



Did you here the joke about the ceiling? It'll floor you!

Sorry i got kids.

[SC Cheesehead]

or Kitty Litter!

Hooha, you betcha!