Joke of the day

[Murader03]

Subject: dear meat:


A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy
eaters,and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's
ass-hole!"

[martyo]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about,
"What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the
attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically,

"For crying out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"

[Haggis]

Dear Billy Joe Bob,
>
> I'm writing this slow because I know you can't
> read fast. We don't live where we did when you left
> home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most
> accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we
> moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
> the last family that lived here took the house numbers
> when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
> address.
>
> This place is really nice. It even has a washing
> machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last
> week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain,
> we haven't seen it since.
>
> The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
> last week; the first time for three days and the
> second time for four days.
>
> About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle
> Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail
> with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
> in the pockets.
>
> Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We
> were really worried because it took him two hours to
> get me and your father out.
>
> Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
> found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an
> aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
>
> Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.
> Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off
> and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three
> days.
>
> Three of your friends went off a bridge in a
> pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the
> window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were
> in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get
> the tailgate down.
>
> Your Favorite Aunt,

[martyo]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears
the most awful,blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone
having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood
curdling screams.

"Oh my God,"says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head
drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be ***** and
sodomized."

"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for
that.

[Ross]

Three nuns die and go to the pearly gates. Saint Peter meets them and says, " Before I can let you in, I have to give you a little test about the Bible."
He asks the first nun, "Who was the first man?" She replies"Adam." He says, "Correct, come on in."
He asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman?" She replies "Eve." He says "Correct, come on in."
He asks the third nun,"What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun is stumped, and says"Hmmmm, that's a hard one." He says "Correct, come on in."

[Ross]

A man was married to a woman who complained about everything he did, and everything about him. He finally got so fed up he told her,"The next time you complain about me, I'm going to shoot you."
While the husband was gone to work the next day, the wife was busy hanging new pictures in the living room, but was having trouble getting them arranged properly. Just as the husband came in from work, the wife said "Dammit, they're just not hanging right!"
He shot her.

[Haggis]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm
tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Bin Ladden. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Real nice.

Thanks alot,

[jgc61sr2002]

Gordon - Cool

[BillyGman]

is granted an oppurtunity to talk w/God face to face. He sits at his creator's feet and learns of some of his infinite wisdom. Later on that day he walks and talks w/God just as Adam once did in the garden of eden. And then towards the end of this extraordinary day that this man had, God says to him that he will grant him one wish, and will give to him anything that he desires. So the man looks at God and says "I want you to give to me the biggest bridge that anyone has ever seen before." God looks the man in the eye and says "I'm the creator of the universe, the Alpha & Omega, the first and the last, and have all the powers that be in my hand, and out of all the great things that I can do for you, you want me to build you a bridge? Isn't there anything more important or substantial that you can think of to ask me to do?" So the man then replies, "Okay, I want to know and precisely understand women. I want to be able to realize the reasons why they do the things that they do. I want to be able to understand what they feel and how they think so that I can better know how to please them, and to be a blessing to them".......so God ponders over this for a few seconds, and then replies: "So do you want two lanes on that bridge or four?"

[Dr Caleb]

Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit depot.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. , but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon , when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

[Murader03]

----- Subject: FW: Why Math is Taught in School (Written By A Very Wise Man)


> I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
> driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to
> have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
>
> This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
> arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
>
> "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
>
> I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
> whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
>
> I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
>
> That's 96 miles each day.
>
> Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
>
> Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
>
> There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
>
> That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
>
> Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
> I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
>
> That brings the number to something like 36,000
> cars that I pass every day.
>
> Statistically, females drive half of these.
>
> That's 18,000 women drivers!
>
> In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
>
> That's 642.
>
> According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
> as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
>
> That's 449.
>
> According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
> females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
>
> That's 98.
>
> And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
>
> That's 33.
>
> According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
> females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
>
> That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
> least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men
> are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide
> or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
>
> Flip one off? . I think not!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
>
>



----- End forwarded message -----

[woaface]

A farmer has three daughters, and all are getting ready for their big dates tonight.

The first guy comes to the door and knocks and when the farmer answers he says "Hey, my name's Joe, I'm here to pick up Flow, we're going to the Show, is she ready to go?"
Farmer says "Yeah sure, let me get her"
And off they go.
Next guy comes to the door and knocks and when the farmer answers he says "Hi there sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to have some spaghetti, is she ready?"
"Yeah sure she is" says the farmer...
And she comes down and off they go.
Third guy comes to the door, and he knocks on the door and when the farmer opens it he says "Hey my name's Chuck..."
And the farmer shoots him

[dwasson]

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won €500,000. "You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter,"but for €1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin 'ell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy, how did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."

"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[SouLRioT]

Micheal Jackson is changing his ranch's name from Neverland Ranch to Nevertellyourparents Ranch.

[woaface]

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven.

When they get to the gates and speak with St. Peter, he tells them they must remember the one and only rule they have in heaven. He tells them that there are ducks in heaven and that they are not to be stepped on!

The women take note of this and as they enter they see tons of ducks all over the place, and they find it a challange to keep from steping on them.

After one day, one of the women stepped on a duck. St. Peter comes along with the ugliest man she has ever seen, and chains them together. "This is your punishment" he says "and you must stay with this man for eternity!"

A couple of weeks later, after being very careful about everywhere they walked, the other women accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter and he chains her to the ugliest man she has ever seen. "This is your punishment" he says, and he walks off.

Months go by, and the last woman has been very careful and has never made contact between her feet and any of the ducks. As she is resting, St. Peter comes along with the most handsome man she has ever seen. She jumps to her feet and St. Peter chains them together and walks off. She says to the man "Well what's this about?!" and he says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."