Joke of the day

[PhastPhil]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a
hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all
the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when
suddenly, Lulu's grandma came around the corner.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother
that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just
lining up for some.

"Wow, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and
she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he asked, "Wow, still going at it at
your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the
skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.

[dwasson]

A woman was leaving a 7-11 market with her morning coffee when she noticed most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse, about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit-bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.



The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and know that now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"



The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."



"What happened to him?"



The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."



She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"



“His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.



"Can I borrow the dog?" The other woman replied:



"Get in line."

[SHERIFF]

WITH GREAT WISDOM COMES COMPLETE IGNORANCE

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high
esteem.

One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates,
do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
best friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're
going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates.

"So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second
filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about
my best friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about my best friend, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my best friend going to be useful to me?"

"No.........ahh......... not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was
banging his wife...

[R Dean]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green
red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[dwasson]

Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. I'd like to be the first to welcome you aboard for our non-stop flight from France to New York's LaGuardia Airport.

Our flight attendants will be out shortly to provide pre-boarding instructions. Just wanted to remind you to fasten your seatbelt and turn off all electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones.

Until then, relax, and thank you for flying with us.


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Hello passengers, this is your captain.

Wanted to discuss the concerns you likely have about the recent terrorist threats regarding their attempts to hijack another airplane. Just wanted to say that there's no need to worry about this flight: we have an armed air marshal aboard.

I'd like to take this time to welcome him, and thank him in advance for his time and service.
Hello passengers, we have just climbed to our cruising altitude of 36,000 feet. I expect we'll be landing in New York in about nine hours.

At this time, I'm turning off the fasten seatbelt sign, so please feel free to walk about the cabin and use the restroom as necessary.

We hope you have a pleasant flight.


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Well, passengers, looks like I spoke too soon about that seatbelt sign. The air marshal has requested that for our safety I keep it on. If you do need to get up to walk about the cabin or use the restroom, just let him know.

We're just now heading over the Atlantic Ocean, so we'll be starting the on-flight movies for you. This week we have S.W.A.T., starring Colin Farrell, and Uptown Girls, starring Brittany Murphy.
Just as soon as whoever took the air marshal's copy of Golf Illustrated returns it to him, he'll give us permission to start those movies.


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I just spoke with our onboard air marshal, who tells me that during a sweep of the cabin he was unable to find any terrorists.

For risking his life for us in this manner, he's requesting that we spontaneously begin singing "for he's a jolly good fellow." So, I guess without further delay, a one, and a two...


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Passengers, this is your captain. The air marshal wants to know why you would insult him. Otherwise, he asks, why would you think a dollar could get you into the bathroom? The rate is currently $20 a person, and the marshal wants to remind you that there is no discount for children.

Additionally, he reminds you, real men don't pee their pants.


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Passengers, the air marshal tells me he once shot a terrorist in the foot.

For anyone interested, he's willing to tell the story of how it happened for $10 for the first five minutes, and only a dollar for each additional minute after that.

Regardless, he's asking that we take a moment to salute this accomplishment by singing to him. So, without further delay, a one, and a two....


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Sorry to bother you again, passengers, but the air marshal has reminded us that this flight is technically governed by his laws, as we are flying over the ocean and not under the jurisdiction of any country

I'm pretty sure he's wrong, but seeing that he does have a gun, I am not at liberty to argue, so we are asked to follow these orders:


* Drinking alcoholic beverages is prohibited

* Except by the air marshal.

* Just don't watch the air marshal drink.

* Don't watch him give alcohol to his gun.

* Act normal in his presence.

* Don't make direct eye contact with him.

* Don't make direct eye contact with his gun.

* Please don't make any sudden movements, or shift in your seat.

* But please don't sit too calmly.

* But don't stand up, either.

* But don't crouch.

* Ask him anything you want, except why he wasn't accepted into the Marines.

* Any female on board that reminds him of his mother will receive a special discount on use of the bathroom.

* All items stowed in the seat in front of you now belong to him.

* The Marines suck ass.

* And finally, every five minutes we are to sing "for he's a jolly good fellow." A one, and a two...
Thank you, passengers. Fortunately, we're almost to New York.


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Passengers, the air marshal would like to personally thank each and every one of you for letting him wave his gun around indiscriminately at you as he told the story of his last divorce.
For those that offered Kleenex, he truly appreciates that.

To the gentleman that hugged him, he does apologize for shooting you in the kneecap.


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Well passengers, looks we'll be making our descent into New York's LaGuardia Airport in just a few minutes. Just like to thank you for flying with us today.

It was an interesting flight, to say the least. But the air marshal wishes to remind you all that we made it here alive, and that's all that matters.

And for that, he, oh god no, he wants us to sing to him.

One last time, a one, and a two...

[SHERIFF]

MIRROR MIRROR

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror.

But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you
disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and
decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The redhead goes up to try.

"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

"I think......"

"POOF!" She disappears!

[SHERIFF]

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between
the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing
little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to
rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first
play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino
was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5
yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who
stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the
rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the
hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well,"
said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[Marauderman]

Well , it's been almost a year (believe March ) when this started - and I love all these jokes ,.. so my turn...

In the high school wood working shop class , the instructor started out the the class by saying he was going to cover the use of the nail , screw and the bolt.

The instructor thought it best to ask the class if they knew the difference between these items..so Judy, the classes only female student, was first to raise her hand and she said she knew two of them real well but she said she
wasn't sure about the third..and when asked by the instructor,, she said,, well , those others , yeah , but I've never been bolted , so I dont know what that one is!

[SHERIFF]

A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on. The guy thinks this is great.

One day he sees another cloud float by. The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of beer with him.

The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him. "How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?

St. Peter says, "I know just who you're talking about. He's being punished."

The guy can't believe what he's hearing. "How can that be?" , he asks.

"Well," says St. Peter, "The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn't."

[Marauderman]

A guy goes into the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist, wheres' that butt deordant? Pharmacist replies--don't sell that--man says- yes you do-- I bought some last month! Pharmacist replies, you must have made a mistake--Customer continues and finally pharmacist says--do you have the container you bought last time--man says--yes--I'll go get it, you'll see.. a few moments and the customer returns and says to the pharmiast --see here-- this is it--pharmacist replies--sorry pal- this is under arm deordant--customer replies--yeah--thats right --thats what I want--pharmacist replies--but that is not butt deordant--customer replies --yes it is--see- read the directions--it clearly says to push up bottom to use!!

[kurly]

on the eternal question...Why did the Chicken cross the Road?
?

I feel sorry for the chicken!

[martyo]

This should keep you guys busy for a while:</PRE>

http://www.praesentia.us/archives/dishonestdubya.html</PRE>

</PRE>

[paheff]

A guy wakes up one morning to find that his alarm clock didn't go off and he is running late. He wakes his wife and says, " Honey, I overslept, could you iron my shirt while I shower? I'm going to be late for work."
To which she replies, " I went to a NOW meeting with my friend yesterday and they really taught me alot. It's your shirt, you iron it."
The guy curses under his breath and takes his shower. While he's ironing his shirt, he asks his wife if she'll make his lunch so he won't be late.
She says " It's your lunch, you make it".
The guy bites his tongue, and while he's making his lunch, notices that his keys are not hanging on the hook by the door. "Honey, have you seen my keys? I really need to be on time."
She replies,"Theyr'e your keys, you find them".
At this point the poor guy has had about all he can take and says, " It looks like you are not going to see me for a few days".
The wife says " You just go ahead and do whatever you think you need to do".
Sure enough, one day passes and she doesn't see him. Two days pass and she still doesn't see him. On the third day, she just can see him out of her left eye.


No offense intended to any of the fairer sex. My wife thought it was hilarious.

[paheff]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs,put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top tobottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat.


The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird.
Thecat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled outof the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced abill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
wouldhave been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

[jgc61sr2002]

[QUOTE=martyo]This should keep you guys busy for a while:

Marty - That was very funny. He He.