Joke of the day

[STOGIE BEAR]

I didn't see many Blonde jokes so here goes.
During a recent password audit,it was found that a blonde using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewe yDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password she said that it had to be at least
8 characters long and contain at least one capitol.

[L.Mark]

^^^^that's funny...

[Mercurykidd]

Finally..The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes!!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progessively more agiated. "What does it look like? she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "it's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. Here it is, "she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Ok, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop..."

[JBFTech]

ROFL^^^^^^^^^^^^ good one


Sent from B.F.E. by aliens

[cat in the hat]

.

[SC Cheesehead]

There were these three Wisconsin girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counselors office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

So, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. She replied, "the rhythm method. " That will work, said the counselor, but only if you keep a good record.

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using? "I plan on using birth control pills" she said. He said, Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "the bucket and saucer method." After a short pause and a confused look, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm girl. I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you. She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers .... I kick the bucket out from under him."






　
　
　
　
　

[License2Bill]

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

[SC Cheesehead]

Sven & Ole worked together & both were **** off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Ole said “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk then looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel Fitter” he replied. Looking up "Diesel Fitters," it was listed under the skilled jobs category, so the clerk gave Sven $600 a week voucher.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained that Panty Stitchers were unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters were skilled labor.

“Well how do ya figger dat?” yelled Ole. "We bot' work in da unnerwear factory! I sew the elastic on, den Sven grabs 'em, and tries pullin' dem up; if dey go, he says, ‘Yep, diesel fitter.’”

[Mr. Man]

Army Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my *****, to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants. He did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's ***** and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!"

The general replied, "Vietnam!"

[Go2GuyFL]

Doug works hard at the Ford Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

"Hey, Doug! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Doug. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Doug if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Doug, starts to rub herself all over him and says...

"Hi Doug. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Doug's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Doug follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Doug tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else.

But his wife is having none of it; she is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Doug, you picked up a real floozy this time."

Doug's funeral will be held this coming Friday.

[Go2GuyFL]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you. the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[Go2GuyFL]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[MERCMAN]

"the first cut is the deepest" lol

[Mr. Man]

There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...
The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski"
With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says," Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

[MERCMAN]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a prayer that was answered. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

She then continued, "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."...

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just wanted to tell my wife the word is 'STERNUM.'"