Joke of the day

[lji372]

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet???????















last years hide and go seek champion!!!!!

[License2Bill]

What do you call a tall redhead?




A Gingeraffe!

Sent from inside the T.A.R.D.I.S.

[STOGIE BEAR]

Now that football season is here,it must be time for another Blonde Joke.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right
behind thier teams bench. After the game,he asked her how she liked it.
Oh,I really liked it,she replied,especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,but I
just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.
Dumbfounded,her boyfriend asked,What do you mean ?
Well they flipped a coin,one team got it and then for the rest of the game,all they
kept screaming was,Get the quarterback,Get the quarterback, I'm like Hellooooo
It's only 25 cents !!!

[fastblackmerc]

My wife gives me sound advice........



99% sound


1% advice

[mossiehorn]

MALE-FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princes
said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny
long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked
bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whisky, beer and Captain Morgan and never
heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his
house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never
got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin
cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[cruzer]

Four surgeons are comparing the type of patients they consider the easiest to operate on. The first surgeon says " I like to operate on electricians--when you open them up everything is color-coded". The second surgeon says " I prefer to operate onn accountants because , when you open them up everthing is numbered'. The third surgeon says " I think librarians are the easiest because everything inside them is in alphabetical order'. The fourth surgeon says "I've got you all beat. I like to operate on politicians best. They are by far the easiest because they have no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and behind are interchangeable".

[mossiehorn]

The Lunch Order



A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the
waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous
waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top
to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[mossiehorn]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.

Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal ?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question ?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, ' Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one ? ''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh;

' You wouldn't happen to have another example would you ? I must confess I don't know much about history ! '
Sadly, they walk among us !

[mossiehorn]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[mossiehorn]

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them)
They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.


11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to WALMART?)


12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..


14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Go2GuyFL]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

[lji372]

i've been trying to lose weight and realize what the hardest part of eating vegetables is....


getting them back in the wheelchair

[Jeffonebuck]

Who has made more Money??,,,,,Gold Miners or Gold Diggers ?

[MarauderMax]

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home


It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch."

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"awshit" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

[kirk]

Why can't you trust atoms?





Because they make up EVERYTHING!