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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #2551
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Glendale, CA
    Posts
    235
    Two Nuns are walking down the street when two men grab them and drag them into an alley. The men start to sexually assault the Nuns. One Nun says "Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does." And the second Nun yells "Mine does."

    1995 AM General Hummer
    2004 Crown Vic Sport

  2. #2552
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    over here, with the 40's of beer.
    Age
    21
    Posts
    9,026
    Woman: Do you drink beer?
    Man: Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

    (This is where it gets scary !)

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:
    About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
    for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No

    Man:
    Where's your Ferrari?
    I LOVE Jerry's bar, it's my kinda place...........






    When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same way when you are stupid.

    "Chuck Norris built my stock longblock. It runs on the tears of small children and makes 10,000 hp. He said it's his 'street version' "


    Trilogy # 192 / T.S. 0012

    BOOST GETS YOU FELONY STOPPED!!!





  3. #2553
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    essextrash, maryland
    Age
    38
    Posts
    2,829
    Quote Originally Posted by Spectragod View Post
    Woman: Do you drink beer?
    Man: Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

    (This is where it gets scary !)

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:
    About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
    for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No

    Man:
    Where's your Ferrari?
    Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. #2554
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Moreau Island
    Posts
    12,207
    The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

    Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

    Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

    They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

    Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

    Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

  5. #2555
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Sacramento
    Posts
    3,737
    Robin Williams dressed as Mork, (Mork from Ork) throwing eggs gently into the air, saying, "Fly my friend, be free!"


    2003 300A Black, #4918 of 7838, 17,400 Miles
    Tune, KYB's, JLT, FlowMaster 42441, Res Delete, New BFG's, 8 coats of zymoil Titanium

    2003 300B Silver Birch, #21 of 419, 29,800 miles
    Tune, JLT, FlowMaster 42441 Res Delete, New Nitto 235/255 Bigcarsforever dead peddle & custom SRP peddles, 5 coats Zymoil Titanium, Addco front and rear sway bars, KYBs, 1/2 inch coil cut, Sparta Watts link and Control Arms, Carfixer alignment.

    2003 CV Sport Matador Red, 19,280 Miles, DD, Curless Full Service Royal flush, Marto Tune, 18 Chrome Wheels w 235/265 front/back Nitto tires, NEW OEM Sport Springs -1 coil & Monroe Severe Duty (front) shocks, Addco front and rear sway bars, KYB rear Shocks, Carfixer Alignment.

    2004 CV HPP Silver Birch, 93,000 miles. Son's DD, 18 Chrome Wheels w 235/265 front/back Nitto tires (thank you Lowndex!)

  6. #2556
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Grand Rapids, MI
    Posts
    118
    How many democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just one, but it really gets screwed.
    The BEAUTY - 03 Mercury Marauder Stock (mostly)
    1/4 mile est@slow

    The BEAST - 04 CVPI ex MSP, Kooks LTs, OBX mid/X pipe, OBX mufflers, 4" megs tips, Accufab plenum 75mm TB combo, Accel COPs, KnN CAI, J-mod, Heinous control arms FRPP 3.73 w/ tracloc, SCT Lonnie tune.
    1/4 mile 14.8@93mph

    WTB - Steeda U/D
    WTT - Accufab 75mm TB for Accufab 70mm TB.

  7. #2557
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Las Vegas, NV
    Age
    75
    Posts
    431
    For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike!
    2003 Marauder 1907 of 7838
    Built 06/24/02 Bought 10/25/02 Sold 1/5/19
    Reinhart chip,stat,plugs
    McGard locks
    Mercury logo valve/plate bolt caps
    Bob White black reflective letters
    Pioneer AVH-X2500BT
    Kicker 10" sub and 250 watt amp
    Gods Head spinners by Jerry

  8. #2558
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Las Vegas, NV
    Age
    75
    Posts
    431
    A little 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, he turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

    "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

    The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

    "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

    The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks 'and' a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

    Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams, "Look Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley!

    "YOU RIDE IT!"
    2003 Marauder 1907 of 7838
    Built 06/24/02 Bought 10/25/02 Sold 1/5/19
    Reinhart chip,stat,plugs
    McGard locks
    Mercury logo valve/plate bolt caps
    Bob White black reflective letters
    Pioneer AVH-X2500BT
    Kicker 10" sub and 250 watt amp
    Gods Head spinners by Jerry

  9. #2559
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Gadsden, Al
    Age
    49
    Posts
    2,370
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Man View Post
    The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

    Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

    Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

    They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

    Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

    Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
    Pretty good...
    2003 Black/Light Flint MM, PROCHARGER D1SC#30, 4.10 GEARS, REAR COOLING MOD, ZACK BIG BRAKE KIT, 3500 STALL, WIDENED REAR WHEELS.

    1993 MUSTANG LX HATCH, 347 STROKER, 3.73 GEARS, TUBULAR K MEMBER, TKO 3550 TRANNY, AEROSPACE DUAL PISTON BREAKS.

  10. #2560
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Gales Ferry, CT
    Age
    34
    Posts
    998
    What do you get when a topless blonde starts putting sunscreen on a topless brunette?
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    Your Camera!
    2003 300A #5377 130,XXX Miles

    Drilled and slotted rotors from Ebay
    JLT
    Stainless Works Long Tube Headers and 3" catback.
    Mo's Tune


  11. #2561
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Rome, GA.
    Age
    55
    Posts
    496

    The joy of daughters

    Car Terminology - The joy of Daughters

    *

    A daughter asked her Dad,*"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

    *

    Her Dad said,*"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."*** * *

    Chris Stewart
    03 Marauder
    Paxton 2200
    20" wheels
    637.21rwhp
    538.59rwtq

    04 DTR Son's car
    4.10, K&N CAI, Jeff tune
    Headers, underdrive pulley
    297.26 rwhp
    312rwtq

    06 F-150 Supercrew Lariat 4x4
    305/55 20's

  12. #2562
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Location
    Saint Clair Shores, Michigan
    Age
    25
    Posts
    744
    Quote Originally Posted by BigM460 View Post
    Car Terminology - The joy of Daughters

    *

    A daughter asked her Dad,*"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

    *

    Her Dad said,*"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."*** * *

    2005 Mercury S55
    Saleen Supercharged 2V

  13. #2563
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Rome, GA.
    Age
    55
    Posts
    496

    It's so hot!

    Yesterday was so hot! On the way home I bought a loaf of bread. By the time I got home, it was toast!

    Chris Stewart
    03 Marauder
    Paxton 2200
    20" wheels
    637.21rwhp
    538.59rwtq

    04 DTR Son's car
    4.10, K&N CAI, Jeff tune
    Headers, underdrive pulley
    297.26 rwhp
    312rwtq

    06 F-150 Supercrew Lariat 4x4
    305/55 20's

  14. #2564
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Rockford
    Age
    64
    Posts
    10,227

    Talking

    Viagra!
    I just started taking it!
    Not for sex, to keep my slippers dry!
    2004 Trilogy #93P 12.2@113 Built and stalled

  15. #2565
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Gales Ferry, CT
    Age
    34
    Posts
    998
    A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

    The leader, a big burly man from Chicago, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

    "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

    While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

    So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.

    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
    2003 300A #5377 130,XXX Miles

    Drilled and slotted rotors from Ebay
    JLT
    Stainless Works Long Tube Headers and 3" catback.
    Mo's Tune


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