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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #2596
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Remington, IN
    Age
    56
    Posts
    711
    HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
    10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
    Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    11. Fetch tools from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from electricity pole across the road.
    Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
    Take last pill from foil wrap.
    13. Tie the little ****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
    15. Arrange for animal shelter to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



    HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
    1. Wrap it in bacon or stick in piece of hot dog.
    2. Feed to dog, JOB DONE !!!
    2003 Marauder... the gentleman's hot rod.

    You know what I like best about most people? Their dogs.


  2. #2597
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Paderborn, Germany
    Posts
    629
    This was originally published in a satirical Polish newspaper that someone translated to English. The translation isn't perfect and might sound a little odd at times but just keep in mind it wasn't done by a native tongue, I still think you might get a good laugh out of it.

    Some background information to understand what it is about and why it was done: As most of your will probably know, Britain will soon be leaving the European Union in what they call a Brexit. The largest foreign population in Britain at the moment are the Poles, upon Brexit they will loose their rights to be living and working in the UK and must return to Poland unless they apply for British citizenship. The following satire basically describes why so many Poles are living and working in the UK, what they think of the British especially when it comes to their work and also what the British think of the Polish.



    The institute of work ethic at the university of Birmingham has recently conducted a comparative study of the different labour methods between British and Polish workers, the result can be best described as something like this:


    Imagine at 5:30 the morning, the bell rings at your door. It‘s Bolek and his Polish crew to renovate your apartment. Six energetic faces that can only mean one thing: "Let us work, work, work!" At the same time in a different place: The British plumber is active too, he snores. His facial impression can only mean one thing: "Let me sleep, sleep, sleep!"

    5:32 Bolek and his crew unload their van. They drove through the night from Poland. On their way they stopped in Germany to built a double garage and tiled two roofs in Belgium. You explain Bolek what to do. Renovate the entire apartment: remove all wallpapers; put a wall breakthrough in the living room; renew all electric installation and plumping; plaster, paint and repaper every wall, laminate all rooms, tile the kitchen and bathroom. Bolek is disappointed, he thought there was work for the whole day.

    6:30 The British plumber turns over in his bed.

    7:00 Your apartment looks like London in 1941. All wallpapers are down. Bolek, Leschek and Malek install new power cables. Antek and Spishek are plastering the walls and Franek prepares the kitchen for the laminate and tiles.

    7:30 The British plumber gets up. He goes into the bathroom, looks at himself in the mirror and declares: The British middle class has never been doing so bad as today!

    7:50 The Poles have completed plastering their first wall.

    8:00 The British plumber eats his breakfast. Then he picks up his apprentice and is on his way to you. On their way they notice that they still have refuel before work so they stop and have two beers each. Now they are ready for work!

    9:30 The Poles have completed the first room of your apartment. They have been working for four hours straight and seem a little tired so you suggest a little break but Poles have their own method. They unscrew a power outlet to touch its pins, after that everybody is wide awake and continues working.

    9:35 The British plumber is at your door. He looks like the big brother of Barney, wearing a boiler suit and shirt with the inscription: "Beer formed this beautiful body!" His pants are hanging low, revealing his buttocks, the so-called "plumber's cleavage". He greets you with the phrase "It‘s Miller Plumbing, are you the clogged siphon? " You nod and let him in.

    10:15 The Poles have completed the second room.

    10:20 The British plumber looks at your clogged siphon and says the standard plumbers phrase: "Oh, oh, oh, that‘ll be pricy" An important sentence as each "Oh" means £50 more than the original quote. "Oh, oh, oh, that‘ll be pricy!" is one of four sentences that British plumbers will learn during their education. The other three phrases are: "If I were you, I‘d just renew everything", "That wasn‘t me, it was already broken!" and "Do you really need an invoice?" After reviewing the siphon the plumber stands up and takes a break.

    11:00 The Poles start painting the walls.

    11:30 The British plumber finishes his break and starts working on the siphon. Beside him is his apprentice. British plumbers will always come with an apprentice because the British plumbing business is structured hierarchical. At the top is the master, then comes the assistant, the apprentice and then, all the way at the bottom, you. The actual task of the apprentice has not yet been discovered. In most cases he is just standing there with his mouth open. At least 80% of British apprentices spend the entire working day with their mouths open. Anthropologists have suggested that this is a safety mechanism, as long as the apprentice has his mouth open, the master knows that he‘s still alive and breathing. One cannot tell this from the movements of the apprentice because they are non existant while the master is at work. The British apprentice actually moves so little in his work day that the Chamber of Commerce has in fact started prescribing compression stockings for apprentices.

    11:45 The Poles are tiling the bathroom.

    11:50 The British plumber discovers that he‘s missing a socket so he sends the apprentice off to the van to get it. You figure that at his speed with the distance to the van and back you could already wish him a Happy Easter, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year until you see him again. Meanwhile the master looks at you and notices that he‘s thirsty so you offer him a glass of water but he declines: "I don‘t want to wash myself, I'm thirsty."

    12:15 Small comunication problem with a Pole, Franek made a mistake. You noticed it when he came out of your kitchen and proudly announced: "The sauna is finished!“ You look in the kitchen and realise he stuck the laminate to the walls and the tiles on the floor.

    12:20: The British apprentice returns with the socket but of course it‘s the wrong size, the correct one doesn‘t exist. The master sends him off to a hardware store to buy one. Their hourly wage comes to mind and you begin to realise that this trip could cost you a mortgage.

    13:30 Franek fixed the kitchen and completed the entire electric installation in your apartment.

    15:00 After his lunch break, the British plumber groans in pain as he tried to continue work on the siphon. A critical moment for you. If a British plumber starts to grimace with pain in front of you, it is absolutly important to respond in only one correct way: Ignore it! Look away! Pretend as if you hadn‘t noticed! But of course you make the big mistake to ask the plumber if everything is fine. The answer: "Calcification in the elbows. Horrible, you know? I've been to thousands of doctors I tell you, let me go grab the radiographs from the van to show you."

    15:10 Bolek and his crew is done. Your apartment is all renovated and clean. The total adds up to just £200. The Poles will now drive to Scotland for their next job.

    15:50 You learned about the the entire medical history of the British plumber, his family, his friends, his dog and the family and friends of his dog. You know his hemorrhoids better than he knows your siphon and of course there is only one reason for his illness: The work, the stress, the pressure he has in his medium sized business. This overwhelming pressure and these inhumane taxes. If he didn‘t do black labour there was no way he could pay his taxes. On top of everything the socialist green government gives him the rest. He can not eat or drink. He does not even want to have sex with his wife. As he downs his seventh beer, you wonder how plumbers even have sex. Do they yell "Darling, I'm coming" or "Darling, get ready. I'm coming between 8 and 2 o‘clock" during orgasm and do they charge her for additional services?

    15:58 Suddenly the plumbers watch beeps, closing time! You are getting nervous, what about the siphon? You suggest that the plumbers could maybe work a bit of overtime but master and apprentice look at each other like two Teletubbies. Brain researchers have found out that the word "overtime" can not be placed in a meaningful context by any British plumber. They both pack their tools and ask for a total of £420 in labour costs. They are still going to repair your siphon and will drop by again soon. The best way is for you to stay ready between May and September, thank you!

  3. #2598
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    mentor ohio
    Age
    57
    Posts
    53
    A guy is drunk at a bar, he pukes all over his shirt tells his friend that his wife is going to be mad. his friend says "tell her someone at the bar puked on you and put a $10 bill in your shirt for the cleaning". He goes home and his wife is pissed, he tells her someone puked on his shirt and the fellow put $10 in his pocket. wife reached in his pocket and pulled out a $20, he said "oh yeah he **** in my pants too

  4. #2599
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Sacramento
    Posts
    3,512
    I am 55 years old. I first told this joke in public when I was 18 years old in PE... aAfter which was told to "take a lap!" Mr. Woodcock style.

    I was at the Doctor recently discussing differenet blood tests when I innocently asked the younger Doctor, "What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?" The Doctor went on and on explaining the biological differences until I stopped her... And said, Doc, you are too young--that is the oldest setup ever. She smiled and said, "Ok, what is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone??" I responded, "You can't hear an enzyme!"


    2003 300A Black, #4918 of 7838, 17,400 Miles
    Tune, KYB's, JLT, FlowMaster 42441, Res Delete, New BFG's, 8 coats of zymoil Titanium

    2003 300B Silver Birch, #21 of 419, 29,800 miles
    Tune, JLT, FlowMaster 42441 Res Delete, New Nitto 235/255 Bigcarsforever dead peddle & custom SRP peddles, 5 coats Zymoil Titanium, Addco front and rear sway bars, KYBs, 1/2 inch coil cut, Sparta Watts link and Control Arms, Carfixer alignment.

    2003 CV Sport Matador Red, 19,280 Miles, DD, Curless Full Service Royal flush, Marto Tune, 18 Chrome Wheels w 235/265 front/back Nitto tires, NEW OEM Sport Springs -1 coil & Monroe Severe Duty (front) shocks, Addco front and rear sway bars, KYB rear Shocks, Carfixer Alignment.

    2004 CV HPP Silver Birch, 93,000 miles. Son's DD, 18 Chrome Wheels w 235/265 front/back Nitto tires (thank you Lowndex!)

  5. #2600
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    8,371
    Blog Entries
    1
    The problem with that is hors don't mone.
    1/4 Mile Time 11.542 @ 121.19 MPH
    195,000 Miles & 275+ Runs Down the 1,320’
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  6. #2601
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Moreau Island
    Posts
    11,506
    A guy walks into a bar with a box and sets it on the bar. The bartender says "What's in the box?" The guy opens the box and pulls out a brass lamp and a tiny concert piano and a twelve inch midget dressed in a tuxedo. Bartender looks puzzled and does one of these . So the guy whispers something to the midget and the midget begins to play a Beethoven melody. "Wow" says the bartender, "How did you get him, he plays wonderfully"? "Well" says the guy, "I got him by rubbing this genie lamp and the genie gave me a wish". "Want to try it"? The bartender says "Yes" and rubs the lamp. Out pops a genie and asks the bartender for his wish. The bartender thinks for a second then exclaims "Got it" and wishes into the genies ear. A few seconds goes by and all of a sudden a duck walks into the bar, then another and another. After a dozen ducks walk into the bar and more keep coming in after those 12 the bartender says "I wished for a million bucks, not ducks" The guy looks at the bartender and says "I think the genie is hard of hearing, do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist"?

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