Page 2 of 174 FirstFirst 1234567891252102 ... LastLast
Results 16 to 30 of 2606

Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Hiram, Georgia
    Age
    61
    Posts
    17,780
    There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

  2. #17
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Hiram, Georgia
    Age
    61
    Posts
    17,780
    "I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
    ---- Hannibal Lechter

  3. #18
    Vince Gortner Guest
    Bar jokes are good.

    Cheesburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender turns to look at him and says,"Sorry. We don't serve food here."

  4. #19
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Off-Shore America
    Posts
    10,219

    Famous people speculate!

    on the eternal question...Why did the Chicken cross the Road?

    George W. Bush:
    We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us, or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

    Al Gore:
    I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

    Bill Gate:
    I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important do***ents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

    Martha Stewart:
    No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I h ad a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    Dr. Seuss:
    Did the chicken cross the road?
    Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
    But why it crossed, I've not been told!

    Ernest Hemingway:
    To die. In the rain. Alone.

    Martin Luther King Jr's:
    I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    Your Grandpa:
    In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    Barbara Walters:
    Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

    Ralph Nader:
    The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

    Jerry Seinfield:
    Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

    Pat Buchanan:
    To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

    Rush Limbaugh:
    I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I
    say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money! the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.


    Jerry Falwell:
    Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".

    John Lennon:
    Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

    Aristotle:
    It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    Karl Marx:
    It was a historical inevitability.

    Saddam Hussein:
    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    Voltaire:
    I may not agree with what! the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

    Captain Kirk:
    To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    Fox Mulder:
    You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

    Scully:
    It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

    Bill Clinton:
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

    The Bible:
    And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    Albert Einstein:
    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    Sigmund Freud:
    The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    Chicago Police:
    Give us ten minutes with the chicken we'll find out.

    Richard Nixon:
    The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

    Buddha:
    If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

    Joseph Stalin:
    I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

    Carl Jung:
    The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
    individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

    Louis Farrakhan:
    The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

    John Locke:
    Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

    Albert Camas:
    It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

    Oliver Stone:
    The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

    The Pope:
    That is only for God to know.

    Immanuel Kant:
    Chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

    MC. Escher:
    That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

    George Orwell:
    Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

    Plato:
    For the greater good.

    Nietzsche:
    Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

    B.F. Skinner:
    Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

    Jean-Paul Sartre:
    In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

    Emily Dickenson:
    Because it could not stop for death.

    O.J. Simpson:
    It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

    Ken Starr:
    I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to
    ruffle his feathers.).

    Colonel Sanders:
    I missed one?

  5. #20
    Vince Gortner Guest
    Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

    "Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a Xmas party Friday... Thought you might like to come. About 5..."

    "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

    "Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops."More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

    "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

  6. #21
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    liverpool ny
    Age
    68
    Posts
    549
    Northern area
    P.S. make sure the better half's not reding along.
    How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower?
    Hand the wench a shovel!
    Black 03MM-A Bought 8/26/02 Built 6/ 21/02 -SOLD
    IMOA MV1, MV2

    2008 Lincoln Mark LT, loaded

  7. #22
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Hiram, Georgia
    Age
    61
    Posts
    17,780
    HELLO! My name is Armand. Driving to my office this morning on
    the L.I.E 495 near Roslyn, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on
    her eye makeup.

    I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there
    she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.

    It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
    the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and
    disconnected an important call.

    DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!

  8. #23
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    San Diego California
    Age
    63
    Posts
    1,095
    Guy walks into a bar

    Do you serve crabs here? He asks

    Yeah, we'll serve anyone!
    "From the forest itself comes the handle for the axe"



    He's here! Carson James Mo--our 1st
    Born 6/02/2005

    Member Windy City Marauders

    1988 Mustang LX notch
    5.0 5 speed
    Engine by Total Performance
    GONE rear ended by a douchbag on his phone

    1990 Mustang LX Notch bought from the original owner


    2006 Dodge Magnum R/T (hers)


    (\__/)
    (='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
    (")_(")* into your signature to help her gain world domination.

  9. #24
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    San Diego California
    Age
    63
    Posts
    1,095
    Did you hear they're closing all the K-marts in Iraq?

    They're all becoming Targets.......
    "From the forest itself comes the handle for the axe"



    He's here! Carson James Mo--our 1st
    Born 6/02/2005

    Member Windy City Marauders

    1988 Mustang LX notch
    5.0 5 speed
    Engine by Total Performance
    GONE rear ended by a douchbag on his phone

    1990 Mustang LX Notch bought from the original owner


    2006 Dodge Magnum R/T (hers)


    (\__/)
    (='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
    (")_(")* into your signature to help her gain world domination.

  10. #25
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Hiram, Georgia
    Age
    61
    Posts
    17,780
    A blond bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

    "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"

    The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

    "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again"
    came from the speakers. She drove away happy, and for the
    next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven," she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get
    one of theirs....

    One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him.

    "*******!" she yelled.....

    The French National Anthem began to play.

  11. #26
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    BANK OF BANKS CREEK
    Age
    66
    Posts
    1,620
    Man walks outside at night and looking to the stars says...God are you there and a voice replies...yes...man asks what's a million years like to you...voice replies a second...man asks what's a million dollars like to you...voice replies a penny...with a big smile the man asks...can I have a penny...voice replies...wait a second...
    ---------------------------------------
    2003 Marauder BLACK
    SS inserts
    Addco sway bars
    JLT CAI
    4.10's
    MO's custom tune
    275 rwhp/303 lbs. torque

  12. #27
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Off-Shore America
    Posts
    10,219

    My Favorite Signs...

    On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
    "We're #1 in the #2 business."
    **************************
    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
    **************************
    At a Proctologist's door
    "To expedite your visit please back in."
    **************************
    On a Plumber's truck:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."
    **************************
    On a Plumber's truck:
    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
    **************************
    Pizza Shop Slogan:
    "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
    **************************
    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
    "Invite us to your next blowout."
    **************************
    On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
    "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
    **************************
    At a Towing company:
    "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
    **************************
    On an Electrician's truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."
    **************************
    In a Nonsmoking Area:
    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
    **************************
    On a Maternity Room door:
    "Push. Push. Push."
    **************************
    At an Optometrist's Office
    "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
    **************************
    On a Taxidermist's window:
    "We really know our stuff."
    **************************
    In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."
    **************************
    On a residential fence:
    "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
    **************************
    At a Car Dealership:
    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
    **************************
    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
    **************************
    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
    **************************
    At the Electric Company:
    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
    However, if you don't, you will be."
    **************************
    In a Restaurant window:
    "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
    **************************
    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
    **************************
    At a Propane Filling Station,
    "Tank heaven for little grills."
    **************************
    And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
    "Best place in town to take a leak."

  13. #28
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Misquamicut, RI
    Age
    66
    Posts
    3,835
    Dude gets on a plane, sits down next to a parrot. Dude asks for a cocktail, stewardess ignores him. Parrot says " Hey @#$%&, bring me a *&^%$#@ Beer. !0 seconds later parrot has a Bud. Dude , still polite still no service. Parrot same trash mouth , same good service. Dude tries parrots method, instant service. Now it becomes a contest who can be the foulest. Soon pilot requests visit with parrot and dude. Both still talking gutter, so the pilot throws them out the door. On the way down the dude says, "You talk pretty mean for a bird." Parrot says, "Yeah, and you talk pretty stupid for someone with no wings!"
    300A
    born 08-27-02
    Adjusted air in and air out.
    400+ timeslips.

    When in doubt, GAS IT! This will either fix the problem, or end the suspense.

  14. #29
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Hiram, Georgia
    Age
    61
    Posts
    17,780
    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

    Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

    Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

    The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

    The little boy replied, "Yea, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

  15. #30
    CrowSS Guest
    Grasshopper goes into a saloon and hops onto the top of the bar.

    Barkeep says, "Hey! We have drink named after you!"

    Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named, Bob??!"

Page 2 of 174 FirstFirst 1234567891252102 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 3 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 3 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Turkey Day 1961 LeMans & 1965 Mustang
    By sailsmen in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-26-2004, 04:18 PM
  2. Powderpuff (Girls) Football! Cowboy Western Day!
    By woaface in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 11-19-2004, 10:27 AM
  3. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-22-2004, 04:54 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •