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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #31
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    A few weeks ago an officer in the naval reserve was attending a
    conference that included admirals in both
    the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception,he
    found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each
    of the two navies.

    The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans
    learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then
    asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these
    conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

    Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it
    is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to
    speak German." The group became silent.
    2017 Niro

  2. #32
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    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

  3. #33
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    Guy goes to a $10 hooker and he gets crabs.
    He goes back to her to complain and she says....

    What did you expect????


    Lobster????
    "From the forest itself comes the handle for the axe"



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  4. #34
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    Mustard...

    The producer's of French's Mustard recently made the following public statement;



    "We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, domestic, or, foregin, between us. Nor, has there ever been a relationship, domestic or foregin, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed. Our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY., the only thing we have in common with France, is that we are both yellow."



    Well okay now, glad we got this cleared up, eh?

  5. #35
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    Ok here goes.............

    If you clone yourself and you push your naked clone out of a window.......

    are you guilty of murder or............




    making an obscene clone fall?
    "From the forest itself comes the handle for the axe"



    He's here! Carson James Mo--our 1st
    Born 6/02/2005

    Member Windy City Marauders

    1988 Mustang LX notch
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  6. #36
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    Little old Italian gentleman walks into a hardware store. Clerk says "can I help you?"

    "Si" says the little Italian gentleman.

    "I'm a wanna buy a file".

    "Well", says the clerk, "we have a hundred different files. What do you need the file for?"

    "Oh, I'm a gotta this parakeet, shes a pecka my finger and makea me bleed. I'm a wanna file to filea down the beak."

    "Whoa", says the clerk. "A parakeet's a very fragile bird. You might hurt her."

    "Thatsa OK", says the little Italian fellow. "I'm a gotta filea down the beak, shes a maka me bleed."

    "Well, OK" says the clerk; "Here's the mildest file I have".

    Two days later, the Iltalian fellow is back in the store browsing.

    "Say" says the clek. "Weren't you here a few days ago buying a file for your parakeet?"

    "Si" says the little Italian gentlemman. "Thatsa me"

    "Well" says the clerk. "How did you make out?"

    "Ah" says the little Italian gentleman. "The bird, shesa die"

    "I knew it" says the clerk. "That file was too rough".

    "No, no , no" says the little Italian gentleman. "Shesa no die from the file. Shesa die when I put her head in the vice !!"

  7. #37
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    a young foreign girl is taugh all her life when she gets married to respect her husband and clean up after him . so finally the day comes and she gets married . they go and spend there first night in a fancy hotel . the new wife gets up first and sees her husbands clothes all over the floor . she thinks i better pick up his clothes , as she bends over to pick up his pants she lets a loud fart , she spins around and says to her husband , so sorry new husband front hole so happy that back laught out loud
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  8. #38
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    Angry

    Yeah, I am an animal lover as well.
    Howsabout this one, no harm came to the cat, either.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    ============================== ===
    Forget directions, I need to file a flight plan
    ============================== ===

  9. #39
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    : Britain and France
    A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
    And that is of course is why from that day forward all French Army officers wear brown pants!
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  10. #40
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    Where does Saddam keep his Cd's? In A Rack.....OK so its a little outdated...they are now actually kept in Syria but that would ruin the joke!
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  11. #41
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    Cleaned up. I chose not to close it because, well... everyone likes jokes! So, just keep it clean and not gross or offensive.

  12. #42
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    This thread seems to have gone dormant. I don't know about you guys, but I sure could use a laugh or two!


    "Asking for Directions"

    A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at
    a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

    "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
    he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

    "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Franšais?" he tries.
    The two continue to stare.

    "Parlare Italiano?" No response.

    "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

    The first American turns to the second and says,
    "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

    "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four
    languages, and it didn't do him any good."

  13. #43
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    I would break out the lawyer jokes, but marty probably wouldn't find 'em funny, and other's wouldn't think they were jokes...

  14. #44
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    Originally posted by LincMercLover
    I would break out the lawyer jokes, but marty probably wouldn't find 'em funny, and other's wouldn't think they were jokes...

  15. #45
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    An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.

    "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."

    "It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."

    "You were both in great danger, two people together under those cir***stances act that way. You are forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

    "And what is that?"

    "Should I tell her the war is over?"


    Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it - what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone. -- Carlos Castaneda

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