Joke of the day

[jerrym3]

blonde joke:

Country blonde is sick of being called "dumb blonde", so she has her hair colored black.

One day, out in the country, she comes across a sheep farmer with his herd.

"Sir", she says, "if I guess the correct number of sheep, can I have one?"

"Sure" he says.

So she guesses 352 and the farmer is shocked because she is right. But, being true to his word, he says "Go ahead, take any one you want".

I'll take this one" she says, "She feels nice and friendly".

After a few seconds, the farmer responds.

"Now", he says, "if I tell you what color hair you used to have, can I have my dog back?"

[GodOSpeed]

Little Johnny wakes up on Christmas morning to a shiney new red bicycle. He hops on and takes it for a spin to the park. Just as he is riding around a cop rides up on horseback.
"Hey Little Johnny nice bike you have there! Did Santa bring that for you?"
"Yes he did." replied Johnny
"Well next year tell Santa to put some reflectors on it would you?"and he procedes to write him a ticket.
Just as he's riding off Little Johnny chimes in "Hey Mr. Police man did Santa bring that horse for you?"
Just for amusments sake the cop says " yea he sure did."
Little Johnny says " Next year could you tell Santa to put the Dick underneith the horse instead of on top of it?"

[MM03MOK]

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years..

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.










You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

[jrzygrl]

Two sisters inherit a failing farm. One is a blonde the other a brunette. they have exactly $600.00 to buy a new bull to breed the stock and save the farm. The brunette goes out to find one. She tells the blonde when she finds a proper bull she will contact her to bring the wagon and pick up the bull. Shortly after, the brunette finds the perfect bull for $599.00. She goes to the local telegraph station to send the blonde a message, but it's $1.00 a word. She thinks a minute and then tells the operator to send the word "comfortable". The operator says "how will she know what you mean"? The brunette replies, "she's blonde, she will read it real SLOW! " COME FOR TA BULL"

[dok]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much
he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the
bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack,
Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

[JamesHecker]

Originally posted by dok
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

Wow, somebody went a long, long way for this one.

[RF Overlord]

A man is strolling down Newbury St (a very chi-chi street in Boston) and happens to see this old, tiny, antiques shop that he's never noticed before. He goes in and looks around, and sees a small brass rat in a display case. He asks the wizened old oriental gentleman behind the counter "How much?" The shopkeeper replies: "$50 for the rat, but it will be $500 for the story." The man says "No, thanks, I'll just take the rat". He pays for it and leaves. As he's continuing on down the street, he starts to realise that he's being followed by real rats. He passes hotel dumpsters and restaurants, and more and more rats begin to follow him. Pretty soon he reaches the Charles River and sees there are THOUSANDS of rats behind him. He gets all nervous and paranoid, thinking he should have paid for "the story", so he takes the brass rat out of his pocket and throws it in the river. To his amazement, all the rats follow it in and drown. So, the man goes back to the old, tiny antiques shop. The little old oriental shopkeeper sees him and comes over. "Ah, you have come back for the story!" No", the man says; "I came back to see if you had a brass attorney!"

"Disclaimer: this story has NOTHING AT ALL to do with martyo"

[martyo]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait so long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can
just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the
Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
.......

"HEBREWS"

[Dr Caleb]

You Know You're a Redneck When...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your grandmother has Guns&Ammo on her Christmas list.

11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

16. You can spit without opening your mouth.

17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

[Dr Caleb]

Billboards do get entertaining...

[MapleLeafMerc]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than to be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Alan]

For all you other cops out there....

A police officer pulled over a man for speeding. Upon approaching the car, the officer noticed the man had 5 machetes in the back seat. The officer quickly explained to the man why he was pulled over and asked why he had those machetes in his back seat. The driver explained that he was a juggler and that they were part of his act. The officer explained that he shouldn't have them out like that and that he should confiscate them. The officer said that he would let the guy go on one condition: he had to step out of the vehicle and prove that he could juggle all 5 machetes.

The officer steped to the side of the road with the driver. The driver proceeded to juggle 3, then 4, then all 5 machetes.

At the same time, an older couple was driving by and noticed the juggler and the officer on the side of the road. The old man turned to his wife and said, "Mildred...I've got to stop drinking. Those new field sobriety tests are getting tough!"

[MapleLeafMerc]

Not a joke, but a humourous story; I first saw it in a local paper in '96, under the title of ROCKETMAN.

"Last year's Darwin Award was given to a man crushed to death by a Coke machine from which he was trying to yank a free soda. (The Darwins go to the people who do the gene pool the biggest favour by killing themselves in an extraordinary and stupid way).

Front runner this year: Mystery owner of a jet-propelled Chevy Impala.

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. Wreckage resembled that at an airplane crash, but it was a car—make and model unidentifiable at the scene. A lab figured out the story. It seems the driver had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off—actually a solid fuel rocket) that's used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" taking off from short airfields.

He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, and fired off the jet device. The cops calculate that the driver of the car...

•hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 3 miles from the crash site. Asphalt was scorched and melted there.

•reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event.

•remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.

•became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet and leaving a black crater three feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. This Chevy wasn't licensed to Wile E. Coyote by any chance?"

[Macon Marauder]

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

[jerrym3]

Blonde is walking down the street with two dogs when she meets a friend.

"Oh", says the friend. "What cute dogs. What are their names?"

"Well", says the blonde. "This one is named Timex, and that one is named Rollex"

"What strange names for a dog!", says the friend.

"HELLOOOOOOO", says the blonde. "They're watch dogs!!!"