Joke of the day

[duhtroll]

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.




Oh, and about the toilet seat - last I checked women had opposable thumbs and could work a toilet seat.

I solved this problem once and for all. If it's ever mentioned that I have left the seat up, I just leave it down all the time and I never hear about it again.

WE don't need it down about 80% of the time. You gals use it that way, YOU put it down. Otherwise you can change the oil in our cars because you get to drive them occasionally.

And make me a sandwich while yer at it.



(it's the JOKE thread . . .huh? Oh, right away, dear.)

[Dr Caleb]

(it's the JOKE thread . . .huh? Oh, right away, dear.)

Speaking of which, I've been waiting a nearly a month, and I'm still giggling at this:

The man thinks a minute and says "Spell Checkoslovakia!"

Here's a hint why. There is supposed to be a 'Z' in there somewhere. Ohhhh, the irony!

[03SILVERSTREAK]

1975: Long hair


2005: Longing for hair

1975: KEG

2005: EKG

1975: Acid rock

2005: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to

California because it's cool

2005: Moving to

Arizona because it's warm

1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1975: Seeds and stems

2005: Roughage

1975: Hoping for a BMW

2005: Hoping for a GM


1975: Going to a new, hip joint

2005: Receiving a new hip joint


1975: Rolling Stones

2005: Kidney Stones

1975: Being called into the principal's office

2005: Calling the principal's office


1975: Screw the system

2005: Upgrade the system


1975: Disco

2005: Costco


1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1975: Passing the drivers' test

2005: Passing the vision test


1975: Whatever

2005: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

Thanks Ralf...

[duhtroll]

CDs were around earlier than that - 1985?

[BruteForce]

Dave met Stacey in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Stacey invited Dave to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Stacey began tenderly stroking Dave's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Dave comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Stacey replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine"

[BruteForce]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car!"

[BruteForce]

You mofos are a funny lot.

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[Dr Caleb]

You mofos are a funny lot.

Happy to be of amusement

[duhtroll]

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he bought her her own cell phone.

Two or three days after her telephone had been in service, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own phone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

[BruteForce]

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

[BruteForce]

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."

"Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious -- she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."

"Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

"That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"

[BruteForce]

Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.

[whoskal]

READ THIS OUT LOUD


THIS IS THIS CAT
THIS IS IS CAT
THIS IS HOW CAT
THIS IS TO CAT
THIS IS KEEP CAT
THIS IS AN CAT
THIS IS IDIOT CAT
THIS IS BUSY CAT
THIS IS FOR CAT
THIS IS FORTY CAT
THIS IS SECONDS CAT



















NOW GO BACK AND READ THE THIRD WORD IN EACH LINE

[whoskal]

A man walks

[whoskal]

A man walks into a bar and see's a one foot tall man playing the piano so he goes up to the bartender

Man: Where in the heck did you get that guy playing the piano.

Bartender: I have a magic genie in a lamp.

Man: Really!!! Mind if I give it a try!

Bartender: Sure but you only get one wish.

So the man rubs the lamp and a genie appears and asks what his wish is... the man wishes for a million bucks...then BOOM all of a sudden a million ducks appear in the bar.......

Man: What the hell!!! this genie is hard of hearing or something.

Bartender: You're telling me! How do you think I ended up with a 12 inch pianist.