Page 8 of 174 FirstFirst 1234567891011121314151858108 ... LastLast
Results 106 to 120 of 2606

Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #106
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Central California
    Age
    63
    Posts
    97
    2 lawyers walking down the street see a beautiful woman walking toward them.

    the first lawyer says " i'de really like to screw her"

    The second lawyer says "out of what?"

  2. #107
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Central California
    Age
    63
    Posts
    97
    a cop pulls a lady over.

    he asks for her licence - she says she lost it after being arrested 9 times for DYI.

    he askes for her regestration - she replies she does have it because the car is stolen.

    he asks where the owner is - she replies he's in the truck cut up in little pieces.

    the officer hurriedly calls for backup.

    his sergent arrives and asks her for drivers license and reg. She promptly gives them to him.

    he says i don't understand. My officer says you were driving without a license, a stolen car and had a body in the truck.

    she says i'll bet that lying SOB said i was speeding to.

  3. #108
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    9,769
    They are getting better. He Heh
    2003 Marauder 300B,
    6468 out of 7839 - Thanks Brian
    Heated Seats
    35% Tint
    Mercury All Weather Mats
    Trunk Organizer - Thanks MartyO
    Sold 4/3/2009 Now resides in AL.
    1961 Pontiac Bonneville Convertible
    1973 Oldsmobile Toronado
    2012 Kia Sedona Van
    2008 Corvette Convertible
    2003 Marauder 300 A Thanks Larry O 6/14/17
    2021 Prius Prime Limited
    2023 Chevrolet Silverado High Country
    Member # 440
    ----- John

  4. #109
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    North Jersey
    Posts
    1,861
    Blind man walks into a bar and says "I'm going to tell a dumb blonde joke. Will I offend anybody?"

    Voice behind him says, "look, mister. The bartender's a blonde female, the two women on either side of you are blondes, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm blonde, 6'2" with a black belt in Karate. Still want to tell that joke?"

    "Nah", says the blind man. "I don't want to have to tell it five times".

  5. #110
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Lawrence Twp., NJ
    Age
    73
    Posts
    14,950

    Talking Sunday school!

    I asked the children in my kindergarten Sunday School class,
    "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
    all my money to the church,
    would that get me into Heaven?"


    "NO!", the children all answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
    everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


    Again, the answer was, "NO!"

    "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
    children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"
    I asked them again.


    Again, they all answered, "NO!"

    "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


    A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


    Member # 383.

    2003 Marauder Black.

    Build 8/13/02

    Launched 9/28/02

    Sold May 16, 2018

    #3,646 of 7,839 black '03

    1995 Ford F-150. Mark III 2wd, reg. cab

    2011 F-150 Lariat crew cab 4X4 3.5 L twin turbo Ecoboost

    Fate rarely call upon us at a monent of our choosing.

    http://www.usdebtclock.org/index.html

  6. #111
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Edmonton, Alberta
    Posts
    3,074
    Yea, these are getting better!

    A good one-liner.

    Statistics show that 43% or elderly asian drivers in North America have Cataracts.

    The other 57% have Rincons.

    *rimshot*
    2003 Marauder 300eh - Stock

    Born: 12/03/2002
    Adopted 02/17/2003

    Trilogy #243

    AVIC D3
    SS Inserts.
    Metco Control arms and Watts link.
    QA1 8 way adjustable shocks and struts.
    Addco front and rear anti-roll bars.
    Wilwood front brakes.

    I can't drive 55. I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 75 ether.

  7. #112
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Hiram, Georgia
    Age
    61
    Posts
    17,780
    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
    * Tom Clancy

    "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
    * Steve Martin

    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
    * Woody Allen

    "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
    * Rodney Dangerfield

    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
    * Lynn Lavner

    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    * George Burns

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
    * Sharon Stone

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
    * Jack Nicholson

    Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
    * Barbara Bush, (former US First Lady) and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!

    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
    * Robin Williams

    "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
    * Roseanne

    Women need a reason to have sex! Men just need a place."
    * Billy Crystal

    "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
    * Dustin Hoffman

    "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
    * Rod Stewart

    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
    * Robin Williams

  8. #113
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Off-Shore America
    Posts
    10,219
    Way to go MartyO...13.7 in jokes too!

  9. #114
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Lawrence Twp., NJ
    Age
    73
    Posts
    14,950

    Lightbulb Work?

    Why hell is better than your job

    Your coffee stays hot all day

    The legal deptment is never far away (sorry Marty)

    There is no wondering if the boss hates you

    Riding to work in a hand basket beats public transportation.

    You can microwave popcorn without leaving you cube
    Member # 383.

    2003 Marauder Black.

    Build 8/13/02

    Launched 9/28/02

    Sold May 16, 2018

    #3,646 of 7,839 black '03

    1995 Ford F-150. Mark III 2wd, reg. cab

    2011 F-150 Lariat crew cab 4X4 3.5 L twin turbo Ecoboost

    Fate rarely call upon us at a monent of our choosing.

    http://www.usdebtclock.org/index.html

  10. #115
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Cape Cod
    Posts
    13,887
    A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?

    The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.

    Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

    One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

    "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

  11. #116
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Affordable Detroit
    Age
    67
    Posts
    3,580

    Advice

    Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

    Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

    Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own business."
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  12. #117
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Affordable Detroit
    Age
    67
    Posts
    3,580

    wedding presents

    A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.



    As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way."



    The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."



    He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ...an impressive work of art.



    The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.



    That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.



    She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."



    He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this,



    .....still in the CRATE!"
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  13. #118
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Affordable Detroit
    Age
    67
    Posts
    3,580
    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.


    And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

    I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed,
    Desperate


    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

    Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT reinstall another Boyfriend program. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

    Good Luck,

    Tech Support
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  14. #119
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Edmonton, Alberta
    Posts
    3,074
    Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 12.4 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources for other applications. He also noticed that Wife 1.0 is spawning Child-Processes, which further consume valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

    Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.2 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

    At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 1.1:

    A "Don't remind me again" button, Minimize button, An install shield feature that allows Wife 1.1 to be uninstalled at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources, An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

    I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.7. Even here, however, I found many problems:

    Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.7 on top of GirlFriend 1.5. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.5 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

    Apparently different versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Simultaneous use almost never works. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.5 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. All versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

    <<Bug Warning>>

    If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 deletes all MS Money files and performs an auto-uninstall. Reports have been filed regarding this feature, but at this time there is no known solution.

    After Wife 1.0 performs an uninstall, Mistress 1.1 may now refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

    <<<Bug Work-Arounds>>>

    To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 at a different location and never run any file transfer application such as Laplink 6.0.

    Mistress 1.1 should be considered shareware. Shareware applications have been known to carry viruses that may also infect you and the Wife 1.0. Care should be taken when using shareware.
    2003 Marauder 300eh - Stock

    Born: 12/03/2002
    Adopted 02/17/2003

    Trilogy #243

    AVIC D3
    SS Inserts.
    Metco Control arms and Watts link.
    QA1 8 way adjustable shocks and struts.
    Addco front and rear anti-roll bars.
    Wilwood front brakes.

    I can't drive 55. I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 75 ether.

  15. #120
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Affordable Detroit
    Age
    67
    Posts
    3,580

    sales

    A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have
    any sales experience?"

    The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

    Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

    The kid says, "One."

    The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

    The kid says, "$101,237.64."

    The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

    The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

    The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot so you might as well go fishing."
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

Page 8 of 174 FirstFirst 1234567891011121314151858108 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 2 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 2 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Turkey Day 1961 LeMans & 1965 Mustang
    By sailsmen in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-26-2004, 04:18 PM
  2. Powderpuff (Girls) Football! Cowboy Western Day!
    By woaface in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 11-19-2004, 10:27 AM
  3. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-22-2004, 04:54 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •