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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #121
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    Aug 2003
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    Drinking One Too Many

    How will you know when you've had one too many? Here's a handy guide. Print out and save in your wallet.

    Things that are difficult to say after you've had too much to drink:
    Proliferation, Innovative, Indubitably.

    Things that are VERY difficult to say after you've had too much to drink:
    Specificity, Passive-aggressive disorder, Loquacious Transubstantiate Things that are virtually impossible to say after you've had too much to drink: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  2. #122
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    last wish

    The flight from New York to Paris is caught in a severe storm that tosses the plane back and forth. A female passenger can't take it anymore. She is sure the plane is going to plunge into the ocean. She stands up in the aisle and announces, "I don't want to die but if I'm going to die, I want one last wish. I want someone, anyone, to finally make me feel like a woman. Is there anyone on this flight you can make me feel like a woman?"

    A handsome young man in the back stands up and walks toward her. "I can make you feel like a woman," he promises. She can't believe her luck; he is young, tall, and gorgeous. She can barely contain herself as he approaches and slowly begins unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

    She is fairly trembling as he removes his shirt and hands
    it to her as he whispers, "Here, iron this."
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  3. #123
    Join Date
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    Canada Declared a Hoax

    In a surprise statement today, the White House admitted that the nation of Canada is an elaborate hoax that was perpetrated on the American public in response to the Russian Revolution of 1917. The United States’ immediate neighbor to the north is actually Russia itself.

    According to newly declassified government documents, the “Canada Project” was originally a closely guarded secret known only to the American President and his immediate advisors. However, the hoax became to large to be managed by such a small group and, at the end of the Second World War, was handed over to Walt Disney, under the supervision of the newly created CIA.

    “The idea was to make it just like a real country, with its own newspaper and its own airplanes and everything,” explained White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, “Like Disney World is today, only without the attractions.”

    “All this has to be seen within the context of the Cold War,” Fleischer continued, “Woodrow Wilson felt that we couldn’t let the American people know that there were tens of millions of hostile communists just a stone’s throw away who were ready to invade at any minute. He acted in haste because he wanted to avoid panic. Ironically, the misrepresentation suited the Russians too, because it would provide them with the element of surprise if they ever launched an actual invasion. Neither side wanted to let the cat out of the bag.”

    “The trick,” said Fleischer, “was to create an imaginary culture that was somewhere in the middle between Britain and the United States, so that it wouldn’t be of any great interest on either side of the Atlantic. Disney suggested using Australia as a model and then taking away the marsupials, the coral reef, the beach and the Foster’s lager.” A letter from Disney to President Harry Truman was among the newly declassified documents.

    The ruse seemed about to unravel in the early 1970s after a series of incidents in which hikers on day trips from Seattle returned from across the border with alarming reports of encounters with native Russian speakers. The Nixon administration eventually had to take the daring step of adding French as a second Canadian national language. Although this approach provided a means for explaining away the presence of non-English speakers just over the border, it was a hazardous scheme and was almost blown wide open in 1976 when an Algerian terrorist tried to divert an Aeroflot airliner to Montreal. It also meant that the CIA had to keep close tabs on all French speaking US residents to make sure that none of the fourteen ventured too far North.

    The news came as a severe blow to a number of celebrities purporting to be of Canadian descent. Pop diva Alanis Morisette was reported to be “devastated and kind of hostile.” Peter Jennings was not returning calls. Neil Young said he was “Moving back to Alabama and getting out of the business.” At Ebay, the cost of Jim Carrey’s autograph plummeted and Margaret Trudeau’s wedding dress did not reach its reserve value of 18 inches of string and a stick of chewing gum.

    Yesterday afternoon, pony rides into Russia were already being offered to enthusiastic Oregonian schoolchildren. Meanwhile across America travel agencies were being hit with lawsuits from former visitors to “Canada.” A spokesman for Cook’s Travel said, “This is going to hit us big. Think how many Americans have traveled to Canada as tourists since 1917. There are probably hundreds of them.”
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  4. #124
    Join Date
    May 2003
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    Ivanna, I told you Moose and Squirrel vould be Troubles.

    Gig iz up. Come. Ve are going.
    2003 Marauder 300eh - Stock

    Born: 12/03/2002
    Adopted 02/17/2003

    Trilogy #243

    AVIC D3
    SS Inserts.
    Metco Control arms and Watts link.
    QA1 8 way adjustable shocks and struts.
    Addco front and rear anti-roll bars.
    Wilwood front brakes.

    I can't drive 55. I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 75 ether.

  5. #125
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    Isn't that supposed to be directed to Natasha? Very funny, tho'. One of my favorite programs.

    -A
    Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it - what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone. -- Carlos Castaneda

  6. #126
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Edmonton, Alberta
    Posts
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    Yes, Natasha I stand corrected, even though I am a figment of your imagination
    2003 Marauder 300eh - Stock

    Born: 12/03/2002
    Adopted 02/17/2003

    Trilogy #243

    AVIC D3
    SS Inserts.
    Metco Control arms and Watts link.
    QA1 8 way adjustable shocks and struts.
    Addco front and rear anti-roll bars.
    Wilwood front brakes.

    I can't drive 55. I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 75 ether.

  7. #127
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    St. Louis, MO
    Age
    39
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    2,724
    Todd e-mailed me this today. He needs his Marauder back guys...

    I borrowed my wife`s Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, three cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It`s stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro around with AUTHORITY. I was headed back from Starbucks with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma`am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip.

    I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. Ford Festiva - a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure. The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver`s eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders...

    Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust-probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust...maybe event cutouts! Damn his hot-rod soul!

    The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out.
    Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke.

    Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving,
    and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner.

    I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva... The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife`s car eased past him on the outside, my P165/55R13`s screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light.

    We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Geo superiority reigns! I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets...
    Last edited by LincMercLover; 10-09-2003 at 03:28 PM.

  8. #128
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    May 2003
    Location
    Edmonton, Alberta
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    Do not EVER do that again while I have a mouthful of coffee!

    Now I have to gggeeetttt aa new δτ▬α keyboard!







    2003 Marauder 300eh - Stock

    Born: 12/03/2002
    Adopted 02/17/2003

    Trilogy #243

    AVIC D3
    SS Inserts.
    Metco Control arms and Watts link.
    QA1 8 way adjustable shocks and struts.
    Addco front and rear anti-roll bars.
    Wilwood front brakes.

    I can't drive 55. I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 75 ether.

  9. #129
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Cape Cod
    Posts
    13,887

    How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

    7. Don't use any punctuation marks.

    8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

    11. Sing along at the opera.

    12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

    14. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

    15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard Becky".

    16. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won! 3rd time this week!!!!!!"

    17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!!".

    18. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".
    MOK


    |Administrator, MM.Net | International Director of Membership|


    --------------------------


    I don't brake for curves!


    The eyes may be the doorway to the soul,

    but the voice is the chariot to the heavens









  10. #130
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    756
    OMG MOK! You are evil...in an absoluty hillarious way!
    2003 Mercury Marauder
    2007 Mercury Mariner Premier 4WD V6
    2008 Mercury Sable Premier
    2002 Mercury Sable LS (Sold)
    1998 Ford Contour Sport (Sold)
    1997 Mercury Cougar XR7 (Scrapped)
    1997 Mercury Villager Nautica (Sold)
    2003 Mazda Protege5 (Sold)

  11. #131
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Cape Cod
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    13,887
    Originally posted by JamesHecker
    OMG MOK! You are evil...in an absoluty hillarious way!
    I bet after spending 3 long days in Hershey with MM.Net members, we come up with even more INSANITY!!
    MOK


    |Administrator, MM.Net | International Director of Membership|


    --------------------------


    I don't brake for curves!


    The eyes may be the doorway to the soul,

    but the voice is the chariot to the heavens









  12. #132
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Hiram, Georgia
    Age
    61
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    A man sitting at his local bar says, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

    What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating too", clinking glass with him. "What are you celebrating?"

    "Well, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

    "What a coincidence," said the woman. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child.

    And today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

    How did your chickens become fertile?" asked the women.

    "I switched *****," the farmer replied.

    "What a coincidence," she said.

  13. #133
    Long Live #3 Guest
    Originally posted by JGaignat
    You know when you've grown up when



    1. Your house plants are alive & you can't smoke any of them.
    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
    6. You watch the Weather Channel.
    7 . Your friends marry & divorce, rather than hook up & break up.
    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
    16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
    19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
    22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".
    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.


    Can anyone relate to these or add to them?
    I feel older already!

  14. #134
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
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    Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

    Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

    Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  15. #135
    Join Date
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    jigsaw

    A blonde calls her Boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help m. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

    He asks,"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these
    pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

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