Joke of the day [Archive] - Page 5 - MercuryMarauder.net Forums

Krytin

02-27-2006, 11:30 AM

Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus";
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

"As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth."

"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca
and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
In orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geost Station 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate, adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious, neurotic, whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
Have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of ******ING TEA??? Oh
no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many
Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
B*tch!

(Rebecca)
****** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ I really liked this one.

duhtroll

02-27-2006, 12:00 PM

:rofl: :laugh:

:nworthy: :nworthy: :nworthy:

Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus";
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

"As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth."

"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca
and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
In orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geost Station 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate, adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious, neurotic, whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
Have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of ******ING TEA??? Oh
no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many
Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
B*tch!

(Rebecca)
****** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ I really liked this one.

fastblackmerc

03-06-2006, 01:07 PM

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney.

The source was quoted to say, "All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the guts to do it."

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license.
Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually.

The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long. The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp"
comes at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believe it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year.

Other states are considering similar lawyer hunting stamps.

SergntMac

03-06-2006, 02:07 PM

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British
and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by
the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision."

BRITISH: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision."

IRISH: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

BRITISH: "This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course."

IRISH: "Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course."

BRITISH: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!"

IRISH: "We are a lighthouse...Your call."

sailsmen

03-06-2006, 05:22 PM

Boudreaux, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or
you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

Boudreaux thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150."

Boudreaux replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

duhtroll

03-09-2006, 04:48 PM

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly angry now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Haggis

03-13-2006, 09:25 AM

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging at 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

SergntMac

03-15-2006, 06:00 AM

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President pauses and replies: "These are not pigs; these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy and one for
Senator John Kerry."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says...

"Nice trade, sir."

Bluerauder

03-15-2006, 05:21 PM

Not exactly a joke ... but if this doesn't make you laugh, you need a check up. Don't know what this guy is doing to make these kids crack up. :rofl:

Enjoy >>>> http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=91252080792284 05100

Haggis

03-17-2006, 07:38 AM

Because I'm a man,
when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after
hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win, even if it
means destroying the door or window in the process.

Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't even know where to start.."
We will then drink a couple of beverages and curse at the machine as a form
of holy communion.

Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. Women never get as sick as we do, so for you,

this should not be a problem.

Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "paprika" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for
it. And, frankly, women have never mastered the art of channel surfing.

You're either going too slow or too fast.

Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is
always either sex, cars, sex, sports, or sex. I'll just have to make up
something else if you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
at the end of it, I didn't. And if you are feeling amorous afterwards,

then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to my buddies.

Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine too. Either pair of shoes is fine, really. With the belt or
without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now? Please?

Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Having a beer while I'm on

my brand new 200 HP riding mower for my 1/8 acre lot is tougher

than it looks. It takes a lot of concentration to avoid spilling any while

going around corners at 30 MPH.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men...

fastblackmerc

03-17-2006, 08:04 AM

This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.

READY?? Here we go!

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____& a hidi hi o silver_bullet_______

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ___ed sullivan____________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, _____on 66____________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed __to protectthe innocent_______."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____the lion sleeps____________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "__limbo___________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best ____chocolate__________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _____satchmo - louis amstrong

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ____timex___________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________, and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and _______________ ."

11. Some Americans Who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their____draft cards________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___beetle_________ & _____love bug__________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to __holly and others on the plane________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ____sputnix_______________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It w as called the _____hula hoop___________

Scroll Down for answers.

ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion sleeps tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless ."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Booper
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

Bluerauder

03-17-2006, 08:44 AM

This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.

READY?? Here we go!

You do realize that the answers were already printed on the question sheet. :rofl: You are not a teacher are you?? :dunno:

SergntMac

03-18-2006, 05:39 AM

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers. <B! R="">

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get
naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

</XBODY>

MM03MOK

03-18-2006, 06:36 AM

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

a few otheres......

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once to check makeup or hair. This still does not stop however the compulsary need to check in the rear view mirror when entering a vehicle.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend. More development is needed on this drug however, as the effects are very shortlived.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, thus allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials have showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Nissan Micra into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes. Without the drug, 99% failed this test.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

SergntMac

03-18-2006, 07:07 AM

Obviously, a long list of very illegal drugs. Better head up to Canada for your doses.

Haggis

03-22-2006, 04:08 AM

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and
says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
25 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

DefyantExWife

03-22-2006, 06:09 AM

:shake: not nice.

Dan

03-22-2006, 06:31 AM

I thought it was hilarious. I'll be telling this one. :lol:

BruteForce

03-22-2006, 11:58 AM

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't ****in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

Bluerauder

03-22-2006, 12:36 PM

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

"Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't ****in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

dwasson

03-22-2006, 03:28 PM

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, on my bill.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!"

Haggis

03-29-2006, 08:25 AM

MY HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

dwasson

03-29-2006, 09:07 PM

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, bends her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

BruteForce

04-03-2006, 11:57 PM

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2008141860329.gif

Black_Noise

04-04-2006, 01:22 AM

ok....
a guy and his date walk up to her door at the end of the night, leans up against the door and looks at her and asks
"so how about a *******?"
girl says "i can't, my parents are home"
guy says "come on.... well be quiet"
girl says "no my sisters home, she'll hear us"
guy looks at his date and says "i love you, please"
they girl looks at him for a minute, and says "i dont know, i dont wana get caught"

just then the door swings open and the girls sister says " Either you give him a *******, I give him a *******, or dad will give him a *******, as long as he takes his hand off the ****ing intercom button"

Black_Noise

04-04-2006, 01:31 AM

75 yr old guy goes into the doctor for a checkup and tells the doc,

"i feel great, and i got a 20 yr old wife, and i got her pregnent, what do you think abou that"
doc says "I knew a guy like u, he went hunting all the time, one day grabbed his cane instead of his gun, found a nice beaver building a dam, so aimed it, and went BANG BANG, beaver fell over dead, .....what do you think about that"
guy says "i think some body else fired a couple of shots into that beaver"
doc says "thats what im thinking too"

natedog1284

04-04-2006, 12:28 PM

grampaws

04-04-2006, 02:34 PM

Chuck was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Chuck, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Chuck. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Chuck took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Chuck said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Chuck. She said, "Here you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Leadfoot281

04-04-2006, 04:52 PM

Question. What does a tornado and an Iowa divorce have in common?

Answer. It's starts off with lots of sucking and blowing, then some dude looses his trailer.

:alone:

Leadfoot281

04-06-2006, 01:55 PM

A young blonde woman takes her baby to the doctor. She says "doc, I can't get my baby to stop crying. What can I do? I've tried everything, and nothing helps!"

The doctor asks to see the kid. After a brief inspection he says "Wow, there must be 10 pounds of ***** in your kids diaper!"

But Doc!, exclaims the blonde, the diaper package says "25 lb weight limit".

Bluerauder

04-06-2006, 02:20 PM

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers ... carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and large-sized bears all the way all along the top shelf. Quite the display!

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf".

tomd

04-07-2006, 11:46 AM

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

SergntMac

04-09-2006, 04:49 AM

THE CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I just love a happy ending, don't you?

MM03MOK

04-09-2006, 05:01 AM

ROFLMAO!! It's too early in the morning to be laughing this hard! :laugh: I'll even overlook the fact that she was drinking chardonnay.

duhtroll

04-13-2006, 01:24 PM

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat ****ing truck!"

BruteForce

04-13-2006, 01:36 PM

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat ****ing truck!"

LOL!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :D

duhtroll

04-14-2006, 11:30 AM

Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

duhtroll

04-18-2006, 11:52 AM

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

'Billy.'

'And what is your question, Billy?

'Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Steve'

'And what is your question, Steve?'

'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early, and third, what the f*** happened to Billy?'

Krytin

04-18-2006, 05:27 PM

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home. "

Now that's^^^funny!

Haggis

04-19-2006, 06:40 AM

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale,
"Lets both swim under the ship and
blow out of our air holes at the same time
and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough,
the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized that
the sailors had jumped overboard
and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they
were going to get away and told the female,

"Let's swim after them
and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the
female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

Look", she said,

"I went along with the blow job,
but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Dr Caleb

04-19-2006, 07:27 AM

{insert collective groan}

:)

merc

04-21-2006, 07:14 AM

Subject: Tide Detergent
Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about

how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction; all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

SergntMac

04-21-2006, 09:57 AM

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully d***** over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsight-ly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigor-
ously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week
before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

<SCRIPT> if ((parent != null) && (parent.ProcessCommand != null)) parent.ProcessCommand('bodyLoa ded', true); </SCRIPT>

natedog1284

04-21-2006, 12:43 PM

:lol: :rofl: I am DEFINATELY gonna have to use some of those!

BigGuyBigCar

04-21-2006, 05:09 PM

The one thing in common about all of your failed relationships...

is you.

It's a line you can try on your soon-to-be ex, but you better be able to duck!

duhtroll

04-30-2006, 07:16 AM

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Texas, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Dark_Knight7096

04-30-2006, 12:54 PM

http://ebaumsworld.com/videos/titanic-two-the-surface.html

Funny compilation of videos, makes a sequal to Titanic.

RoNiN77

05-02-2006, 09:20 PM

A seal walks into a club.

fastblackmerc

05-10-2006, 08:09 AM

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an *******!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, *******,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Paul T. Casey

05-11-2006, 04:27 AM

Calling the Information Services people at work right now. There's a whole bunch of diet coke in the keyboard. What a great idea.

SergntMac

05-13-2006, 06:56 AM

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
<SCRIPT> if ((parent != null) && (parent.ProcessCommand != null)) parent.ProcessCommand('bodyLoa ded', true); </SCRIPT>

BruteForce

05-13-2006, 07:53 AM

George Carlin's New Rules For 2006

Those are Bill Maher's 'New Rules' from "REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" (http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/) on HBO.

duhtroll

05-13-2006, 08:25 AM

Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Hotrauder

05-13-2006, 08:35 AM

George VS. Bill

More than the name is different. One thinks he is funny the other thinks he's smart. I ALWAYS like the funny one.....Dennis:beer:

duhtroll

05-13-2006, 11:04 AM

Yeah, but which is which?

George VS. Bill

More than the name is different. One thinks he is funny the other thinks he's smart. I ALWAYS like the funny one.....Dennis:beer:

gonzo50

05-13-2006, 06:15 PM

Subject: Revelation 3:20

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of
it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis
3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis
3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was
naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! "A
cheerful heart is good medicine"

(Prov. 17:22a) Now, pass it on!

Krytin

05-15-2006, 01:14 PM

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. ...
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident... " I just lost it."

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de minimus

05-15-2006, 06:27 PM

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

de minimus

05-15-2006, 06:28 PM

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The constable! asks, "Ma'am, is that...
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five"

fastblackmerc

05-19-2006, 08:04 AM

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

grampaws

05-21-2006, 08:26 AM

LADIES, PLEASE WATCH YOUR RETIRED HUSBANDS IF YOU TAKE THEM
SHOPPING WITH YOU. IT SEEMS SOME ARE REALLY UP TO MISCHIEF IN THE STORES.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

grampaws

05-21-2006, 08:27 AM

duhtroll

05-21-2006, 11:17 AM

Apparently Mr. Fenton also has Alzheimers - he did all of that twice. :)

fastblackmerc

05-23-2006, 09:01 AM

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him prepared for burial.
They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Shut up.

You know it's funny.

Come on admit it, you did chuckle when you read this!

Now send it on to someone else and make them smile :D

Hotrauder

05-23-2006, 05:08 PM

Jim, I think it is funny. I am old enough to have done the hokey pokey and to have considered inside the box. I hope they have the same problem with me at about the same age. Dennis:2thumbs:

de minimus

05-24-2006, 06:57 PM

>Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot
>when they collide.
>
>The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
>wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
>
>The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
>wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
>
>The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
>look like?
>
>The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
>eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does
>your wife look like?"
>The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Dark_Knight7096

05-27-2006, 11:02 AM

FBI Final Exam:

After all the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and
a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

de minimus

05-29-2006, 06:29 PM

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a canon ball, but I'm fine
now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My
hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and
one of them ***** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
some bird *****."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Bluerauder

05-30-2006, 07:07 AM

Come on admit it, you did chuckle when you read this! :D
Guilty as charged. :rofl:

fastblackmerc

05-30-2006, 07:44 AM

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep dodo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience!

BruteForce

06-01-2006, 11:46 AM

G-Rated

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/1/7/1/3/AssFamily.jpg

Hotrauder

06-01-2006, 06:33 PM

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his
attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy! , realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his
head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk
and that you'd be happy about it."
Dennis:beer:

dwasson

06-01-2006, 08:41 PM

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a Patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him,"Kevin! What are you doing?"
Kevin replied, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he
stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"

Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

That's great," replied the nurse,"I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the
hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing ???"
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Chicago".

fastblackmerc

06-03-2006, 03:54 AM

A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, "What kind of car ya got there sonny?"
The man replies, "It's a 2000 Corvette, the best sports car in the USA; it cost me over $50,000."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man. Why do they cost so much?" The man answers, "Because they can go 170 miles an hour!" The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and in a few seconds the speedo reads 120 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be catching up to him. Afraid it might be a cop, he slows down to 65 and suddenly whhhoooosshh! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than this Vette?" the man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhoooosshh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it sorta looked like the old man on the mo-ped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun a Vette?"
Then again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooosshh - Blam! It plows into the back of the Vette! The man jumps out. It IS the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are in a world of hurt. The guy runs up to the old man and cries, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?

04MRADR

06-05-2006, 06:21 PM

Hey Everybody! Did you hear about the 90 year old man who went to the doctor and told him he wanted a prescription for Viagra but wanted the pills cut in quarters? The doctor told the old man at your age Viagra ain't gonna help you any. And besides, why do you want the pills cut in quarters? You need to take the whole pill! To this the old man replied you don't understand Doc. I'm only looking for a little help so this way when a take a leak I'll stop peein' in my shoe!

04MRADR

06-05-2006, 06:24 PM

One morning an 85 year old man woke up and exclaimed to his wife he couldn't hear out of his left ear. So his wife takes him to the doctor and the doctor checks him out. The doc says to him, "No wonder you can't hear out of your left ear! You got a supository stuck in there!" To that the old man thinks a second and says, "Oh! Now I remember where I stuck my hearing aid!"

duhtroll

06-07-2006, 12:18 PM

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

Hotrauder

06-07-2006, 02:48 PM

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages...
>
> English
> I Love You
>
> Spanish
> Te Amo
>
> French
> Je T'aime
>
> German
> lch Liebe Dich
>
> Japanese
> Ai ****e Imasu
>
> Thai
> Phom rak khun
>
> Italian
> Ti amo
>
> Chinese
> Wo Ai Ni
>
> Swedish
> Jag Alskar
>
> Alabama
> Arkansas
> Oklahoma
> Texas
> North Carolina
> South Carolina
> Georgia
> Tennessee
> Missouri
> Mississippi
> Montana
> Louisiana
> Virginia
> West Virginia
> Kentucky
> Parts of Florida
>
> Nice Ass, Get in the truck

Dennis:beer:

04MRADR

06-12-2006, 05:05 PM

A guy dies and goes up to heaven and God is waiting for him. He tells him before he can get in he must pass a test. To this the man says, "Lord, I was the worst test taker in school. I'll never get into heaven!" With that God says he must spell a word to which the man replies, "Now I know for sure I won't get in since spelling was my worst subject." With that God advises the man to spell the word love and he'll walk through the pearly gates. The man proclaims "L O V E" and God congratulates him and lets him in, whereupon God's cell phone rings. He advises the man he must take care of something and asks him to guard the gates. A minute later the guy's wife shows up announcing his death grieved her so badly she had a massive heart attack and dropped dead. He advises her she must spell a word to get into heaven to which she says sure. The man thinks a minute and says "Spell Checkoslovakia!"

duhtroll

06-16-2006, 05:01 AM

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for mayor, "Your former secretary said publicly that you have a small *****... Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth really is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."

fastblackmerc

06-16-2006, 06:41 AM

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in barrels you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transport" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "************ " (Ship High In Transport), which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

Bluerauder

06-16-2006, 07:16 AM

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I had always thought it was a golf term.
And a computer term, too !! :rofl:

BruteForce

06-16-2006, 07:50 AM

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries...

Debunked as Internet myth (http://www.etymonline.com/baloney.php)

RoyLPita

06-19-2006, 12:45 PM

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...
Tutors, mentors, flash cards,
special learning centers.

In short, everything
they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
Zachary down and enrolled him
in the local Catholic school.
After the first day,
little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room
and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done,
he marched back to his room
without a word, and in no time,
he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time,day after day,
while the mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.
Finally,little Zachary brought
home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table,
went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation,
his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said,
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?

"WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
"Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy
nailed to the plus sign,I knew they weren't fooling around."

Bluerauder

06-22-2006, 09:11 AM

The Creation of West Virginia

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

" It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a
hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while
over here is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to
different countries."This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's West Virginia, the
most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets
and mountains. The people from West Virginia are going to be modest,
intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them
in Ohio, Kentucky, Virginia, Pennsylvania and Maryland.

Krytin

06-26-2006, 08:58 AM

A <U1:Pcowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at hispeacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in <U1:P<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = U1 /><U1:CITY>Hamburg</U1:CITY> , <U1:COUNTRY-REGION><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com /><st1:place w:st=West Texas</U1 /><st1:place w:st=<st1:City w:st=" /><st1:country-region w:st="on">Germany</U1:COUNTRY-REGION></st1:country-region> .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the <U1:COUNTRY-REGION><U1:P<st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">U.S. </U1:P</U1:COUNTRY-REGION></st1:country-region></st1:place>government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows............. Now give me back my dog."</B>
</B><FONT class=inlineimg title="Stick Out Tongue" face=" /><o:p></o:p>
<FONT size=3>
</U1:P

MERCMAN

06-28-2006, 11:18 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road? (New twist)

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must
first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes
after
the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is
help
him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:

Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants
to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from
his
mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live
his
life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know
if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either
against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of
the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it!
It
was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped
to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front
of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why
they
call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if
you
eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens
until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with
seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should
not
be
crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life
long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in
peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads,
but
will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform
is
much
more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ .... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

fastblackmerc

06-29-2006, 03:52 AM

HERE ARE THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington = and they tracked her calves to their stalls? But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment!

Mrsteamrope

06-29-2006, 07:30 AM

Men wonder why it takes women so long in the restrooms - here is why....

My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat.

Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.
That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Dr Caleb

06-29-2006, 08:00 AM

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest,President Bush said, "If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

duhtroll

06-30-2006, 10:18 AM

According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there.
"Please disrobe," he told her.
"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father.
Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem."

fastblackmerc

07-01-2006, 02:13 PM

Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, & Texan jokes...
You know you're in California when......

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia with crotchless chaps and you don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy in Starbucks at 8:30am, wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses, who looks like George Clooney, really IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2006".

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey! Is Pot Illegal????

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists ....

24. ... And, the Terminator is your governor.

Mrsteamrope

07-01-2006, 03:19 PM

Why DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

duhtroll

07-04-2006, 08:25 PM

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Oh, and about the toilet seat - last I checked women had opposable thumbs and could work a toilet seat. :P

I solved this problem once and for all. If it's ever mentioned that I have left the seat up, I just leave it down all the time and I never hear about it again.

WE don't need it down about 80% of the time. You gals use it that way, YOU put it down. Otherwise you can change the oil in our cars because you get to drive them occasionally.

And make me a sandwich while yer at it.

:P

(it's the JOKE thread . . .huh? Oh, right away, dear.)

Dr Caleb

07-05-2006, 08:19 AM

(it's the JOKE thread . . .huh? Oh, right away, dear.)

Speaking of which, I've been waiting a nearly a month, and I'm still giggling at this:

The man thinks a minute and says "Spell Checkoslovakia!"

Here's a hint why. There is supposed to be a 'Z' in there somewhere. Ohhhh, the irony!

03SILVERSTREAK

07-05-2006, 10:20 AM

1975: Long hair

2005: Longing for hair

1975: KEG

2005: EKG

1975: Acid rock

2005: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to California because it's cool

2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975: Seeds and stems

2005: Roughage

1975: Hoping for a BMW

2005: Hoping for a GM

1975: Going to a new, hip joint

2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones

2005: Kidney Stones

1975: Being called into the principal's office

2005: Calling the principal's office

1975: Screw the system

2005: Upgrade the system

1975: Disco

2005: Costco

1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975: Passing the drivers' test

2005: Passing the vision test

1975: Whatever

2005: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

Thanks Ralf...

duhtroll

07-05-2006, 03:39 PM

CDs were around earlier than that - 1985?

BruteForce

07-06-2006, 02:14 PM

Dave met Stacey in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Stacey invited Dave to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Stacey began tenderly stroking Dave's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Dave comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Stacey replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine"

BruteForce

07-06-2006, 02:14 PM

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car!"

BruteForce

07-07-2006, 03:59 PM

You mofos are a funny lot. :lol:

9431

9432

9433

Dr Caleb

07-07-2006, 06:27 PM

You mofos are a funny lot. :lol:

Happy to be of amusement :)

duhtroll

07-11-2006, 12:04 PM

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he bought her her own cell phone.

Two or three days after her telephone had been in service, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own phone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

BruteForce

07-15-2006, 10:07 AM

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

BruteForce

07-15-2006, 10:08 AM

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."

"Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious -- she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."

"Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

"That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"

BruteForce

07-15-2006, 10:08 AM

Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.

whoskal

07-15-2006, 11:56 AM

READ THIS OUT LOUD

THIS IS THIS CAT
THIS IS IS CAT
THIS IS HOW CAT
THIS IS TO CAT
THIS IS KEEP CAT
THIS IS AN CAT
THIS IS IDIOT CAT
THIS IS BUSY CAT
THIS IS FOR CAT
THIS IS FORTY CAT
THIS IS SECONDS CAT

NOW GO BACK AND READ THE THIRD WORD IN EACH LINE:D

whoskal

07-15-2006, 12:09 PM

A man walks

whoskal

07-15-2006, 12:18 PM

A man walks into a bar and see's a one foot tall man playing the piano so he goes up to the bartender

Man: Where in the heck did you get that guy playing the piano.

Bartender: I have a magic genie in a lamp.

Man: Really!!! Mind if I give it a try!

Bartender: Sure but you only get one wish.

So the man rubs the lamp and a genie appears and asks what his wish is... the man wishes for a million bucks...then BOOM all of a sudden a million ducks appear in the bar.......

Man: What the hell!!! this genie is hard of hearing or something.

Bartender: You're telling me! How do you think I ended up with a 12 inch pianist.

fastblackmerc

07-19-2006, 08:53 AM

HERE ARE THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they tracked her calves to their stalls? But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment!

fastblackmerc

07-19-2006, 09:10 AM

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Have a good day!!

SC Cheesehead

07-19-2006, 07:32 PM

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.

"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender.

As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool table grabs the cue ball and eats it.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.

"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball."

"Oh man!", says the guy. "Here's a $20 to cover the drinks and the damages, and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"

The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?"

"He isn't going to eat the cue-ball is he?", asked the bartender.

"No he's over that.", explained the guy.

Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up his ass, pulls the peanut out, and then eats the peanut.

"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom.

"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up his ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still disgusted by the act.

"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."

Guess that's why I own dachshunds instead of monkeys.:rolleyes:

SCCH

DefyantExWife

07-30-2006, 08:07 PM

This is a joke i just read on another forum, granted it should be told by a guy, but it's funny nonetheless:

What's the best part of a Bl*w J*b ?

The 15 minutes of silence.

Mike M

07-30-2006, 08:10 PM

This is a joke i just read on another forum, granted it should be told by a guy, but it's funny nonetheless:

What's the best part of a Bl*w J*b ?

The 15 minutes of silence.

15 MINUTES??? Way too long!

DefyantExWife

07-30-2006, 08:18 PM

i know, being nice right? :rolleyes: i told you it's definitely a "guy telling" joke. Whaddya think? 5 minutes ? :P definitely a man "wrote that."

DEFYANT

07-30-2006, 08:35 PM

I'm not even going to get in on this one.

:D

KillJoy

07-31-2006, 08:55 AM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
<SCRIPT></SCRIPT>------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>--------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
<SCRIPT></SCRIPT>How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------------------------------<SCRIPT></SCRIPT> <WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.<SCRIPT></SCRIPT>
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
<SCRIPT></SCRIPT>Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------<WBR>------------------------------<WBR>-------

Bluerauder

07-31-2006, 01:38 PM

:bump:

The Math on Woman

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/1/8/9/1/WomanMath.gif

If Men and Women were electronics

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/1/8/9/1/F1339ManMachine.gif

Haggis

08-08-2006, 07:06 AM

A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

SergntMac

08-08-2006, 07:17 AM

What to do with the "stupid question". Give it a snappy answer? You dog lovers should appreciate this...

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked "do you have a dog?"

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one, or, two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so, I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

One guy was laughing so hard I thought he would collapse as he staggered out the door behind me.

Mike

08-08-2006, 02:56 PM

Mac,

That was awesome!!!!!!!!!

fastblackmerc

08-08-2006, 06:48 PM

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches".

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellooooooooo . I've got Windoooooows!!!

fastblackmerc

08-08-2006, 06:49 PM

Get your mind out of the gutter......

fastblackmerc

08-09-2006, 03:14 AM

OLD......?

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up! and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the ti me I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

Motorhead350

08-11-2006, 12:25 AM

Mac you would say something like that! :D

fastblackmerc

08-13-2006, 03:18 PM

Eve's side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is
everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just
one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight. "You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?

Bluerauder

08-15-2006, 10:42 AM

How to treat a woman:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV !!!

Haggis

08-15-2006, 11:21 AM

How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV !!!
You forgot; "Get me another beer."

MAD-3R

08-15-2006, 02:53 PM

Found on anouther Site,

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

alarmguy

08-15-2006, 03:36 PM

Found on anouther Site,

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever.....

You mean found on post 1121 of this thread....ha ha ha. You and Mac must get your jokes from the same site!

fastblackmerc

08-16-2006, 07:24 AM

Remarkable Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.

TooManyFords

08-16-2006, 08:06 AM

Remarkable Obituary

Word.

http://john.frieltek.com/images/microsoft_word.jpg

fastblackmerc

08-16-2006, 08:25 AM

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought
about.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME cr@p, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you the take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out window?

fastblackmerc

08-16-2006, 08:34 AM

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!". " When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, ...because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, ..because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, .....because they just sprinkle water on you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?" "I think it means we're Pisscopailians.

BruteForce

08-18-2006, 12:08 PM

Latest office memo

BruteForce

08-19-2006, 08:02 AM

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

RUSTY

08-21-2006, 06:51 PM

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, sceaming obscenities at them all the way throughthe entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says,"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart....Nice children you've got there- are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?......Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the Greeter,"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

fastblackmerc

08-22-2006, 06:12 AM

A SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW READ:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business . and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians don't have a sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!!! God Bless America!

duhtroll

08-24-2006, 03:05 PM

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

MERCMAN

08-25-2006, 06:19 AM

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I'll give
you a
large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver
offered.

"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Ford--you live with it!
:baaa:

prchrman

08-29-2006, 06:49 AM

3 preachers discussing how they separate their pay from the church...1st preacher says he draws a circle on the floor and throws the offering in the air and all that lands in the circle is his and what lands outside is Gods...2nd preacher does the same but he keeps what is outside the circle and gives God what is inside...3rd preacher says he throws the offering up and what God catches he can keep but what hits the floor is his....

Paul T. Casey

08-29-2006, 05:01 PM

Very good Willie!

Purcy the cat escaped into the yard one day. He spys 2 red breasted birds sun-bathing near the tree. After pouncing and devouring them, he smiles and says, "I just love Baskin' Robins."

Lame, but I like it alot.

NHTHAWK

08-30-2006, 08:43 AM

......ah...reminds me of the old Rambler stuck in second gear song .......some here will remember.......

I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn!! beep beep...

MM03MOK

08-31-2006, 06:10 AM

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/showcase/files/4/6/7/Mechanic.jpg

"Being a mechanic is hard work, but it pays the bills and feeds the kids!"

DefyantExWife

08-31-2006, 07:38 AM

Living Will

While I was watching a game last weekend, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine , and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer . . .

Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

duhtroll

09-08-2006, 09:37 PM

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Donny Carlson

09-08-2006, 10:21 PM

fastblackmerc

09-13-2006, 06:26 PM

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbucks one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire .... "

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

duhtroll

09-13-2006, 06:46 PM

A man doing market research for the Vaseline company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around
at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.

Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it
for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

BruteForce

09-16-2006, 09:42 AM

An actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm was:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me of Ms. Therese Banyon during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true. And so, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only 'A'.

duhtroll

09-20-2006, 05:28 PM

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

SergntMac

09-25-2006, 12:36 PM

Upcoming 2008 Democratic Convention agenda!

6:00 p. m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:05 p. m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson
and Rev. Al Sharpton

6:30 p. m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.

6:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00 p. m. - Tribute theme to France.

7:10 p. m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:25 pm. - Tribute theme to Germany.

7:45 p. m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:25 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:30 p. m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00 p. m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female
couples)

9:30. p. m. - * Intermission *

10:00. p. m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim
Robbins

10:10 p. m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:20. p. m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:30 p. m. - Abortion demonstration by N. A. R. A. L.

10:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:50 p. m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00 p. m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes,
mixed and same sex). Rep. Barney Frank (D, Mass.), Sponsor

11:15 p. m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:30 p. m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.

11:59 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:00 p. m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.

Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
from the convention?

Dan

09-25-2006, 12:42 PM

Funny as hell, Sarge, but I bet it gets censored out.

duhtroll

09-25-2006, 01:24 PM

It would be funnier if you misspelled "Ted Kennedy proposes a toast" starting with the second one and getting worse each time.

And where is NAMBLA? Did they get dropped from the docket already?

Oh I see, they have their own DAY later on.

Upcoming 2008 Democratic Convention agenda!

6:00 p. m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:05 p. m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson
and Rev. Al Sharpton

6:30 p. m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.

6:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00 p. m. - Tribute theme to France.

7:10 p. m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:25 pm. - Tribute theme to Germany.

7:45 p. m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:25 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:30 p. m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00 p. m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female
couples)

9:30. p. m. - * Intermission *

10:00. p. m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim
Robbins

10:10 p. m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:20. p. m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:30 p. m. - Abortion demonstration by N. A. R. A. L.

10:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:50 p. m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00 p. m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes,
mixed and same sex). Rep. Barney Frank (D, Mass.), Sponsor

11:15 p. m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:30 p. m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.

11:59 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:00 p. m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.

Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
from the convention?

SergntMac

09-25-2006, 07:14 PM

Guys...It's a joke. Just a joke, K?

One of 1,154 contributions...One of 35,226 reads.

Post another joke, and maybe another after that, and soon, it will go away.

Just more history in the ever growing chronology of our beloved MM.net, and more dust under the MM.Net carpet...

teamrope

09-25-2006, 07:26 PM

Don't forget the dust bunnies under the sofa Mac. :)

VNMUS

09-26-2006, 09:24 PM

Hopefully I won't get in trouble for posting this one. I thought it was funny and had to share...

While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man
hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?" "I'm
listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta
be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened
to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear,
and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."

kj31067

09-27-2006, 03:53 AM

never heard that one before.....funny:lol:

Bradley G

09-27-2006, 03:56 AM

That dumb guy!
He sould have learned something, from the "camping" episode!

SID210SA

09-27-2006, 05:23 AM

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

VNMUS

09-27-2006, 08:48 AM

Can I hear a 'Hell Yeah!'?

RR|Suki

09-27-2006, 08:52 AM

Can I hear a 'Hell Yeah'?

Hell yeah!!!!!!

STLR FN

09-27-2006, 09:22 AM

How 'bout a Tim Allen grunt????

hitchhiker

09-27-2006, 10:22 AM

How 'bout a Tim Allen grunt????

Uhhh Uhhh Uhhh

Mo Power!

:D

SC Cheesehead

09-27-2006, 02:22 PM

My car has so much horse power that it's fun to drive. Also, I tend to have a heavy foot on the gas pedal. Idunno, maybe it's a "mid-life crisis" thing.
- Anyway......

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT
UNTIL...THE TROOPER LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.

SergntMac

09-29-2006, 07:07 AM

Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
****************************** **********************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
****************************** **********************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" he says,
"Getting a second opinion!"
****************************** **********************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.
</FON T>
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
****************************** **********************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Cobra25

09-29-2006, 07:25 AM

Now that's starting the day off right, Thanks!

STLR FN

09-29-2006, 07:31 AM

With the funk I'm in right now, that brought a smile to my face.

Bluerauder

09-29-2006, 07:36 AM

Marriage - Part I Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
****************************** **********************
Good ones ... in :D order I, IV, III, V, and II

kj31067

09-29-2006, 07:39 AM

good ones:D

SergntMac

09-29-2006, 07:58 AM

Meant to put it in "Joke of the Day", at least I used the storyboard...Oh well.

magindat

09-29-2006, 08:35 AM

Marriage Part VI

A husband and wife of 50 years were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a party put together by the family. The Husband, having been implored by the family, relucatantly stood up to fill their request for a toast.
He raised his glass as everyone waited eagerly for his words... He said, "To my wife of 50 years: If I'd have killed you the first day, I'd be a free man by now."

(True story.)

Haggis

09-29-2006, 08:38 AM

[U][B]Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[/SIZE][/FONT]

See what I have to put up with now.

What was that Honey!!!
Oh, nothing Dear.
I read that, you are in sooooo much trouble.
I'm sorry Dear.
Go get a switch!!!
Yes Dear, talk to you fellows later.

Bluerauder

09-29-2006, 08:40 AM

Marriage Part VII

A husband was reflecting on 25 years of marriage when he told his friends that "He didn't regret one day of it." Then he said, "That day was 16 August 1987 -- I think she was visiting her sister that day".

fastblackmerc

09-29-2006, 08:42 AM

Very funny!!

magindat

09-29-2006, 10:52 AM

See what you started, Mac?!

VNMUS

09-29-2006, 10:54 AM

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old ass.

VNMUS

09-29-2006, 02:27 PM

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
physician to seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him
an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The
poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He
jumped his self straight up; with a twinkle in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and
tablecloth flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate
love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I
tell you, an absolute feckin' nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you
mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, n o, no, doctor, the sex was fine
indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 50 years of
marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver
be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

duhtroll

10-01-2006, 09:46 AM

Police Comment Transcriptions

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."

SergntMac

10-02-2006, 08:05 AM

From a friend via e-mail, the topic if which was ...

"From the Classified Section"

$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500
mile dealer service (Expensive). It's been adult ridden, all
wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a
cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased
without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do
whatever the **** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
Call Steve. 800-555-8292

Bluerauder

10-02-2006, 09:06 AM

:laugh: :laugh:

Apparently "do
whatever the **** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
I wonder how many of us have learned this same thing the hard way?? :rofl:

Haggis

10-03-2006, 03:23 AM

:laugh: :laugh:

I wonder how many of us have learned this same thing the hard way?? :rofl:

I've learned it is not what I do, but what I don't do that gets me in trouble. :bop:

Krytin

10-06-2006, 11:01 AM

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold,
extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you
buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman
asked .

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
in
20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with
you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and
wine."

VNMUS

10-08-2006, 02:30 PM

That's one for the ladies I think...:shake:

Krytin

10-08-2006, 04:17 PM

And your point is?

duhtroll

10-14-2006, 11:00 PM

A calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy walked up to the
pharmacist looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide"

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman replied "I need it to poison my husband!"

The pharmacists eyes widened and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! that's against the law, I'll lose my
license, they will throw us both in jail, all kinds of bad things will happen, absolutely not! you CANNOT have cyanide!"

The woman reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the photo and said, "Well now that's different, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

Blackmobile

10-16-2006, 03:57 PM

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge "

SergntMac

10-23-2006, 01:16 PM

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I
have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do
you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun by mistake.

When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Mad4Macs

10-26-2006, 03:33 PM

I was drinking one night in Canada, when this baby seal walked into the club...

martyo

10-27-2006, 11:31 AM

When I read this, I feel all warm and fuzzy!

Todd:

The 9 of us have done a lot of soul searching and have come to the unanimous conclusion that your membership rights should be restored in full to the same level that they were at before this debacle began. Additionally, we have waived two years of your vendor dues to demonstrate the sincerity of apology.

Long live On the Rack!

Can I get an Amen brothers and sister?

MM.Net Administration

Amen!!

Amen!

Amen!

Amen!!!

DEFYANT

10-27-2006, 11:46 AM

http://www.svtperformance.com/forums/images/smilies/tired.gif

Enjoy your fuzzy feeling

Mikeenh

10-27-2006, 11:50 AM

Nice going Marty......this was being saved for April first http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rotlaugh.gif

TooManyFords

10-27-2006, 11:52 AM

AMEN Brothers and Sister!

O's Fan Rich

10-27-2006, 11:56 AM

Hmmmmm... me smells a stinker.

magindat

10-27-2006, 12:08 PM

Hmmmmm... me smells a stinker.

I can't locate the thread this came from....

Hmmm....

To good to be true? Prolly ain't.

Breadfan

10-27-2006, 12:20 PM

http://www.neuralimpulse.com/macros/1.jpg

http://www.neuralimpulse.com/macros/victimofconsp.jpg

junior

10-27-2006, 12:26 PM

That is the stuff champions are made of. :party: Did TAF accept and is on the rack back?

:pumpkin:

hitchhiker

10-27-2006, 12:27 PM

I hope this is for real.

:D

Marauderjack

10-27-2006, 02:12 PM

Attorney Humor!!!:cool: :shake:

Marauderjack;)

the_pack_rat

10-27-2006, 02:46 PM

...................

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=10 237&d=1161985556

SergntMac

10-27-2006, 03:05 PM

Hehehe...Thanks, Martin, I loved it. Parked it within the lines for ya...

Moved to "Joke of the Day", 'cause this is what it is.

Hotrauder

10-28-2006, 10:09 AM

Subject: FW: a Maine Blonde
>
>
>
>
> A Maine blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life
> by throwing herself into the water off of the Deer Isle bridge. She went up
> to the middle of the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when
> a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge crying.
> He took pity on her and said,
> "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and
> if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and
> bring you food everyday."
>
> Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink,
> "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."
>
> The blonde nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to
> lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat,
> along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her
> sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
>
> Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
> Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get free
> food and a trip to Europe . Meanwhile," she says coyly, "he's taking
> advantage of me, so to speak (wink, wink)."
>
> "He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Swans Island
> Ferry."

fastblackmerc

10-29-2006, 08:31 PM

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

fastblackmerc

10-31-2006, 01:21 PM

Q: How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. Sorry, that's a hardware problem!

VNMUS

11-03-2006, 12:27 AM

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

If anyone needs it explained- read it a second time.

Ken

11-03-2006, 09:22 AM

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win

supa_carrot

11-03-2006, 02:01 PM

SergntMac

11-08-2006, 03:15 PM

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One
who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray
he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls
out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
"how big is my behind?"I pray that this man will love me to no end, And
always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a *****.

VNMUS

11-08-2006, 08:17 PM

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry
her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go a long."
So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon
to a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he
got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two
and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a
jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a
knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on
the towel. She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an
Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as
we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After about fifty laps at remarkable pace she climbed back out and lay
down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible. Were
you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
She said, "No, I was a hooker in Oshkosh , Wisconsin , and I worked both
sides of Lake Winnebago."

VNMUS

11-08-2006, 08:37 PM

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters,
and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mothertold her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog."

fastblackmerc

11-15-2006, 09:29 AM

Aliens Are Coming To Abduct All The Good Looking And Sexy People.

You Will Be Safe, I'm Just Emailing To Say Goodby

duhtroll

11-15-2006, 09:55 AM

But they are not abducting those with proper spelling and capitalization . . .

:lol:

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Wonder what they are going to do with those good looking ones? Those anal probe stories have to come from somewhere.

Have a nice trip!

:P

Aliens Are Coming To Abduct All The Good Looking And Sexy People.

You Will Be Safe, I'm Just Emailing To Say Goodby

grampaws

11-15-2006, 12:42 PM

Aliens Are Coming To Abduct All The Good Looking And Sexy People.

You Will Be Safe, I'm Just Emailing To Say Goodby

Damn, I guess I'm not going!!
They didn't say the smart people??!!
J/K!!

VNMUS

11-17-2006, 09:06 PM

A Blonde's Year in Review.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are
you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." He
says. She looks down and says, "OH MY G__, I left the baby on the bus
again!"

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

VNMUS

11-19-2006, 09:40 AM

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday: Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

VNMUS

11-20-2006, 10:30 AM

The scene was a tiny village in a remote section of West Virginia . An old
mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked
for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer
slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy
machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

VNMUS

11-20-2006, 11:05 AM

1st. Commandment.

Marriages are made in heaven.

But, so again, are thunder and
lightning.

2nd. Commandment.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention

to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

3rd Commandment.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

4th. Commandment.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,

the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,

the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,

they both speak and the neighbours listen.

5th. Commandment.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,

you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.

6th. Commandment.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.

The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

(I couldn't decide which one either!)

7th. Commandment.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say.

After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

8th. Commandment.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,

understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

9th. Commandment.

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.

That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

10th. Commandment.

A man is incomplete until he is married.

After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw

in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much, fell into the well,

and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment

but then smiled, "It really works."

Black_Noise

11-21-2006, 12:21 AM

a chinaman goes to the currency counter and changes 1000 yen into american dollars, the next day he does the same, but its turns out to be less american money the second day,

he ask the teller "why yesterday more money than today for same amount of yen?"

to which the teller replys "fluctuations"

the chinaman starts to walk away and turn back to the teller and says " fluck u amerlicans too!"

unclebuck

11-22-2006, 02:13 AM

Hey Jefferson-Mo,
Did you have a Panther with green eyes in here once?
If you did, can you send it to me?
Thanks.

VNMUS

11-24-2006, 11:30 AM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharma cist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

VNMUS

11-26-2006, 08:31 PM

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the ! dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

VNMUS

11-26-2006, 08:46 PM

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you might
as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Gina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Mary Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be
an altar boy for at least four months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months' vacation and five good leads........"

Dr Caleb

12-21-2006, 07:27 AM

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go
to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b1tch
knows I'm smarter than her.

duhtroll

12-27-2006, 04:42 PM

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

VNMUS

01-04-2007, 07:06 PM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing
Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's,
and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which
is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

fastblackmerc

01-18-2007, 09:56 AM

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The
doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm in
such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the
fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's
still alive.

How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk,
that's why he's still a live ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure t here's more to it than
that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still akick'n."

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing
with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

fastblackmerc

01-19-2007, 11:31 AM

) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... The best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

teamrope

01-19-2007, 07:21 PM

A General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream of owning a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting.

The friend was in awe of the General's bird dog, "Sarge".

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog.

The General declined, saying that Sarge was the best bird dog he had
ever seen and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked .

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel.

After that, all the dog would do was sit on his a$$ and bark."

fastblackmerc

01-22-2007, 08:45 AM

An elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The cowboy replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex much anymore I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.

fastblackmerc

01-22-2007, 03:40 PM

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and
everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure
than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that
he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milkin g machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release
automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Have a nice day.....

fastblackmerc

01-23-2007, 08:56 AM

Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game.

"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the longest, but also, the fattest.

That night at dinner, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one".

duhtroll

01-23-2007, 09:01 AM

I think this story was debunked as myth, but it's funny nonetheless.

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull.

I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

fastblackmerc

01-23-2007, 09:08 AM

I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

In spanish of course.....

Bluerauder

01-24-2007, 07:16 PM

The Perfect Husband --

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A
cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy
it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2007 models. I saw one that I really
liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the
options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can
go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good
price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone
belongs to?"

fastblackmerc

01-26-2007, 11:34 AM

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower--Cooter, Pete and KC.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

VNMUS

02-13-2007, 06:59 PM

There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go ****** herself!"
<SCRIPT></SCRIPT>

VNMUS

02-13-2007, 07:09 PM

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but here is one.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

FreddieH

02-13-2007, 07:33 PM

If you havent seen these, check them out.
Good laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y

SC Cheesehead

02-15-2007, 09:59 AM

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple (who just happened to be from South Carolina) decided that was enough (no more room in the double wide). So the husband went into town to see the local doctor. He told the doctor that he and his wife didn't want no more young'ns. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would take care of the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. After hearing this, the redneck tells the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a lit cherry bomb in a empty beer can next to my ear is gonna help me. I don't want to go deaf, I just don't want no more kids!"

Frustrated, the couple drove down to Georgia to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to offer them his opinion, when he noticed the address on the man's chart. He then says to the couple, "I see you're from rural South Carolina." To which the redneck replies, "Yessir, I am."

The doctor thinks for a moment, and then says, "Here's what you need to do: Go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer can, and then hold the can up to your head and then count to 10."

Amazed at this confirming diagnosis, and figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the redneck goes home and decides to try it out.

He gets a cherry bomb, lights it, puts it in an empty beer can, holds the can up to his ear, and then begins to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he pauses, then places the beer can between his legs and resumes counting on the other hand....

:eek:

They tell me it works every time!

SCCH

Mike

02-20-2007, 08:30 PM

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and
notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl
of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If You ain't gonna eat that, mind if
I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

SC Cheesehead

02-21-2007, 07:25 AM

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was just sitting around chatting. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

VNMUS

02-25-2007, 12:25 PM

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

VNMUS

02-25-2007, 12:38 PM

When Bob forgot his wedding anniversary, his wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused and excited, the
wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought box back in
the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

VNMUS

02-25-2007, 12:45 PM

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.

" So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first
Blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office .

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . " He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All
Right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio
Says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses

SC Cheesehead

02-26-2007, 09:22 AM

'Good exercise for seniors' (or other “fitness-challenged” folks) . . .

just came across this exercise suggested <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><o:p></o:p>

<FONT face=I<font color=" /><o:p></o:p>

for seniors, to build muscle strength in the <o:p></o:p>
arms and shoulders.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
It seems so easy, I thought I'd pass it on to some <o:p></o:p>
of my friends and family.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The article suggested doing it <o:p></o:p>
three days a week.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, <o:p></o:p>
where you have plenty of room at each side. <o:p></o:p>
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, <o:p></o:p>
extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Try to reach a full minute, then relax. <o:p></o:p>
Each day, you'll find that you can hold <o:p></o:p>
this position for just a bit longer.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
After a couple of weeks, <o:p></o:p>
move up to 10-lb potato sacks.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Then 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a minute. (I'm at this level) !!<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks!<o:p></o:p>

VNMUS

02-27-2007, 08:40 PM

The new Supercenter near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

SC Cheesehead

02-28-2007, 10:41 AM

Ole is a farmer in Minnasoda. He’s in need of another milk cow, and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nort’dakoda (that would be ‘Minnesota’ and 'North Dakota' for you non-Midwesterners out there). He drives to Nort’dakoda, finds the farm, and takes a look at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole pauses, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat and pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after a brief negotiation with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnasoda, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches underneath, pulls a teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nort’dakoda, didn't yah?"

Ole is surprised, since he hadn't told Sven about his trip and replies,

Yah, dat's right, but how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nort’dakoda"

MERCMAN

03-01-2007, 08:58 AM

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He
became very depressed because he had loved
to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he
had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless
and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."