Joke of the day [Archive] - Page 4 - MercuryMarauder.net Forums

Bluerauder

07-03-2005, 04:40 PM

Maybe this belongs in the Garage .... maybe not ... :rolleyes:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here are a few of the 1000s of uses for WD-40:

~Protects silver from tarnishing
~Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
~Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
~Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
~Keeps flies off cows
~Restores and cleans chalkboards
~Removes lipstick stains
~Loosens stubborn zippers
~Untangles jewelry chains
~Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
~Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
~Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
~Removes tomato stains from clothing
~Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
~Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
~Keeps scissors working smoothly
~Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
~Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
~Lubricates gear shift and mower - deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
~Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
~Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
~Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
~Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpers
~Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
~Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
~Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling
~Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
~Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
~Removes splattered grease on stove
~Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
~Lubricates prosthetic limbs
~Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
~Removes all traces of duct tape
~I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain. ~Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers
~The favorite use in the state of New York
~ WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
~WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
~Keeps away chiggers on the kids
~Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
~WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
~Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
~If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)
~WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape smunges (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!
~Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
~Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!

teamrope

07-05-2005, 09:47 PM

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?""I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

cyclone03

07-06-2005, 08:28 AM

teamrope

07-06-2005, 05:52 PM

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

teamrope

07-07-2005, 08:46 PM

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."

teamrope

07-08-2005, 04:20 PM

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

teamrope

07-08-2005, 04:21 PM

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a Pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in also."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three days. After that you know where you can go..."

teamrope

07-11-2005, 07:25 AM

Having Fun with Telemarketers

-- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

-- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

-- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, as them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

-- This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

-- Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could possibly know you from.

-- Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

-- If the company calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

-- After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

-- Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

-- Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

-- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either, now you know how it feels!"

-- Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

-- Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

-- Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

-- Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

-- Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

-- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

-- Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

-- Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down

Black Terror

07-11-2005, 01:44 PM

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."

duhtroll

07-12-2005, 12:18 PM

A training session for investigation was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies were sent in to apprehend it.

Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes.

Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny.

Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear.

One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".

teamrope

07-13-2005, 10:46 PM

Actual Bumper Stickers
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog... Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW..

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Bobby Clobber

07-14-2005, 05:41 AM

Or how about my all time favourite " Rehab is for Quitters " :beer:

Bluerauder

07-14-2005, 07:08 AM

From a movie ......

" I have been married for 38 years and don't regret one day of it ........

As I recall, the day that I don't regret was August 14, 1946 .....

She was visiting her mother !!! "

:D

Leadfoot281

07-15-2005, 03:44 PM

A man decided to get his wife a new vehical for her birthday. She wanted a hot, exotic, sports car, while he wanted a truck.

The couple argued about it for months.

Finally the wife said "My birthday is almost here and I want something that goes 0-200 in four seconds!"

He got her a bathroom scale.

teamrope

07-15-2005, 04:25 PM

very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

teamrope

07-15-2005, 04:33 PM

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.

"Hello? Hello?"

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

SergntMac

07-16-2005, 06:23 AM

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!" The Yankee nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Yank and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Yankee and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream then a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that's what finished him off?"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

teamrope

07-17-2005, 09:29 AM

Chap - "You're Merlin aren't you?"

Merlin - "Why yes ..it's nice to be recognized!"

Chap - "Bit of a Wizard ..I hear?"

Merlin - "Well, yes .. I've been told I'm skilled."

Chap - "Do tricks and things ..don't ya. Magical stuff?"

Merlin - 'Magical ... yes, that's correct"

Chap - "Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right?"

Merlin - "Well, yes ..I suppose I could turn a King into a Frog!"

Chap - "Ever mucked up .. Ya know, made a mistake?"

Merlin - "Well, Yes ...hasn't everyone?"

Chap - "Can you reverse a curse?"

Merlin - "Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ....Why ?"

Chap - "I'm Cursed."

Merlin - "Really ... and how long have you been bewitched?"

Chap - "Years....."

Merlin - "Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?"

Chap - "Yeah .. can't forget them!"

Merlin - "What were they?"

Chap - "Something like ... "Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife..."

HwyCruiser

07-17-2005, 09:15 PM

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did" chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

duhtroll

07-17-2005, 10:06 PM

Men's phrases translated:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

teamrope

07-18-2005, 05:27 PM

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it..

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.

Bluerauder

07-18-2005, 05:51 PM

... there aint no ***** in chocolate......the young man says........THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU LADY!
I heard that one 40 years ago ... but it was a grocery store and she was looking for Broccolli. :rolleyes: Guess what ... there aint no ***** in broccolli, either !!! :rofl:

teamrope

07-19-2005, 04:12 PM

How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

teamrope

07-20-2005, 07:29 AM

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

teamrope

07-20-2005, 05:40 PM

1. At 6am you're waking up instead of going to bed.

2. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

3. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress-up.

4. The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

5. It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

6. Three Words: School Loan Payments.

7. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream car.

8. You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively.

9. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

10. Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

11. Dinner and a movie becomes the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.

12. "Your girlfriend's pregnant"-brings thoughts of tax breaks instead of coronaries.

13. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

14.The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

15.You get your news from sources other than ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

16. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams. (Just kidding!!!)

17. You empathize with the characters from 'Friends'.

18. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN.

19. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

20. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

21. When drinking, you say at least once, "I just don't have the tolerance I used to."

teamrope

07-21-2005, 04:59 PM

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

MarauderMarc

07-22-2005, 01:23 PM

Alright guys...been a while since a good "joke of the day"......

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds????????

THERES 20 OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

grampaws

07-22-2005, 01:26 PM

That is sick!! good play on words though!!

Micheal Who???

shakes_26

07-22-2005, 01:27 PM

Try this one...

Why is Divorce soo expensive?

Because ITS WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahaaaa

teamrope

07-22-2005, 04:44 PM

1. AQUADEXTROUS - Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT - To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS - The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

5. FRUST - The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. PEPPIER - The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

7. PHONESIA - The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

8. PUPKUS - The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

9.TELECRASTINATION - The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

teamrope

07-25-2005, 05:55 PM

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Answers below...

They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about #16!!! :eek:

the_pack_rat

07-25-2005, 09:36 PM

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which
the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men
use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married
men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

the_pack_rat

07-25-2005, 09:45 PM

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks ...

He wanted a new pickup truck ... she wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said ..... "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less & my birthday is coming up ... you could surprise me". For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

His services are pending at All Angels Funeral Home.

Bluerauder

07-26-2005, 04:55 PM

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. :rofl:

teamrope

07-26-2005, 07:19 PM

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

teamrope

07-28-2005, 05:42 PM

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

teamrope

08-01-2005, 10:52 PM

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

teamrope

08-01-2005, 10:54 PM

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
:puke: :D

SergntMac

08-07-2005, 10:29 AM

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes
>> >entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Whew!

SergntMac

08-14-2005, 05:04 AM

http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.u k/fun/files/pilot.htm

Rider90

08-14-2005, 07:23 AM

A small white man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 14 inch *****, testicles 1 lbs each, Turner Brown".

The small white man just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"

In a very weak voice the white man says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 14 inch *****, my testicles weigh 1 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The white man says, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

SergntMac

08-14-2005, 09:45 AM

http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=SRgtiFIRE

duhtroll

08-14-2005, 10:32 AM

What the hell .22 puts holes in things as described here??

Really, I wanna know.

-A

http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.u k/fun/files/pilot.htm

duhtroll

08-14-2005, 10:38 AM

Mac, after all the things you have posted, I am shocked you would say something like that.

This is *grilled* rice.

Or rice flambe. :)

http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=SRgtiFIRE

Paul T. Casey

08-15-2005, 06:32 PM

Leadfoot281

08-16-2005, 04:48 PM

A man had been a gynocologist for over 20 years, and was really getting tired of it. He wanted a new job and soon. He thought about it for weeks and decided to become an auto mechanic due to his interest in restoring his fathers old Mustang.

He enrolls in College and does well. At the end of the semester, his instructer tells the class; "For the final exam, you will be required to tear down an engine, reassemble it, and get it started. You will be given fifty points for correctly dismantling the engine and another fifty points for correctly reassembling the engine."

The instructor watches the old doctor carefully, and when he was finished, handed him his grade.

"150 points!" exclaims the Doctor, "but how?"

The instructor says; "I gave you fifty points for tearing down the motor, fifty points for assembling it, and another fifty points because you did it all through the tailpipe."

modular46

08-16-2005, 04:59 PM

Daschle = Dufus

Haven't heard that name in a while :nono:

King Fubar

08-19-2005, 11:15 AM

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

the_pack_rat

08-22-2005, 10:07 PM

A blonde breaks down & finds herself getting towed to a repair shop.

The shop manager personally waits on her & starts asking some basic questions(contact info & such). Finally he gets around to the question of :

"So what happened - why did you have to get towed in ?".

The blonde - "duh it's like broke, all kinds of thingies fell in the road ..... & it wont go anymore".

The mgr - Thinking oh brother this is gonna be fun :rolleyes: but here it goes .....

"How has the car been running ?".

"Have you noticed anything unusual ?".

"Any warning lights - unusual gage readings ?"

"Any strange noises or fluid leaks ?".

The blonde - ditzzily replies ... "huh ?".

The mgr - "Ok, let me ask you this ... how was the car acting since you left your house today ?".

The blonde - "I dunno, like ummm fine I guess, it's not even my car, it's my husbands, I never even drove it before until today ... damn POS Vette.

The mgr - chuckling ..... "I was out there when the flatbed dropped the car ..... that's not a Corvette, that's a 442 your driving".

The blonde - "well duh not THAT car, the OTHER car".

The mgr - "what other car ?".

The blonde - "the one I was racing & how this all started".

The mgr - "ohhhhhh I see you were racing ..... why don't you start from the begining ?"

The blonde - "Look can't you just hurry up & fix the car ?!??? ..... my husbands gonna be home tomorrow & I'd rather he NOT know I was driving his car ".

The mgr - "hey it's you're dime lady ... I'm only trying to save you time & money on the diagnosis".

The blonde - "FINE ... it's like this :

There I was minding my own business at a traffic light ... when this guy in a Vette pulls up along side me ... revving his motor & all that. I thought ... what the hell ... my husband does it all the time, why don't I ? ... I thought if it's a race he wants, it's a race he's gonna get. So after I revved the motor a few times ... I remembered my husband sometimes shifts the car himself, even tho it's an automatic, as it has one of those stick thingies between the seats. He always pulls it all the way back, then shifts it forward as we get going faster. Well like anywhoo ... I thought I'd try that myself.

The mgr - "ahhhhh ..... so you FORGET to up shift didnt you ?".

The blonde - "DUH NO !!!!!! ..... I shifted up thru THREE gears & hit FOURTH ".

The mgr - "FOURTH !!?!?!? ...... that 442 is a 3-speed automatic.

The blonde - "NOOOOOOO ...... this one has FOUR".

The mgr - mumbling what a doof under his breath ... "yea ok whatever ... lets just get back to what happened ".

The blonde - "well like I said I was shifting it myself ...... first I had it in "L" for lurch when the light changed ..... & I got a good jump on him.

The mgr - "ummmmm lurch ?!??!?!?!?!".

The blonde - "DUH yea lurch. I was winning too ... but then he started catching up ..... so then I put it into "S" for speed. He dropped back some ... but after awhile it seemed like the car was just making a lot of noise & not going any faster. But then I remembered like duh ... I forgot to put it into "D" for drag. Once I did that he dropped back again. But, just like before ... he started gaining on me again after a bit. By this time I had ...... had enough. So I put into the fourth gear ..... ya' know the "R" for race one ... as I figured there would be NO way he could possibly keep up then ... but oddly enough that's when my problems began & the car just broke for no apparent reason".

Motorhead350

08-22-2005, 10:23 PM

This is a true story my boss said to someone over the phone. He used to sell lincoln mecurys till he quit. One day someone came in asking to buy a Lincoln LS and their budget was $12,000. My boss was like I don't have an LS for you, but I got a Rolls Hardly. The guy was like what year 97? My boss was like no 96. What is it exactly? It rolls down the hill hardly makes it up the next one.

This is another true story from my boss. One guy was trying to talk him to lower the price of the car he wanted to buy over the phone by $3,000. HE was like sure just put $4,000 dollars in an envolope underneith the drivers seat of your trade in and I'll take off $3,000.

dwasson

08-23-2005, 05:16 PM

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,

"How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

Leadfoot281

08-25-2005, 04:43 PM

My last girlfriend had two tattoo's.

One tattoo was of fire and it was on her left leg. The other tattoo was of the Devil. It was on the her right leg. You should have seen it! When she crossed her legs, it really looked like Hell....:P

(carefull with this joke people, it's really old)

Krytin

08-31-2005, 04:37 AM

AAADD - Do you have it?

A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay the car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the

Den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

* The car isn't washed
* The bills aren't paid
* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
* The flowers don't have enough water
* the floor is soaked
* There is still only one check in my check book
* I can't find the remote
* I can't find my glasses
* I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
* The yard is flooded

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you?

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

teamrope

09-07-2005, 05:35 PM

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer. Then he remembered, "I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer," and at the last second he swerved to miss the lawyer.

But he heard a thump outside anyway. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

Two Hawks

09-07-2005, 08:37 PM

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult! However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," advised the pastor.

"We know," assented the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

teamrope

09-07-2005, 08:48 PM

"We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

Classic! :lol:

Two Hawks

09-07-2005, 09:16 PM

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffee pot clean.

- You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”

- You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”.

- You don’t sweat, you percolate.

- You buy ½ & ½ by the barrel.

- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes to long.

- When someone says, “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a “drip” is a complement.

- You don’t tan, you roast.

- You can’t even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

teamrope

09-14-2005, 05:49 PM

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out".

teamrope

09-14-2005, 05:50 PM

Mike and Bill were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered the lobby.

Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just before the thieves got to the pair, Bill turned to Mike and, passing him a $20 saying: "By the way Mike, here's that money I owe you."

teamrope

09-14-2005, 05:55 PM

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

Two Hawks

09-14-2005, 09:01 PM

An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

The owner offered the following solution, "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "its goddamned cold in here!"

Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said "Pretty f :censor: n' windy, too."

Two Hawks

09-14-2005, 09:37 PM

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny
For your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
Buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
A good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Coke at work in the Pepsi factory, will they fire you for
using Coke?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
Binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you
To smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are
you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
Both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
He just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
Call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

teamrope

09-15-2005, 08:09 PM

An application - was for employment.

A program - was a TV show.

A cursor - used profanity.

A keyboard - was a piano!

Memory - was something that you lost with age.

A CD - was a bank account!

And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage, Not something you did to a file!

If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!

Log on - was adding wood to a fire.

Hard drive - was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived.

Cut - you did with a pocket knife.

Paste - you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home.

And a virus was the flu!

Two Hawks

09-16-2005, 09:26 PM

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds & bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Bobby Clobber

09-17-2005, 05:51 AM

World's Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.

THE END :beer:

teamrope

09-18-2005, 07:13 PM

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.

A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.

Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.

The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

teamrope

09-18-2005, 07:15 PM

"A day without sunshine is like night"

"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."

"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

"Honk if you love peace and quiet."

"I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges."

"Remember half the people you know are below average."

"The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest.""

"Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool."

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."

Leadfoot281

09-18-2005, 08:09 PM

Why doesn't Iowa have a proffesional football team?

Then Minnesota would want one too.

(Hey Daunte Cullpepper, if you can read this, you stink!)

Two Hawks

09-18-2005, 08:34 PM

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

Two Hawks

09-18-2005, 09:08 PM

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
the shoplifter special?...)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought…????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what ?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

PhastPhil

09-18-2005, 10:52 PM

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

teamrope

09-19-2005, 07:29 PM

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cow steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

fastblackmerc

09-20-2005, 07:57 AM

Excuse the language, but the punch line is funny.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *******s'"

Two Hawks

09-20-2005, 11:11 PM

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

BRIDGE TRAVEL
by Ted Kennedy

And the Number One least likely book to be written.

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

teamrope

09-21-2005, 06:42 PM

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''

''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Two Hawks

09-22-2005, 07:09 AM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Jacob. My parrots
can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

SergntMac

09-22-2005, 10:20 AM

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential,
that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness", I wonder where we fit in?

4. People who want to share their religious or political views
with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip, and this is as true as never lick a steak knife.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter/waitress, is not
a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark, but a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. And my FINAL thought for the day...Men are like a fine wine. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out
of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Happy Motoring!

Leadfoot281

09-22-2005, 11:14 AM

#17. No matter which way you look, your a$$ is always behind you.

teamrope

09-22-2005, 05:36 PM

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Two Hawks

09-22-2005, 10:36 PM

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal.

I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.

He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.

I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

Dr Caleb

09-23-2005, 04:15 PM

Rules for hunting lawyers

Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney *ENDANGERED*
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty

teamrope

09-24-2005, 10:57 AM

Texas Vs. Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Two Hawks

09-24-2005, 02:05 PM

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She
was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin
she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a
little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from
the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you
touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Paul T. Casey

09-25-2005, 05:30 AM

Regarding Two Hawks deep thoughts on milking cows. The one I still ponder is Maple Syrup. What possessed a human being to think "If I take a gallon of that tree sap, cook it down until there's a cup left, it will taste pretty good." As a youngster, I like Maple Syrup. I also tried Maple sap. There is no similarity in the tastes.

teamrope

09-26-2005, 08:25 PM

Kid's Instructions on Life...
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."

"Never bug a pregnant mom."

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."

"Never do pranks at a police station."

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."

"Stay away from prunes."

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."

teamrope

09-27-2005, 07:01 AM

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to
her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

teamrope

09-27-2005, 06:37 PM

A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.

I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.

And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

teamrope

09-28-2005, 08:34 PM

Bubba Was Bragging To His Boss One Day. "you Know, I Know Everyone There Is To Know. Just Name Someone, Anyone, And I Know Them."

Tired Of His Boasting, His Boss Called His Bluff,

Ok, Bubba, How About Tom Cruise?" Sure, Yes, Tom And I Are Old Friends, And I Can Prove It."

So Bubba And His Boss Fly Out To Hollywood And Knock On Tom Cruise's Door,and Sure Enough, Tom Cruise Shouts, "bubba! Great To See You! You

And Your Friend Come Right In And Join Me For Lunch."

Although Impressed, Bubba's Boss Is Still Skeptical. After They Leave Cruise's House, He Tells Bubba That He Thinks Bubba's Knowing Cruise Was Just Lucky. No, No, Just Name Anyone Else," Bubba Says.

President Bush," His Boss Quickly Retorts. Yes," Bubba Says, "i Know Him, Let's Fly Out To Washington." And Off They Go. At The White House, Bush Spots Bubba On The Tour And Motions Him And His Boss Over, Saying, "bubba, What A Surprise. I Was Just On My Way To A Meeting, But You And Your Friend Come On In And Let's Have A Cup Of Coffee First And Catch Up."

Well, The Boss Is Very Shaken By Now, But Still Not Totally Convinced.

After They Leave The White House Grounds, He Expresses His Doubts To Bubba, Who Again Implores Him To Name Anyone Else. The Pope," His Boss Replies.

"sure!" Says Bubba. "i've Known The Pope A Long Time." So Off They Fly To Rome. Bubba And His Boss Are Assembled With The Masses In Vatican Square When Bubba Says, "this Will Never Work I Can't Catch The Pope's Eye Among All These People. Tell You What, I Know All The Guards So Let Me Just Go Upstairs And I'll Come Out On The Balcony With The Pope." And He Disappears Into The Crowd Headed Toward The Vatican.

Sure Enough, Half An Hour Later, Bubba Emerges With The Pope On The Balcony But By The Time Bubba Returns, He Finds That His Boss Has Had A Heart Attack And Is Surrounded By Paramedics. Working His Way To His

Boss' Side, Bubba Asks Him, What Happened?"

His Boss Looks Up And Says, "i Was Doing Fine Until You And The Pope Came Out On The Balcony And The Japanese Tourist Next To Me Asked,'who's That On The Balcony With Bubba??

teamrope

09-28-2005, 09:02 PM

Wisdom For Your Cubicle
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

David Morton

09-28-2005, 11:53 PM

Found this thread on a search and just had to add this one...

Question: Why is a womans "period" called Pre-Menstrual Syndrome?

Answer: Because Mad Cow Disease is already taken.

David Morton

09-29-2005, 12:45 AM

A young native-American boy went to the old wise man of his tribe and asked, "Ancient Warrior", how do you come up with the names for the little children?"

"Ancient Warrior" replied: "The Great Spirit tells me what to name them. When they brought your father to me, I had just returned from a battle with the Pawnee where we counted many coup. After the battle, I looked up and saw that the eagle had been watching the battle. That's why I named him "Eagle Soars High". And your mother; I had been with the hunting party earlier that day and we suprised a doe that was drinking from the brook, and the doe stumbled and fell across the stream so I named her "Doe Trips on the Brook"...

"Tell me, "Two Dogs F :censor: king". Why do you ask?"

duhtroll

09-29-2005, 06:11 AM

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.

The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Two Hawks

09-29-2005, 09:31 AM

Now, where can I find that duck??

duhtroll

09-29-2005, 10:48 AM

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

duhtroll

09-29-2005, 11:07 AM

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

cyclone03

09-29-2005, 03:31 PM

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

I'm going to go look up "pedagogical" myself in a minute,but I'm going to cut out the words from the newspaper when I resign.That would be just perfect I think.

Two Hawks

10-02-2005, 11:14 PM

A little old lady goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor,
I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't
bother me too much. They never smell and are always
silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't even
know it because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back
to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says,
"I don't know what in the world you gave me, but now
my gas...although still silent...stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up
your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Two Hawks

10-02-2005, 11:18 PM

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a
urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did
he say?".............................. .

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR."

Two Hawks

10-02-2005, 11:21 PM

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by
a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old
ladies laying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on
my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the sameNursing Home
with the same 6 old ladies layingnaked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went
inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your
front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they
are having a yard sale".

teamrope

10-03-2005, 07:14 PM

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

teamrope

10-03-2005, 07:16 PM

- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

- Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

- When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

- When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

- When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

- Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

- When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

- When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

- Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Two Hawks

10-04-2005, 11:40 PM

Jesus loves you
...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence
...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called
...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath
...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life
...but it broke off.

WANTED:
Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one,
...doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive
...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks
...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving?
...Then quit watching me.

If you can read this
...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because
...it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander
...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

Welcome to America
...now speak English

MERCMAN

10-05-2005, 06:37 AM

Dear Husband ,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your

favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag

was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Leadfoot281

10-05-2005, 10:50 AM

Question: Why do they teach Sex Ed. on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in Iowa Schools?

Answer: Because the car is needed for Drivers Ed. on Wednesday's and Thursdays.

MERCMAN

10-05-2005, 11:20 AM

shouldn't that be mule instead of car?? :shake:

Hotrauder

10-05-2005, 06:51 PM

Youngsters

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Good Luck. Dennis:beer:

teamrope

10-05-2005, 08:56 PM

Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

teamrope

10-06-2005, 07:59 PM

An Unlikely Vacation
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Two Hawks

10-07-2005, 10:23 AM

Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes by,
on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says,
"Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The Indian
raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks,
"You're an Indian, aren't you?"

He nods.

She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."

Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."

duhtroll

10-07-2005, 04:18 PM

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barb1tchyouate."

Two Hawks

10-07-2005, 09:07 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of b***hes who want
off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of
you sons of b***hes who are getting on, get your a$$es in the train...
cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank
you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

"For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the b***h in the kitchen...."

Dr Caleb

10-08-2005, 09:30 AM

One time an electrician came home drunk at four o'clock in the morning. "Wire you insulate?" his wife scolded.

"Watts it to you?" he snapped. "I'm ohm, ain't I?"
----------------

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Two Hawks

10-08-2005, 01:33 PM

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you:
The following day I stopped smoking.

8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you:
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read having sex can kill you:
This morning I stopped reading.

duhtroll

10-09-2005, 07:09 AM

A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover.

teamrope

10-10-2005, 11:43 AM

Captain Bravado
Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

teamrope

10-10-2005, 11:45 AM

Actual Caddy Quotes
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"

Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

BruteForce

10-10-2005, 12:07 PM

"Get me my brown pants!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Marauderman

10-10-2005, 05:32 PM

We always here "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!!! Please note....these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the tolet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday= sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help in solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girl friends are for.

1. A headache that last 17 months is a problem--See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think your fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how youwant it done. Not both. If you already know the best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like WIndows default settings. Peach , for example , is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....really.

1. Don't ask what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough cloths.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that..it's like camping.

dwasson

10-10-2005, 05:52 PM

1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want to see the genie.

teamrope

10-12-2005, 06:29 PM

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive."

teamrope

10-12-2005, 06:30 PM

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

BruteForce

10-13-2005, 10:02 AM

A little boy and a little girl, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices and squeals with laughter. "How'd you do that," she asked. Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." Can I try it," she asks? Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 10 feet, landing up against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her lying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims. Just what I thought... dual exhaust!

Krytin

10-14-2005, 08:23 AM

A Guy Goes To A Supermarket And Notices A Beautiful Blonde Wave At Him And Say's Hello.

He's Rather Taken Aback, Because He Can't Place Where He Knows Her From, So He Says, "do You Know Me?"

To Which She Replies, "i Think You're The Father Of One Of My Kids."

Now He Thinks Back To The Only Time He Has Ever Been Unfaithful To His Wife And Says, "my God, Are You The Stripper From My Bachelor Party That I Laid On The Pool Table With All My Buddies Watching, While Your Partner Whipped My Ass With Wet Celery And Then Stuck A Carrot Up My Butt?".

She Said; "no, I'm Your Son's Math Teacher."

duhtroll

10-14-2005, 08:50 AM

Sooo . . . she could be both of those??

Hotrauder

10-14-2005, 09:01 AM

grampaws

10-14-2005, 12:42 PM

Mother in law
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home,when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

grampaws

10-14-2005, 12:46 PM

>>EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the
right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

grampaws

10-14-2005, 12:53 PM

>A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
>many kinds of boobies are there?
>
>The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
>breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
>firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
>hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
>
>"Onions?"
>
>"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
>
>This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,"Mum, how
>many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
>
>The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
>through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
>mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
>but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
>
>"A Christmas tree?"
>
>"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

teamrope

10-14-2005, 04:44 PM

Go To School
A Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.

"Nobody in school likes me," he complained.

"The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."

"But, John, you have to go to school," said her mother sternly.

"You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you're 40 years old and YOU'RE THE PRINCIPAL."

teamrope

10-14-2005, 04:48 PM

The Vacuum Salesman...
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

teamrope

10-14-2005, 04:48 PM

Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

teamrope

10-16-2005, 09:57 AM

What A Legal System...

A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires".

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous.

He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires".

Here comes the best part...!!

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

BruteForce

10-16-2005, 10:13 AM

A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.

urban legend (http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp)

Hotrauder

10-16-2005, 07:38 PM

If only it were true. Good to see our legal system functioning normally.:rolleyes:

teamrope

10-17-2005, 04:52 PM

Teenagers are like Cats
Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

duhtroll

10-18-2005, 03:00 PM

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

teamrope

10-20-2005, 06:59 PM

The Veterinarian Exam
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but you wanted the ?Lab? work and the ?Cat Scan."

teamrope

10-20-2005, 07:01 PM

Parent Definitions
Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.

Defense: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.

Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

Feedback: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Owww: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms.

Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Store Room: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

fastblackmerc

10-21-2005, 04:43 AM

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "th http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg ere." <http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg> (Click on the web links)

teamrope

10-21-2005, 07:43 PM

A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

duhtroll

10-22-2005, 11:05 AM

Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Bradley G

10-24-2005, 07:46 AM

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family.
His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids
have dropped out of high school to hang around with
the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at
Microsoft and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be
hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have
your e-mail address so that we can get you in the
loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the
forms and advise you when to start and where to
report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has
neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the
manager replies, "You must understand that to a
company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly
expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers'
market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of
beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to
a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less
than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100%
profit. Repeating the process several times more that
day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that
night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato
business the next day. By the end of the week he is
getting up early everyday and working into the night.
He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the
second week he acquires a cart to transport several
boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up
he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two
sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him
with the tomato business, his wife is buying the
wholesale tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night
courses at the community college so she can keep books
for him. By the end of the second year he has a
dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen
previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of
the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a
warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato
farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of
homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter
reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the
adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to
send the final documents electronically. When the man
replies that he doesn't have time to mess with! A
computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance
man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No
computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be
today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years
ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making
$5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: Since you got this story
by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor
than a millionaire. An unemployed man is desperate to support his family.
His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids
have dropped out of high school to hang around with
the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at
Microsoft and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be
hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have
your e-mail address so that we can get you in the
loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the
forms and advise you when to start and where to
report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has
neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the
manager replies, "You must understand that to a
company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly
expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers'
market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of
beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to
a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less
than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100%
profit. Repeating the process several times more that
day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that
night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato
business the next day. By the end of the week he is
getting up early everyday and working into the night.
He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the
second week he acquires a cart to transport several
boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up
he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two
sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him
with the tomato business, his wife is buying the
wholesale tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night
courses at the community college so she can keep books
for him. By the end of the second year he has a
dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen
previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of
the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a
warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato
farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of
homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter
reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the
adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to
send the final documents electronically. When the man
replies that he doesn't have time to mess with! A
computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance
man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No
computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be
today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years
ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making
$5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: Since you got this story
by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor
than a millionaire.

Whats the morle of the story?

David Morton

10-24-2005, 10:20 AM

Hey girls, why does the gynecologist tell you to undress and then leave the room when he's just gonna come back in and look up in there anyways?
A woman came home and found her husband had left a note by the phone. It read...

The girl from Gyna Colleges called and said your Pabst Beer was fine. I didn't know you liked beer.

A 400 lb woman was being examined by her new gynecologist. When he finished he told her to dress and left the room but the door didn't shut all the way, and she heard him just outside snickering to the nurse, "That woman has the biggest hole I've ever seen."

She didn't like that. But when she got home she got curious to see what in the world had made him make such a comment. So she got a big mirror and put it on the floor in the bathroom, stripped and stood straddled over top of it, peering into it to see what he saw.

It was then her husband came home from the pool hall, having had a few beers, feeling jolly and as he walked past the bathroom he saw her standing there facing the door, naked.

He said, "What in the world are you doing?"

She quickly put her hands on her hips and did a few knee bends as she said, "I'm excersizing."

He took one look at the mirror on the floor and said...

"Well mind you don't step in that hole, you might break your neck!"

teamrope

10-24-2005, 06:46 PM

Visiting Grandma
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

CRUZTAKER

10-25-2005, 02:45 PM

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie
Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator
thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The
park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come
up with the $500.00."

BruteForce

10-25-2005, 03:51 PM

"You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
priceless! :D

teamrope

10-25-2005, 04:19 PM

Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and
says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter
says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
After drinking the coffee down in one gulp,
the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with
the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo
with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for upper management position.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

Pat

10-25-2005, 05:32 PM

A little old man was shuffling by the nursing home on his way to the store when he noticed six old women laying on the front lawn of the home- NAKED. He was shocked and after a moment became concerned and went inside and asked the Director if he knew there were six old ladies on his front lawn- NAKED.

The man replied, "oh yes" he said, "they are retired prostitutes and they are having a yard sale".

teamrope

10-27-2005, 08:59 PM

Interesting Defense
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

teamrope

10-27-2005, 09:02 PM

Liquor Warning

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your clothes.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-boyfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

Dan

10-28-2005, 06:25 AM

I don't know how many of you follow the environmental movement and their attempts to make any US soil legislated into Holy Land but if you are familiar with that then this joke will be funny to you....

Tree Hugger
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

teamrope

10-28-2005, 04:46 PM

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

johnfain

10-28-2005, 05:11 PM

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A doberman pinscher.

teamrope

10-30-2005, 02:18 PM

1- Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.

2- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

3- Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

4- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

5- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

6- An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

7- Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

8- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.

9- I am having an out of money experience.

10- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

11- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

12- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

jgc61sr2002

10-30-2005, 03:28 PM

teamrope

10-31-2005, 09:14 PM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

darknessMM

11-01-2005, 04:57 PM

A MAN IS WALKING DOWN THE BEACH AND HE SEES THIS LADY WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS. SHE IS SITTING THERE CRYING SO HE ASKS"MISS WHY R U CRYING AND SHE REPLIES THAT SHE HAS NEVER BEEN HUGGED SO GIVES HER A HUG. AS HE IS WALKING AWAY SHE IS STILL CRYING AND HE ASKS HER MISS WHY R U STILL CRYING SHE SAYS I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE KISSED SO HE GIVES A KISS. HE BEGINS TO WALK AWAY AGAIN AND SHE IS STILL CRYING HE SAYS, MISS YOU ARE STILL CRYING WHAT IS GOING ON. SHE REPLIES THAT SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE SCREWED, SO HE SAYS OH. THEN HE PICKS HER UP THROWS HER IN THE OCEAN AND SAYS NOW YOUR SCREWED.

teamrope

11-01-2005, 07:57 PM

A professor has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."

The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the professor steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.

The professor is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life teaching and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your lectures?in his taxi, they pray."

grampaws

11-02-2005, 10:55 AM

Subject: Marriage You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking
they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to
forgive
him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A

blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps
it on
the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the
end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

duhtroll

11-02-2005, 11:40 AM

Two renowned ladies' men were at an upscale dinner party on a secluded lake. Both had reputations for being. . . gifted.

Each had heard of the other and had spent much of dinner bragging about his conquests. After dinner, each man went his separate way with his date for some "private time."

As it happens, nature called both men at the same time to a bridge overlooking the water.

Neither man would lose this opportunity to brag, yet neither wanted to be so obvious as to look down to compare.

The first man, thinking quickly, says to the other, "Man, this water is cold!"

Not to be outdone, second replied, "Yeah. Deep, too!"

teamrope

11-02-2005, 08:16 PM

"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

duhtroll

11-03-2005, 03:48 PM

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

teamrope

11-04-2005, 08:12 PM

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

teamrope

11-04-2005, 08:13 PM

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

grampaws

11-06-2005, 03:10 PM

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose
walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your
stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here (you
don't see me picking up your poop do you) ???

fastblackmerc

11-19-2005, 08:33 AM

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen

Where does she work?

Ihop

TooManyFords

11-19-2005, 10:30 AM

Q: What do you call a chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?

A: Irene.

Q: What do you call two men with no arms and no legs above your window?

A: Curt & Rod

fastblackmerc

11-22-2005, 07:10 AM

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get
you there, it's the Bull**** and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

Marauderman

11-22-2005, 09:50 AM

Jim--your joke below had me LMAO---way to go my friend---:lol: :D

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get
you there, it's the Bull**** and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

cyclone03

11-22-2005, 10:14 AM

Jim--your joke below had me LMAO---way to go my friend---:lol: :D
The said thing is, it aint no joke.........

fastblackmerc

11-22-2005, 02:53 PM

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

fastblackmerc

11-22-2005, 03:09 PM

Five Secrets Of A Perfect Relationship:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

King Fubar

11-25-2005, 06:05 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Dan

11-27-2005, 06:35 AM

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

grampaws

11-28-2005, 03:14 PM

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
> >>
> >> "I can't tell you," the black man says.
> >>
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
> >>
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you
please tell me your name?"
> >>
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the blackman.
> >>
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
> >>
"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
> >>
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the blackman gets mad and says," I knew you would make fun of it".
> >>
The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!"

whoskal

11-28-2005, 07:50 PM

Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash yesterday .............................. ..............
.............................. .............................. .............................. .............................. ....
Turns out some D*ck cut her off

Dark_Knight7096

11-30-2005, 11:56 AM

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea!!"

Dr Caleb

12-05-2005, 02:57 PM

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Ottawa this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capital. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

duhtroll

12-12-2005, 04:35 PM

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for the new year:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the
Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

duhtroll

12-13-2005, 05:05 PM

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!

"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.

"After he died, I married his wife."

teamrope

12-13-2005, 08:55 PM

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

SergntMac

12-15-2005, 01:45 PM

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that he has not bought his daughter a Christmas gift yet, so he stops at a toy store.

Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are. The girl responds, "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie - $19.95;
Volleyball Barbie - $19.95;
Shopping Barbie - $19.95;
Surfer Barbie - $19.95;
Disco Barbie - $19.95; and
Divorced Barbie - $299.95"

Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?" Exasperated, the clerk responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's car;
Ken's house;
Ken's boat;
Ken's furniture;
Ken's jewelry;
Ken's money;
Ken's computer;
and
Ken's best friend."

Have a nice day...

Leadfoot281

12-15-2005, 09:34 PM

Q. Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

A. He only comes once a year, and that's down a chimney!

Ho Ho Ho!!!!!

(Did I just toe the line, or pole vault over it?):shake:

duhtroll

12-18-2005, 07:43 AM

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Rick-n-Miami

12-18-2005, 07:48 AM

This is great!

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

SergntMac

12-22-2005, 01:48 PM

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house, and found many things I had started, but had not finished.

So, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Eli's Cheesecake, half a stack of dry Saltines, and the last Dove bar.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. :)

duhtroll

12-22-2005, 04:19 PM

Puns and other stories

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A French family was visiting an American shopping mall for the first time. They agreed to meet at the exit at four o'clock in order to leave. When 4 o'clock came around, all were present except Francois. The others waited for him for a while and then sought help at the information counter. The attendant asked them where they were supposed to meet. When they explained their arrangements, the attendant told them there was not one but four entrances to the mall. After a short search, they found their remaining member.

The moral of the story? Don't put all of your Basques in one exit.

19. Last year a "best pun" contest was held, and entries were taken from all over the country. The judges chose the top ten puns to be read at an annual comedy festival. The idea was to have the crowd vote by applause to determine the winner. As they were read one by one, the crowd seemed disinterested, and there really wasn't much applause for the first few entries.

One judge exclaimed to the other, "Surely one of these jokes will be the one that gets an ovation."

But alas, no pun in ten did.

MM03MOK

12-22-2005, 05:22 PM

:wreath: :xtree:
http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=82 06&d=1135297193

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=82 07&d=1135297204

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=82 08&d=1135297325

the_pack_rat

01-05-2006, 05:46 PM

Subject: a boy and his date

>
>
> A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
> doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things
> were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
>
> "I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and
> I charge $20 for sex," she said.
>
> The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly
> paid her, and they did their thing.
>
> After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the
> window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
>
> "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi
> driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

the_pack_rat

01-05-2006, 05:49 PM

Subject: Polish Hunters

Two Polish hunters from Toledo hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to
hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Pollocks objected strongly. "Last year we shot six moose and
the pilot let us put them all on board. he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately,
even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down
a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanley asked Wally "Any idea where we
are?"

Wally replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year."

teamrope

01-05-2006, 07:08 PM

There were these two older gentlemen who had been friends their entire lives. And the one thing they had in common ... an almost fanatical love for .... was baseball. They both played in the little leagues, high school, and college. If they were a little better they may have had a chance at the major leagues ... but it wasn't to be.

One day they were both sitting on a bench in the park and Joe looks over at Ed and says, "I've been thinking, we're getting up there in age and I think that some sort of agreement should be made between us." Ed replied, "What sort of agreement are you thinking of?" Joe said, "The first one that passes has to find out if there's baseball after death and come back to tell the other one." Ed thought that was a great idea and both made the promise to the other.

Shortly after that took place Ed became seriously ill and it was apparent that he was on his death bed. Joe was there every day looking after his dear dear friend. One day upon arriving Joe noticed that Ed looked really bad and thought it was a good idea to remind his friend of their promise to each other. So Joe leaned over and whispered, "Ed ... Ed ... don't forget our promise to each other." Ed assured him that he would do as agreed upon and come back to let his friend know.

Well Ed passed and Joe was besides himself with grief. He had lost his life long friend and his fellow baseball fanatic. A few weeks later on a Friday, Joe was getting ready for bed when all of a sudden the room became chilled and Joe noticed a ghostly apparition forming. Joe's eyes widen and his heart beat wildly unable to contain the excitement at what must be the return of his friend.

Joe his voice shakey and excited at the same time asked, "Ed ... Ed is that you?" A eerie voice replied, "Yes Joe it's me ... it's Ed and I've come back as promised." Joe was just about in tears and said, "Ed .. oh god Ed it's good to hear you, so tell me ... tell me is there baseball after death?" Ed replied, "Well I have good news and bad news Joe. The good news is there is baseball after death, all the greats are there and the field ... oh Joe the field we play upon is beyond words...the grass is so rich and green....the dirt is so well groomed...chalk lines so straight, pure and white...the sky ... oh Joe the sky is so blue that it hurts your eyes to look at it."

By this time Joe is sobbing uncontrollably at finding out this news, but then asked, "What's the bad news Ed?" Ed chuckled and said, "You're pitching Saturday."

teamrope

01-05-2006, 07:18 PM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.........You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"

teamrope

01-05-2006, 07:20 PM

I'll get a world record for this..

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

Nice doggie.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Don't be so superstitious.

Rick-n-Miami

01-06-2006, 04:42 AM

A Father's Advice

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, an d tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

duhtroll

01-06-2006, 08:22 AM

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked. Bring food.

the_pack_rat

01-08-2006, 09:56 PM

Lena the Organist

> Lena, the church organist at Coon Ridge Lutheran Church was in her
> eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her
> sweetness and kindness to all.
>
> The pastor came to call on Lena one afternoon early in the spring, and she
> welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
> while she prepared a little tea.
>
> As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
> glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated,
> of all things, a condom. ??? Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his
> curiosity !.
> Surely Miss Lena had flipped or something .... When she returned with tea
> and cookies, they began to chat.
> The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
> strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no
> longer. "Miss Lena," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
> this ?" (pointing to the bowl)
> "Oh, yes," Lena replied, "isn't it wonderful ?. I was walking downtown last
> fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
> put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease, and you
> know .... I haven't had a cold all winter."
>
> (For those of you who couldn't get a flu shot this year, you might
> want give this a try!)
>
>

Two Hawks

01-09-2006, 12:58 AM

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, WY. He sits at the
counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly
at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He getrs nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

:puke:

Two Hawks

01-09-2006, 01:11 AM

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh downtown theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again. the cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the isle,

and in a moment returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly

to move the cowboy, but no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya' from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice,

and without moving a muscle,

Sam replied..."The balcony!!"

Two Hawks

01-09-2006, 02:07 AM

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert, near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry
at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were
you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, crumpled mess, about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About half
an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his
three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a p*n*s he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Hotrauder

01-09-2006, 06:26 PM

Dear IRS,>> Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in
>> taxes.
>> Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will
>> see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00
>> for a toilet seat.
>> I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers
>> (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
>> overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted
>> on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5"
>> Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00
>> each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your
>> convenience.)
>> It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
>> forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely,
>> A Satisfied
>> Taxpayer

Dennis:beer:

duhtroll

01-10-2006, 12:17 PM

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Bluerauder

01-10-2006, 02:37 PM

Intelligent Quotes

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Hey, I thought that Yogi Berra said this ..... and others ! :rolleyes:

hdirish50

01-11-2006, 01:18 PM

<TT>One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> himself, "It's certainly not a ship."<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>>>The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> she reached over and unzipped a<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>>>waterproofed pocket on the left! sleeve of her wetsuit, and<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> begorrah,"<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> said the man, ! "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> smoke can be!"<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied,<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> sleeve, unzips a pocket,<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> removes a flask and hands it to him.<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> played around?"<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> sobbed, "Sweet *****! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>
<TT>> in there<o:p></o:p></TT></PRE>

fastblackmerc

01-11-2006, 09:14 PM

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantasis the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit!
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Marauder2005

01-11-2006, 09:47 PM

SergntMac

01-13-2006, 02:09 PM

Subject: Will I Live To Be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age". A little concerned bout that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said...

"Then why do you give a **** if you live to be 80?"
_

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The Judge asked "What is it?"

The husband said "She stole a can of peas too."
_

AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in The Mall of American for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a drop-dead gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
_

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

teamrope

01-13-2006, 06:44 PM

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter
and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather
have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the
long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her
overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be
provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

BruteForce

01-13-2006, 06:45 PM

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I think I peed my pants.

dwasson

01-13-2006, 07:24 PM

A guy named Boudreaux who lived with his wife and buddies on Bayou Lafourche.

As the story went, Boudreaux met up with his buddies at a nearby watering hole after a hard day’s work.

Thibodeaux said, “Boudreaux, we got some bad news and good news to tell you!”

Boudreaux said, “Well, you might as well give me the bad news first…”

Thibodeaux: “Unfortunately, Boudreaux, we found your wife floating face down in Bayou Lafourche! I’m very sorry!”

Boudeaux, wailing: “Oh, how could that be? How could that be? After news like that, what could the GOOD NEWS possibly be?”

Thibodeaux: “The good news is that we found eleven blue crab on her, and we’re thinking about running her again tonight!”

teamrope

01-14-2006, 08:01 PM

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfecty loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna ***** when you hear the price."

teamrope

01-14-2006, 08:33 PM

Baptizing A Drunk:

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.The preacher turns around and
is almost overcome by, the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find *****?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found *****?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found *****."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found *****, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found *****."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again-but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk. "For the love of God, have you found *****?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in

teamrope

01-14-2006, 08:41 PM

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As
she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry
for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would *****
Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I
assumed you had stolen the car."

JamesHecker

01-15-2006, 01:06 AM

does this site censor the word ***** ?

JamesHecker

01-15-2006, 01:07 AM

What in the sam h**l is that about?

teamrope

01-15-2006, 11:44 AM

That's weird..... I posted the name J*$*$ and it came out ****. Normally when a Mod edits a post it will say so. :confused: :dunno:

BruteForce

01-15-2006, 12:14 PM

That's weird..... I posted the name J*$*$ and it came out ****. Normally when a Mod edits a post it will say so. :confused: :dunno:

Pretty sad state of affairs when someone's name is on the "bad words" list. :shake:

teamrope

01-15-2006, 08:44 PM

The drunk

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain

silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk replies; "Tits."

teamrope

01-15-2006, 08:56 PM

PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much"

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 CES-
They have the one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .the house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000 They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a
pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "I love you, too, Bye."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.....

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

dwasson

01-15-2006, 09:32 PM

Pretty sad state of affairs when someone's name is on the "bad words" list. :shake:

A lot of guys in Miami can't be on this site then.

teamrope

01-15-2006, 09:34 PM

A lot of guys in Miami can't be on this site then.

HEY SUES! :lol:

Haggis

01-17-2006, 07:42 AM

A wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead
and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3
days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up
the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically
devours them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair
of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I
gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have
good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots
that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . ."The young woman was very
grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door
she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

duhtroll

01-18-2006, 03:40 PM

An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream. The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife what she wants.

“I want a banana split,” she says. “Are you going to remember this, or should I write it down?”

“No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies.

“I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with whipped cream and sprinkles. You sure you’re going to remember all this?”

“Yeah yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the increasingly agitated husband.

“And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife.

The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns three hours later with a bag of bagels.

His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and exclaims, “So where the hell is my cream cheese?”

William B

01-22-2006, 04:14 PM

What di you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A stick

fastblackmerc

01-23-2006, 07:08 AM

My, how book reports have changed................

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One imaginative (smart ass) student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

the_pack_rat

01-24-2006, 03:28 PM

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish
firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and
both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to
take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for
your interest, but we´ve decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that ?. We both got
nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish,
I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the question that you missed."

Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other ?".

The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question
#5, ´I don´t know.´ You put down, ´Neither do I.´"

Hotrauder

01-24-2006, 04:22 PM

Subject: Health Care

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he
doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
could
easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly,

"Same illness, better health plan.

BruteForce

01-24-2006, 04:26 PM

Same illness, better health plan.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

mcb26

01-25-2006, 01:46 PM

You are a true Alamamaian if

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika, Oneonta, and Eufaula.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are
sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and
look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by
the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and
buggys.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a NASCAR or football schedule to plan their
wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait
all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended
Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to
your friends.

Finally:

19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper."

MERCMAN

01-25-2006, 02:27 PM

NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky b@stards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
About your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a$$ will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$
hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat,iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$
hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too d@mned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

Rider90

01-25-2006, 02:39 PM

That was great Mercman, I enjoyed reading that. Carlin rocks. So does Dane Cook :P

duhtroll

01-25-2006, 05:22 PM

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former s|ut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. b|tch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Cuddly and/or big boned ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

Mike Poore

01-27-2006, 03:18 PM

OK, the guy goes into the bedroom carying a sheep under his arm.:depress:

His wife screems, what the hell is that?:eek:

See? he said, I told you I was sleeping with a pig. :nono:

A pig? she shriked, you dumb bastage, that's a goddamn sheep.:argue:
I wasn't talking to you, he said. :laugh:

dwasson

01-28-2006, 07:33 PM

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

teamrope

01-28-2006, 07:46 PM

Bluerauder

01-30-2006, 02:05 PM

American Medical Association researchers have made a

remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may

benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know?

Leadfoot281

01-30-2006, 04:21 PM

Joe the bar tender was looking at one of his regulars and noticed that he looked absolutely terrible, so he asked him what the problem was.

"Joe, I drank so much last night, that when I got home, I blew chunks".

"That's OK", says the bartender. "As I recall, you were really pounding down those Long Island Ice teas, and Bacardi Cokes last night. I'm surprised you made it home before puking!"

"No!", say's the customer, "you don't understand!"

"What's so hard to understand about that?" says Joe "Anyone that drinks that much probably should puke!"

No, no, no! says the customer, chunks is my dog!

:down:

SergntMac

02-05-2006, 09:42 AM

This is cute...

http://videos.streetfire.net/Player.aspx?fileid=F08421A7-C207-4DD9-93DA-5695B11CB9C7&p=0

Bradley G

02-07-2006, 05:33 AM

One day in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says
> to Mike who is
> standing behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I
> guess I'd better see a
> doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
> money," Mike replies.
> "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
> Just give it a urine
> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
> and what to do about
> it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . .
> a lot cheaper than
> a doctor."
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
> takes it to Wal-Mart.
> He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up
> and asks for the
> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
> waits. Ten seconds
> later, the computer eje cts a printout:
>
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
> and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you
> for shopping @
> Wal-Mart."
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
> technology was, Joe
> began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He
> mixed some tap
> water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
> from his wife and
> daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>
> Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
> results. He deposits
> ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
> results. The
> computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> (Aisle 9)
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
> shampoo. (Aisle 7)
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
> reha b.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
> Get a lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
> elbow will never get
> better!
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!

fastblackmerc

02-07-2006, 02:00 PM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave..

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years..

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning an! d go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

jgc61sr2002

02-07-2006, 04:14 PM

jgc61sr2002

02-07-2006, 04:16 PM

Leadfoot281

02-12-2006, 09:30 PM

Sad news everyone. My favorite celebrity got busted today for drugs. Rosie O'Donnel was going through Chicago O'hare airport today when she got busted.

Apparently the airport screener looked up her dress and found over 30 lbs of crack.

fastblackmerc

02-13-2006, 10:14 AM

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you, your families and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York .

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens!
Let's get this to every USA computer!)

duhtroll

02-13-2006, 10:24 AM

I think the best part of this is the use of the word 'creeps.'

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you, your families and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York .

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens!
Let's get this to every USA computer!)

Bluerauder

02-14-2006, 08:01 AM

How to say "I Love You" in 25 Languages

...Happy Valentines Day! :lovies2:

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun

Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
West Virginia
Kentucky
and parts of Florida

"Nice A$$ , Get in the truck" :D

dwasson

02-20-2006, 04:10 PM

A woman wants to have surgery to have her vagina tightened and tucked for her husband as an anniversary gift. She tells the surgeon that NOBODY must know about the operation. It must be kept a secret! The surgeon agrees and after the operation he stops by to visit the patient. She is furious and yells, "I thought this operation was supposed to be a secret! THERE ARE THREE SETS OF FLOWERS ON MY DRESSER!"

"Take it easy" the Doctor says. The first set are from me and the second set are from the Anesthesiologist."

"Well, how about the third set?" She asks.

The Doctor goes over and looks at the card. "Ah! They are from the little kid in the burn ward thanking you for the new ears."

Marauderman

02-20-2006, 05:33 PM

1 BLAMESTORMING- Sitting around in a group, discussing why a
Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER- A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS- The process by which some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working
hard.
4. SALMON DAY- The experienceof spending the entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM- An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING- When someone yells or drops something loudly
in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO- The on-line, wired generation's answer to the
couch potato
8. SITCOMS- Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY- A person who seems to thrive on being stressed
out and whiny
10 . SWIPEOUT- An ATM or credit card that has been rendered
useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY- Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from
one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT- Entertainment and media spectacles that are
Annoying but you find youeself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo
and Ben wedding9or not) was a prime example- Michael Jackson, another.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE- The fine arets of whacking the crap
out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMININISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profondly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were.
15. 404- Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
Message "404 Not Fund", meaning that the requested site could not be
located.
16. GENERICA-Features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strips malls,
and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND-That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email
by mistake)
18. WOOFS- Well-Off Older Folks

19. CROP DUSTING-Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
Cube Farm

Marauderman

02-20-2006, 05:43 PM

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson . Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors , draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement. "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".

Now. close your eyes and repeat out loud five times." I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

Have a nice day --An Remember- There is always someone else with a job that is worse that yours!!

duhtroll

02-20-2006, 08:20 PM

The Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."