Joke of the day

[SC Cheesehead]

Ladies; just send all hate mail to SCCheesehead care of MM.net.:D

Yeah, I figure there'll be some sort of reprecussion from that... http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/images/smilies/slap.gif -------> http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/images/smilies/nutkick.gif-------> http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/images/smilies/_smack_.gif

[SGT_MERC]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[Spectragod]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a
need for a STC (Senior Texting Code)...

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[Haggis]

Ladies; just send all hate mail to SCCheesehead care of MM.net.:D

Yeah, I figure there'll be some sort of reprecussion from that... http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/images/smilies/slap.gif -------> http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/images/smilies/nutkick.gif-------> http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/images/smilies/_smack_.gif

Rex is lucky that Terry is not log on here to read that.

Terry: Rexxie poo
Rex: Yes, dear?
Terry: Is there something you want to tell me?
Rex: No, dear.
Terry: :bop:

[SC Cheesehead]

Rex is lucky that Terry is not log on here to read that.


Yup, only place I'm safe.... :D

[de minimus]

Year-to-date statistics on Airport pat-down screening by the TSA







Terrorist Plots Discovered 0



Transvestites 133



Hernias 1,485



Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172



Incontinence 6,418



Enlarged Prostates 8,249



Breast Implants 59,350



Natural Blondes 3

[BruteForce]

Year-to-date statistics on Airport pat-down screening by the TSA

:lol: x 100

[SC Cheesehead]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F--k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

[SC Cheesehead]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. i saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[SGT_MERC]

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Pat]

An older Catholic gentleman felt the need to go to confession. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned" said the man.

The Priest asked "what sin did you want to confess, my son".

The man said, "Father, I rented my attic to a Jewish man during WWII to hide him from the Gestapo".

The Priest replied "That doesn't sound like a sin, you have done the man a good turn and probably saved his life".

The penitent man said, "there's more, Father".

"Tell me my son", the priest asked.

"Father", the man replied, "I haven't told the man, who's in my attic, that the war's over".

[de minimus]

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake –– he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[SC Cheesehead]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as…“PINO MORE”

[Mike]

Just imagine...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
will have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have
received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!!!

[de minimus]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and
is certain he has a better education than any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop, licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye have to come to complete stop, that's the law - licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the ***** out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?

[fastblackmerc]

WARNING.....and or a SUGGESTION.... don't carry much cash in our wallets.....

Warning: Scam Against Older Men



Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[SGT_MERC]

That is just to funny.

[SGT_MERC]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of New York's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Broadway & Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Horsepower]

How about a little humor, post a joke here. Me first;

A man went to visit his grandparents and found his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.
:lol::lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

An old Texan reports:

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grand River this morning. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

[Fosters]

http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/apple/header.png
http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/apple/1.png
http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/apple/2.png
http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/apple/3.png
http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/apple/4.png
http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/apple/end.png

[fastblackmerc]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/HusbandDown.jpg

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?", asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful", replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

[SC Cheesehead]

^^^^^^ Jocularity! ^^^^^

[CBT]

ALABAMA

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"


Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."


Louisiana

A senior in Louisiana was overheard saying .. "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana . When asked why, he replied,
"He'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana
20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper
asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you
see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

[Mike]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no ro om for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first ro om .

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next ro om .

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a ro om full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," c om mented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[CBT]

^^^I don't get it^^^

[Haggis]

^^^I don't get it^^^

That's what she said.

[05crownsport]

Like a neutered dog... he don't get it.

[Mike]

That's what she said.

And he never will! :D

[Mike]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over & handed
the little girl a $5 ticket for a "safety violation."

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, & next year,
tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop & said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled & answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop & said:







'Next year tell Santa; the dick goes underneath the horse,
NOT on top'!!!

[CBT]

Da Bears. That's my joke.

[Mr. Man]

Da Bears. That's my joke.
And here all along we thought it was your DPB:D

[Mike]

And here all along we thought it was your DPB:D

DPB's are no joke :D

[CBT]

DPB's are no joke :D

Preach! :bows:

[Mr. Man]

DPB's are no joke :D
That's what Doomie told me and he knows everything:D

[secretservice]

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He manufactures landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

[Spectragod]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His ***** was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

[SC Cheesehead]

I was approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab.

Well, here is a picture of four labs and I think it is obvious which one is the Meth Lab.

I hope this helps.

[Fosters]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/best-randoms-43.jpg?w=500&h=500

[Mike]

That's what Doomie told me and he knows everything:D

Doom knows nothing but bling and bald tires :D

[PonyUP]

Doom knows nothing but bling and bald tires :D

And Ribs, the man can scarf down some Ribs. :)

[Mr. Man]

And Ribs, the man can scarf down some Ribs. :)
Not according to what I've witnessed.

[Spectragod]

The History of RacialProfiling



The day it all started was March 6th,1836.



On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

[PonyUP]

The History of RacialProfiling






The day it all started was March 6th,1836.






On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.



With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

My comment wasn't meant as a racial profiling. 2 years ago in Kentucky, we went to Pig City and that was all I was hearing about Doom is that he planned on eating the ribs until he could find no more room in his tummy. For the record, I'm willing to bet I could go rib for rib with him. Whattya say Doom, this year in Kentucky we plate em down. :beer:

[CBT]

My comment wasn't meant as a racial profiling. 2 years ago in Kentucky, we went to Pig City and that was all I was hearing about Doom is that he planned on eating the ribs until he could find no more room in his tummy. For the record, I'm willing to bet I could go rib for rib with him. Whattya say Doom, this year in Kentucky we plate em down. :beer:
Dibs on both your floormats.

[Spectragod]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and **** for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom:
toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a
towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping,
water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and
get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his
mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Spectragod]

Conversation in a Kentucky Bar

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ? "

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.

"The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[Spectragod]

Truths For Mature Humans



1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page loan report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud (or Bud Lite) than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants (and jeans!) never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, aka "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Fosters]

Muhammad the Pakistanicame over from Pakistan and he was only here a few monthswhen he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor,but none of them could help him.


Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,crap in de bucket, pee on de crap, and den put your head down over de bucketand breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'


Muhammad took the bucket, went into the other room,crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.


Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'


The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.

[Fosters]

THREE DOGS AT THE VET...

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said >> " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

[Mike]

The spoon:


A lesson on how consultants can make a
difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging
out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned
that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,
we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly,
'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon.'

[Mike]

And Ribs, the man can scarf down some Ribs. :)

That he can my friend, that he can :D

[SGT_MERC]

Bass Shop
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse,
her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me
the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

[Mike]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.


"Not yet," said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.


Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.


"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[PonyUP]

So I was driving around today, and I don't know, I guess I got a little distracted, and I bumped into the car in front of me.

Well a little dwarf got out of the car and just starting pasting me up one side and down the other.

I finally got out of the car and he says "I'M NOT HAPPY"

So I replied "Which one are you then?

He kicked me in the nards.

[Mike]

So I was driving around today, and I don't know, I guess I got a little distracted, and I bumped into the car in front of me.

Well a little dwarf got out of the car and just starting pasting me up one side and down the other.

I finally got out of the car and he says "I'M NOT HAPPY"

So I replied "Which one are you then?

He kicked me in the nards. :lol: :rofl:

[Mr. Man]

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

[CBT]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said

" I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons ?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons, I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath

so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it on my face from there. "

[Mike]

three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. 'that was my pager,' she said. "i have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

a few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.

When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

the older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said ..... "well, will you look at that ..... I'm getting a fax!!

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew...

Soon, people from all over the country were coming to Wisconsin to have portraits done .

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so's I got a place to wipe my brushes."

[fastblackmerc]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.*

[2,4shofast]

LMFAO ^^^ I cant stop laughing!

[Mike]

**_BOB & THE BLONDE_**:

**Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV**

**The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.*

**The blonde looked at Bob****and said,
Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said,
You know, I bet he'll jump."
he blonde replied,
Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.*

[SC Cheesehead]

^^^^^^ :rofl: ^^^^^^ Love it, Mike!!

[CBT]

I don't get it.

[Mr. Man]

I don't get it.
It's OK blondie:shake:

[SC Cheesehead]

I don't get it.

Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?

[Ken]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley, when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!, that was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous; why are you committing suicide?"

"Cause my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".





I don't know why the police think she may have been pushed.

[SC Cheesehead]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley, when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!, that was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous; why are you committing suicide?"

"Cause my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".


I don't know why the police think she may have been pushed.


Eeeeeeeewwwwwwww! :puke:

[Mr. Man]

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!":)

[PonyUP]

An old man goes to a bar. He recently lost his wife of 25 years and went to drown his sorrows. Hestrike up a conversation with a lovely looking young lady next to him, and eventually told of how he lost his wife.

Turns out the young lady was a prostitute, and she felt so bad for the old man, we'll call him Earl, that she invited Earl to her place for a freebie.

Upon entering the bedroom, she asked Earl if he had ever tried 69, Earl replied he never even heard of it.

So they toook off their clothes and got in position. The prostitute, we'll call her lulu, went to begin, when all of a sudden she farted in Earl's face.

Lulu, was extremely embarasses and vowed it would not happen again, so she went to begin, and again she blasted ass in Earl's kisser.

After doing it twice, Lulu decided to tell Earl, they would just have sex the old fashioned way. Earl replied

"Thank God, I couldn't take 67 more of those"

[SGT_MERC]

Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them
and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to
McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc

Send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the
lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Mr. Man]

Repost^^^^ You got 138 pages to wade through sonny;)

[fastblackmerc]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[fastblackmerc]

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note
of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle
Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


You are welcome. I knew you appreciate this reminder.

Thanks Phil!

[Bluerauder]

Understanding Engineers


Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[LeoVampire]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

23929

[slickster]

3 guys walk in a bar. one guy is CEO of budwiser the other guy is CEO of Sam Adams and the other CEO of cores. So the bartender says hi your CEO of Sam Adams i bet you want a Sam Adams that's right mr Adams says. then the bartender says hi your CEO of cores I bet you want a cores that's right mr cores says. then the bartender says hi your CEO of bud wiser I bet you want a bud. No says mr bud I'll have a coke. so the bartender says but your CEO of bud why you just want a coke. so mr bud says well if these guys ant drinking then nether am I

[Fosters]

3 guys walk in a bar one guy is CEO of budwiser the other guy is CEO of Sam Adams and the other CEO of cores. So the bartender says hi your CEO of Sam Adams i bet you want a Sam Adams that's right mr Adams says then the bartender says hi your CEO of cores I bet you want a cores that's right mr cores says then the bartender says hi your CEO of bud wiser I bet you want a bud. No says mr bud I'll have a coke so the bartender says but your CEO of bud why you just want a coke so mr bud says well if these guys ant drinking then nether am I

Good God, it hurt reading that.

[LeoVampire]

Paint Can


A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."


The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the
church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was
crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.


"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor
inquired.


"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to
abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied
sadly.


The pastor asked him what happened.


"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to
abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but
with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however,
was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the
Bible, or anything to keep our
Minds free of carnal thoughts.


But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have
panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with
her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.


"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our
church," stated the pastor.


"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Lowe's anymore, either."

[SC Cheesehead]

An elderly couple are attending church services.. About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Mike]

An elderly couple are attending church services.. About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

:lol: :lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife, having a beer, and he says, "I love you."




She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"




He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."

[CBT]

A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife, having a beer, and he says, "I love you."





She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"





He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."


Okay, that was actually funny :beer:

[MERCMAN]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West..

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.'

[CBT]

^^^lmao!!^^^

[SC Cheesehead]

Okay, that was actually funny :beer:

And for my next number...



Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under by bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there is somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[CBT]

And for my next number...



Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under by bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there is somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!


I don't get it.

[SC Cheesehead]

I don't get it.

When we get together at KY:

1. You buy me a beer.

2. I'll 'splain it to you.

3. You buy me another beer...

[PonyUP]

Casey likes strange men under his bed, thats why he didn't get it

[bugsyc]

Funny joke..There is a lot of truth to it..Throwing money at a problem won't work..common sense is usually the answer and humor helps us to see it..:coolman:

[SC Cheesehead]

Casey likes strange men under his bed, thats why he didn't get it

Never thought of that!

Well, I STILL want him to buy me those couple beers anyway...

[CBT]

Never thought of that!

Well, I STILL want him to buy me those couple beers anyway...

No problem, ol' buddy ol' pal. :beer:

[Fosters]

Top 10 Rejected Obama Mission Names
Apparently the White House tossed out a number of perfectly good names before arriving at "Operation Odyssey Dawn":

10.Operation Nine Months In The Senate Didn't Prepare Me For This

9. Operation Organizing for Libya

8. Operation Double Standard

7. Operation FINE! I'll Do Something

6. Operation Enduring Narcissism

5. Operation So That's What the Red Button Does

4. Operation France Backed Me Into A Corner

3. Operation Start Without Me

2. Operation Unlike Bush Wars This One Is Justified Because Hey Look A Squirrel

1. Operation Aimless Fury

[CBT]

Number 6, lol :lol:



Top 10 Rejected Obama Mission Names
Apparently the White House tossed out a number of perfectly good names before arriving at "Operation Odyssey Dawn":

10.Operation Nine Months In The Senate Didn't Prepare Me For This

9. Operation Organizing for Libya

8. Operation Double Standard

7. Operation FINE! I'll Do Something

6. Operation Enduring Narcissism

5. Operation So That's What the Red Button Does

4. Operation France Backed Me Into A Corner

3. Operation Start Without Me

2. Operation Unlike Bush Wars This One Is Justified Because Hey Look A Squirrel

1. Operation Aimless Fury

[LeoVampire]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be ***** can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been ***** and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be ***** once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been ***** could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not ***** and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Mike]

two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, " wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

[CBT]

Q: What do you get if you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Barack Obama.

Thanks, I'll be here until I'm in Kentucky!

[Mike]

Q: What do you get if you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Barack Obama.

Thanks, I'll be here until I'm in Kentucky!

^^I don't get it^^

[CBT]

^^I don't get it^^

....Hello!.... :D

[CBT]

A penguin was driving through Arizona desert when his car conked out. He had it towed to a mechanic who told him he'd check it out, but it will be about an hour. "That's okay," said the penguin "I'll walk around the town square for a while." About an hour later he gets a vanilla ice cream cone to munch on as he heads back over to the mechanic. As he walks in, eating his ice cream cone, the mechanic sees him and says "Yeah, it looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin says "Nah, it's just ice cream."

[Marauder Rick]

A penguin was driving through Arizona desert when his car conked out. He had it towed to a mechanic who told him he'd check it out, but it will be about an hour. "That's okay," said the penguin "I'll walk around the town square for a while." About an hour later he gets a vanilla ice cream cone to munch on as he heads back over to the mechanic. As he walks in, eating his ice cream cone, the mechanic sees him and says "Yeah, it looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin says "Nah, it's just ice cream."
Did not think that was gonna end that way.:lol::rofl:

[SC Cheesehead]

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”

[05crownsport]

It beats blowing chunks! Chunks is my dog!:lol:

[Fosters]

Obama's approval ratings are so low now that the Kenyans are accusing Obama of being born in the United States now.

[massacre]

Obama's approval ratings are so low now that the Kenyans are accusing Obama of being born in the United States now.

Dude you suck, I think I ripped a staple!

LMMFAO!

[PonyUP]

Little Tommy went to Kindergarten one day wearing a Chicago Cubs hat. His teacher asked him
"Tommy, why are you a Cubs fan?"
Tommy replied
"Because my parents are Cubs fans"
So the teacher replied back "Well thats not good, what would you do if your parents were drug dealers and hookers?"

Tommy, with a serious look on his face replied

"Well, then I would be a White Sox fan"

Baseball is here folks

[Mr. Man]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde break out of prison.


They hide in a barn from the police and get into some sacks.

The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it. She goes “meow”!


They go on to feel the sack with the redhead in it, she goes “woof!”


Finally they feel the sack with the blonde in it. The blonde shouts, “Potatoes!” :lol:

[05crownsport]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde break out of prison.


They hide in a barn from the police and get into some sacks.

The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it. She goes “meow”!


They go on to feel the sack with the redhead in it, she goes “woof!”


Finally they feel the sack with the blonde in it. The blonde shouts, “Potatoes!” :lol:

I da ho? I presume?

[Lignum]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?



Tyrana-sore-ass.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?


Fur traders.

[Fosters]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[CBT]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?



Tyrana-sore-ass.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?


Fur traders.
I thought it was Megasoreass.

[knine]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
...with his canine contemplating if there really is a dog.

[Fosters]

I thought it was Megasoreass.

Yup... And the lesbian dinosaurs were called lickalotapus

[Mr. Man]

Flea A and Flea B live in Minnesota but have vacationed in Florida every Winter for years. This year A arrives after B to find B shivering like mad. A says to B "Why are you shivering? It's like 100* outside". B says "Well I rode down here in the beard of a biker and I'm freezing". A says "Do like me, I go to a bar at the airport and have a few drinks and then crawl up some stewardess' leg and nestle in her privates til I get down here, toasty warm the whole way". So the next year A arrives to find B shivering again and asks why he didn't take A's advice from the year before. B says "I did. I went to the airport bar, had a few drinks and crawled up a stewardess' leg and passed out. Next thing I know I wake up and I'm in some biker guy's beard heading to Florida.:D

[PonyUP]

Flea A and Flea B live in Minnesota but have vacationed in Florida every Winter for years. This year A arrives after B to find B shivering like mad. A says to B "Why are you shivering? It's like 100* outside". B says "Well I rode down here in the beard of a biker and I'm freezing". A says "Do like me, I go to a bar at the airport and have a few drinks and then crawl up some stewardess' leg and nestle in her privates til I get down here, toasty warm the whole way". So the next year A arrives to find B shivering again and asks why he didn't take A's advice from the year before. B says "I did. I went to the airport bar, had a few drinks and crawled up a stewardess' leg and passed out. Next thing I know I wake up and I'm in some biker guy's beard heading to Florida.:D


:lol: thats a good one

[SC Cheesehead]

Walking into the bar, Ole says to his buddy, Sven, the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had anudder fight wit da little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Sven, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Ole replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'No kiddin,' said Sven, 'Now dat's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under da bed, ya little chicken.'

[Fosters]

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ldxglgFknk1qc4debo1_500 .jpg

[Haggis]

Ibtl.......

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole had a car accident, got hit by a truck, and ended up suing the truck driver's company.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer?

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole continued, "Vell, like was sayin', I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting real bad, ya know, and didn't vant to move, but, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. He took one look at her, den he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in his hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling'?"

"Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"

[CBT]

Ole had a car accident, got hit by a truck, and ended up suing the truck driver's company.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer?

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole continued, "Vell, like was sayin', I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting real bad, ya know, and didn't vant to move, but, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. He took one look at her, den he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in his hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling'?"

"Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"

Well? Did he win?

[SC Cheesehead]

Well? Did he win?

:lol:

Kinda thought of Ray when I first read it. I could easily put him into a couple of the roles... ;)

[Haggis]

:lol:

Kinda thought of Ray when I first read it. I could easily put him into a couple of the roles... ;)

Ray is the policeman, Casey is Ole and Phil is the mule, right?

[SC Cheesehead]

Ray is the policeman, Casey is Ole and Phil is the mule, right?


Nailed it! :D

[SC Cheesehead]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanics straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[CBT]

I don't get it.

[guspech750]

I don't get it.

Shocking. :)


Sent from my iPhone
Go White Sox!!!

[CBT]

Was it the doctors motorcycle? :confused:

[SC Cheesehead]

I don't get it.


Shocking. :)


Sent from my iPhone
Go White Sox!!!


Was it the doctors motorcycle? :confused:

Joe, you REALLY need to swap cars with him, as slow as he is, he oughta be driving..... oh, just never mind!

[guspech750]

Joe, you REALLY need to swap cars with him, as slow as he is, he oughta be driving..... oh, just never mind!



Just get him a Segway.
He doesn't deserve a MM.
He's all Duh losing.
Sent from my iPhone
Go White Sox!!!

[SC Cheesehead]

Just get him a Segway.
He doesn't deserve a MM.
He's all Duh losing.
Sent from my iPhone
Go White Sox!!!

Meh, I was thinking more along the lines of

http://www.google.com/images?q=tbn:bHEJbeg4kU8daM::t oyreport.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/scooter2005.jpg&t=1&h=196&w=190&usg=__GJGAbeB5zez3HZzk43OZOkSH f5A= (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://toyreport.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/scooter2005.jpg&imgrefurl=http://toyreport.org/family-life/best-kids-scooter/&h=640&w=621&sz=58&tbnid=bHEJbeg4kU8daM:&tbnh=228&tbnw=221&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dkid's%2Bscooter%2 Bphotos%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=kid's+scooter+photos&hl=en&usg=__KLU5NgqHq4m3rGqwp0UvunDS Ze0=&sa=X&ei=6OO-TYevC8qhtwew-N2cDA&ved=0CCIQ9QEwAA)

[Bigdogjim]

http://65.55.237.103/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=8ea0d 7a9-78bc-11e0-836d-001e0bcbd4c8&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid:X.MA1.1304732061@ao l.com&hm__login=wire_k_paladin&hm__domain=msn.com&ip=10.15.140.8&d=d3910&mf=160&hm__ts=Sat, 07 May 2011 17:57:00 GMT&st=wire_k_paladin@2&hm__ha=01_7c46bad3422d0cdca7eb 2a19665baa04b8215e27be87fc0a26 3572aa20819905&oneredir=1

[Mr. Man]

http://65.55.237.103/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=8ea0d 7a9-78bc-11e0-836d-001e0bcbd4c8&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid:X.MA1.1304732061@ao l.com&hm__login=wire_k_paladin&hm__domain=msn.com&ip=10.15.140.8&d=d3910&mf=160&hm__ts=Sat, 07 May 2011 17:57:00 GMT&st=wire_k_paladin@2&hm__ha=01_7c46bad3422d0cdca7eb 2a19665baa04b8215e27be87fc0a26 3572aa20819905&oneredir=1
Red X's are not funny:P

[PonyUP]

A Penguin is driving across Nevada, as he is a penguin, he naturally has the AC blasting. After awhile, the check engine light comes on. So he pulls into a town and takes it to a mechanic. the mechanic says he'll take a look, should only be about a half hour or so to figure out whats wrong.

So the Penguin decides to go for a walk, but the heat really starts to get to him. Finally he runs across an ice cream shop and he figures thats a good place to cool off. So he goes in and orders a big cup of vanilla ice cream. Obviously with his flippers, it makes it tough to eat neatly.

He finishes up his ice cream and heads back to the mechanic. The mechanic comes out and says

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal"

The Penguin responds "No, no, I swear, it's ice cream"

[CBT]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous younger than me ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, non-stop sex we used to have together, sometimes her hot girlfriends would join us. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in hooking up again for a few hour quickie. 'I don't
know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.' She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'. 'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days, ot to mention my lack of muscle tone, my teeth not as white as they used to be. She laughed and told me to stop being silly. She teased me, saying that gray-haired, older men really turned her on, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then she giggled 'I've put on a little weight myself!' So I told her to **** off.

[LeoVampire]

A friend posted it on Facebook and I found it on line and thought you all would get a good laugh out of it! Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=klaatu42&annotation_id=annotation_30301 2&feature=iv

[Mr. Man]

A friend posted it on Facebook and I found it on line and thought you all would get a good laugh out of it! Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=klaatu42&annotation_id=annotation_30301 2&feature=iv
That was funny.:lol:

[Krytin]

Here's a good one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaxharWluFw&feature=player_embedded

[Mr. Man]

That's the same ^^^^one as Dave's. Still funny though:)

[LeoVampire]

Here's a good one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaxharWluFw&feature=player_embedded

LOL beat you to that one but it is an awesome video non the less.

[lwblumjr]

Hi all,

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A guy is in a terrible car accident and is rushed to the hospital. His family and friends are gathered around waiting to hear if he will live or die. The doctor comes in and says he has had a serious head injury and will die if he doesn't receive an operation. He explains that he needs a brain transplant but that it is an experimental proceedure so the operation will be done for free. Unfortunately, the brain will have to be paid for. After a bit of looking around someone finally asks what it will cost for the brain. The doctor says "That depends. It's $2000 for a liberal brain or $200 for a conservative brain". Again the folks are looking around with the liberal folks kind of snickering to themselves. Finally someone asks, "Why is there a price difference between the brains?" "Well", the doctor explains, "the conservative brains have to be sold at a discount because they've been used."

[Mr. Man]

Hi all,

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A guy is in a terrible car accident and is rushed to the hospital. His family and friends are gathered around waiting to hear if he will live or die. The doctor comes in and says he has had a serious head injury and will die if he doesn't receive an operation. He explains that he needs a brain transplant but that it is an experimental procedure so the operation will be done for free. Unfortunately, the brain will have to be paid for. After a bit of looking around someone finally asks what it will cost for the brain. The doctor says "That depends. It's $2000 for a liberal brain or $200 for a conservative brain". Again the folks are looking around with the liberal folks kind of snickering to themselves. Finally someone asks, "Why is there a price difference between the brains?" "Well", the doctor explains, "the conservative brains have to be sold at a discount because they've been used."
Wait for it.....and there it is:lol:

[CobraSVT657]

A man walks into Barnes & Nobles and asks the clerk " do you have that new book about men with a short *****?"


The Cherk replies "I'm not sure if it in yet"


The man said " Yes thats the one I'll take a copy"

[LeoVampire]

A man walks into Barnes & Nobles and asks the clerk " do you have that new book about men with a short *****?"


The Cherk replies "I'm not sure if it in yet"


The man said " Yes thats the one I'll take a copy"


:lol: even the book needs help

[Spectragod]

3 Kids Fishing........


Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'

Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.'

[SC Cheesehead]

After the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.


Is it just me or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?

[Haggis]

After the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.


Is it just me or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
According to you the Fudge Packers left a lot of sore....butt holes.

[Spectragod]

What women REALLY want and the WHY behind it
1. a man that is assertive, so he can decide where to eat because i refuse to pick a spot, but will certainly complain if his choice isnt good.
2. an honest man, but one that wont tell me im fat when i ask him how i look in this dress
3. a patient man, so i can try on 100 outfits before i go out to to a simple dinner
4. a man that doesnt interrupt me, but will order for me at a restaurant
5. a man that can please me, but only when im in the mood for it
6. a man that has his career together "sugar daddy", so i can go shopping while he's at work
7. a man that can give me the attention i need, and just apologize even though i was being a b1tch
8. a man that gives good foot massages, as you know, walking around the mall spending his money is tiring
9. a man that can cook, cuz sometimes i dont feel like trying on 50 outfits for dinner
10. a sensitive man, so he can read the hints when i really wanted that new car or purse at the mall

11. a man that likes to share....the remote, his bank account, his car, pretty much give up any of his livelihood before i even have to ask
12. a man with a sense of humor, one that will find it funny when he finds me in bed with his best friend
13. a man that likes kids, so i know if i found a keeper to watch ours while im out shopping and hangin with the girls
14. a man that gets along with my parents...mix them drinks and refill the propane on their trailer at least once a week
15. a man with a lot of friends, so i can scope out the talent in case i get bored
16. a simple man, one that can wear clothes from marshall's so that the rest of his money can go to me
17. a handy man, one that knows how to use his own hand to please himself in case he's in the dog house
18. a man with ambition, i need a man who is always thinking about making more money for me
19. a man who doesnt give up, if one dozen roses to say sorry wasnt enough, send more dammit, send some to my friends while you are at it too.
20. a brad pitt look a like, cuz you know, im hotter than angelina myself

21. a man who isnt afraid to cry, i need to know when i hit his soft spot so i can keep using it against him.
22. a man who likes to cuddle, and will watch reruns of Desperate Housewives, Sex In The City, and E! News over the live Superbowl
23. a man that likes to gamble, in case i dont feel like telling him i didnt use protection when i cheated on him last week
24. a man with a magical tongue, because my battery operated boyfriend does a better job of pounding me
25. a religious man, one that will just say Thank God you are home safe, when i come home late from a night of hootchin with my gals
26. a romantic man, one that will whisper me sweet nothings, write me poems....so i can brag to my friends and tell them how whooped i got my man
27. a man that is a good driver, as to guarantee i dont miss my hair/nail appointments, and of course those big sales at bloomie's
28. a man with a lot of energy, cuz damn, why should he be sleeping when their are graveyard shift jobs
29. a man with a lot of confidence...one that actually "thinks" i will stand by his side so that he doesn't suspect i'm having affairs while he's busy at work
30. a man that likes to clean up around the house...why should me and my other boyfriend have to do our own dishes?

31. a virgin, so that he thinks im the tightest thing in the world, not really knowing that i used to be president of the Mile High Fisted Club
32. a great food connisseur that can enjoy good seafood...one that won't complain about my raunchy smelling oyster when he's going downtown
33. a man with strong character...one who won't get embarrassed when i send him out to buy my feminine products
34. a man who is prompt, and who will show up to his dates with me on time...cuz you know, time is precious, and the next 5 guys of the night are all waiting too
35. a nurturing man, one who will pamper me when im ill and make me all better. i dont want to get my other bfs sick too, geez.
36. a man that can carry a conversation...that way during those long road trips, he can keep himself company while i sleep or or talk to my gfs on the cellie
37. a humble man, one that doesnt mind rolling in a hooptie (on his own of course), to save money for the gifts he still needs to buy me
38. a man with his own nice place...me and my girls need some place to do our dirt while he's away at work
39. a man that will idolize me...just in case the men drooling and throwing $1 bills at me on stage isnt enough for my ego
40. a man with a blackberry...in case its still not clear to him what i need, i'll just email him all my demands

[SC Cheesehead]

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse."

Oh, Little Tony said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, t isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

[SC Cheesehead]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented German voice said. "This is Hans, down here at the Rod and Gun Club in Eagle River, Wisconsin.. I am callin' to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Hans," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Hans, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Herman, my next-door-neighbor Walter, and the whole pool team from the Rod & Gun. That makes eight!"

Barack paused, "I must tell you, Hans, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Hans. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Hans called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Hans?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Henry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Hans, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Hans. "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Hans rang again the next day... "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Oscar's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the coffee shop have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Hans, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Hans, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Hans called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Hans, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."




Gotta love them Cheeseheads! :D

[Mr. Man]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented German voice said. "This is Hans, down here at the Rod and Gun Club in Eagle River, Wisconsin.. I am callin' to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Hans," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Hans, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Herman, my next-door-neighbor Walter, and the whole pool team from the Rod & Gun. That makes eight!"

Barack paused, "I must tell you, Hans, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Hans. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Hans called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Hans?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Henry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Hans, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Hans. "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Hans rang again the next day... "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Oscar's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the coffee shop have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Hans, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Hans, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Hans called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Hans, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."




Gotta love them Cheeseheads! :D
Hard enough feeding 2 million Wisconsin Cheeseheads:P:D

[SC Cheesehead]

Hard enough feeding 2 million Wisconsin Cheeseheads:P:D

Yeah, do you have ANY idea how much beer that takes.... :D

[CBT]

I don't get it.....

[SC Cheesehead]

I don't get it.....

F.I.B., it figures....:lol:

[CBT]

F.I.B., it figures....:lol:
Hang on, I got one.....

[CBT]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

[Mr. Man]

Here's a couple for you SCCheesehead :D


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.



How do you know when you're staying in a South Carolina hotel?

"When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink."

and the person at the front desk says "go ahead".

[Fosters]

http://ragecollection.com/rages/2071.png

[CBT]

There was a ragged old man who shuffled into a waterfront bar one afternoon. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player, and business was falling off.

"What do you do ??" he asked.

"I'm retired", was the answer. "As a matter of fact I'm a retired Navy Chief, but since I retired I've done nothing but drink, chase the ladies and play the piano."

Now really unsure, the barkeep decided to give him a try . . . . he really
needed more business.

"The piano is over there . . . . give it a go and we will see how well you
play."

The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons
snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every
voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music,
unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't
a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old sailor a beer and told him he really sounded good. "What do you call that song?", he asked the old sailor.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skirt, Baby, We're Gonna Rock The Boat Tonight' ", said the old chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The crowd winced along with the bartender, but the piano player went on.

"I've got another," and he began to play again.

What followed was a knee-slapping, hand-clapping, bit of ragtime that had
the place jumping. People were coming in from the street to hear this guy
play. After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the
crowd the song was called, 'Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out.' He
then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

After thinking a bit the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how
bad he looked or what his songs were called.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job. But then he noticed the old man's fly was undone and his
anchor was hanging out.

He said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it !!"

[Krytin]

Now THAT^^^^ was funny!!

[SC Cheesehead]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.


When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:


"Father..., During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."


The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."


"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."


The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."


"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."


"And what is that?" asked the priest.


"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Mr. Man]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.


When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:


"Father..., During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."


The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."


"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."


The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."


"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."


"And what is that?" asked the priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?''

I'd keep it under my hat Rex, Terry might not take it well:D:lol:

[rayjay]

..........

[Mr. Man]

A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home." :D

[SC Cheesehead]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[PonyUP]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


:lol: That's a good one. I was expecting since Obama took over, Hell owns most of the US so it's internal. your punchline is much better

[fastblackmerc]

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

OK, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

10. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

15. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

16. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

18. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

19. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[CBT]

I like number 12, lol. It reminds of the saying "Any ship can be a submarine. Once."

[SC Cheesehead]

#1 and #3 are at the top of my list of favorites.

[fastblackmerc]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

I had amnesia once---or twice

I went to San Francisco .. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[CBT]

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?




Never thought of that way, that's a dang good question.

[PonyUP]

Never thought of that way, that's a dang good question.

That's because your "gifts" are supposed to be left in a plain white unsealed envelope when you show up at the escorts apartment.

[Haggis]

That's because your "gifts" are supposed to be left in a plain white unsealed envelope when you show up at the escorts apartment.

Or the Hampton Inn in Louisville.

[PonyUP]

Or the Hampton Inn in Louisville.

Hey, both of those rooms were comp'd, I was on the VIP plan :D

[SC Cheesehead]

Hey, both of those rooms were comp'd, I was on the VIP plan :D

VIP plan, 'cha, right.

Nicky's Escort Service....

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nickys-escort-service/140143762669586?sk=photos

[Joe Walsh]

The difference explained....



Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

When we met at the restaurant he didn't seem excited to see me and he hardly paid any attention to me.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Car idles rough, can't figure it out.

[Mr. Man]

The difference explained....



Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

When we met at the restaurant he didn't seem excited to see me and he hardly paid any attention to me.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Car idles rough, can't figure it out.
:eek:Boy is Marianne going to be mad:mad2: at you for reading and posting her diary thoughts. :bigcry:
Sucks to be you when she finds out.....after Paula talks to her on the phone tonight:D

[fastblackmerc]

This is serious please help!!!!
***
****Since *September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our *generation. *We have banded together to overcome adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a *myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, *we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet. ****

Hundreds *of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be *locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. **And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life *giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the *upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a *month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen *projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable *during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the *problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, *and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a *lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference *between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean *cruise. *For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a *month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a monvth of medical insurance, but *to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily *salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a *player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old *Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I *KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete *financial report on the player you sponsor. *Detailed information *about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment *holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this *program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging *during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed *photo, please include an additional $150). *Put the photo on your *refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL *HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NFL player will be told that he has a *SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the *player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to *your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for *unforeseen expenses.
**

Remember, *a lifestyle is a horrible thing to *waste...

---------------------------------------------------------
YES, *I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. *My preference is (check below):

[ ] Offense *[ ] *Defense *[ ] Special Teams *[ ] Entire team*

Please *charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the *lockout. *Please send me a picture of the player and my very own *Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include *$80 for hat).

Your Name: ____________________Telephone Number: *___________________
Account *Number: __________________Exp.Date:___ ____

[ ] *MasterCard **[ ] Visa **[ ] American Express *[ *] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card *(when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: *_______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard **[ *] Visa **[ ] American Express **[ ] *Other

Signature: *______________________

P.S. *If you have a *little extra, please enclose for the cheerleaders. Contrary to *public opinion, cheerleaders are people *too.

Have you no compassion for your fellow mankind?

[SC Cheesehead]

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees
will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[SC Cheesehead]

It’s been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill.

Due to the heat wave, health experts in the Midwest are telling people to “go easy on their workouts.” People in the Midwest responded, “What workouts?"

It’s very hot outside, but at least all of that snow from January is finally beginning to melt.

Why do they give heat warnings? I think I’m pretty good at figuring out that it’s hot on my own.

I think we should switch to Celsius. In Europe, it rarely goes over 40 degrees.

[Dr Caleb]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Alberta, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Alberta are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and
producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
"But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Ottawa, Ontario. Just wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[Bradley G]

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars
end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our
country and we got a little busy, OK?
Sincerely,
The Mayans





Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving
'til 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns





Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and
have no blood pumping through them, they can
never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic





Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's
a b*tch, eh?
Sincerely,
The Titanic





Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your
punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada





Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know -
let's Yahoo! it."
Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google





Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president
is black -- WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985





Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle





Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding!
They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP





Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed





Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv..xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder





Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World





Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color...
Sincerely,
Black people





Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain... no one wants to run with me
either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin






Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere





Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies





Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol





Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans





Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words
into nice words, you piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User





Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die.
CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified





Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore





Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

[MERCMAN]

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it
became optional and now it's legal.
I'm getting the hell out before Obama makes it mandatory."

GySgt Harry Berres, USMC

[Spectragod]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[05crownsport]

LMAO......:lol:
I wish they had a place to practice...then there wouldn't be any left!

[Fosters]

LMAO......:lol:
I wish they had a place to practice...then there wouldn't be any left!

that's why I disagreed with Osama's burial at sea thing. I would have made him a nice shrine... in the middle of a mine field.

That joke above reminds me of Achmed the dead terrorist (can't post youtube link at work) :D

[SC Cheesehead]

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic..
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\/

http://enhanced.charter.net/viewattachment?sessionId=sw_Ga eso-532279&accountId=&folder=Trash&uid=56012&part=1







If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic.


(Tip of the hat to Brother Casey for sharing the above public service announcement)

[gdsqdcr]

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic..
|
|
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\/




http://enhanced.charter.net/viewattachment?sessionId=sw_Ga eso-532279&accountId=&folder=Trash&uid=56012&part=1




If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic.


(Tip of the hat to Brother Casey for sharing the above public service announcement)



I see a red x ... guess I am not an alcoholic.

[SC Cheesehead]

I see a red x ... guess I am not an alcoholic.


Odd, the pic shows when I go into "edit" mode, but not when I save it.

Let's try this...

[Haggis]

Odd, the pic shows when I go into "edit" mode, but not when I save it.

Let's try this...

Awww...those aren't real. :(

[Krytin]

Odd, the pic shows when I go into "edit" mode, but not when I save it.

Let's try this...


She must get terrible back aches.








I'd like to be her Chiropractor!!

[05crownsport]

Castors would help....just like that turtle with a missing leg.

[Chayton]

whats brown and sticky.......































a stick :D

[Spectragod]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’


I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

[Baconbit]

HAHA epic...Why do midgets laugh when they run???...Cuz the grass tickles their nutz...:burnout::beer::lol:

[Mr. Man]

HAHA epic...Why do midgets laugh when they run???...'cause it's fun to run around Doomie's condo and he can't catch them...:burnout::beer::lol::ba nana:Fixed.....:D

[Mr. Man]

Doomie died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived Doomie thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of Titan owners. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy, unbelievably handsome with an amazing smile. Well, I bashed him over the head with my bat and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.:D

[CWright]

There were 2 guys who bacame friends at 3 years old and ended up being life long friends. Growing up the both fell in love with the game of baseball. John was the pitcher and Jerry was the catcher. They went through little league, middle school, high school, college, and then on to softball together loving this game so much. They just could not get enough of it. Well the time had come where they both could not handle the game anymore but would get out in the yard for an occational game of catch. They used to have lengthy conversations and debates on whether or not baseball existed in Heaven. They also made a pact that which ever one went first they would do their best to send a message back if baseball was there or not. One day Jerry's health turned for the worse and he passed away at 80 years old. When he got to Heaven he met Christ, after a few days he was walking around asking, is there baseball up here anywhere so I can play? He was pointed in the right direction and came upon a baseball game with all the big name guys playing. He was so excited! He knew he somehow had to get word back down to John that there IS basball in Heaven. So he went to Christ begging him to let him get word to John. After a while his wish was granted. He was able to come back down himself to tell John in person. When he appeared to John, John about freaked out! John asked, "Well, is there baseball in Heaven?" I really have to know. Jerry told him " I've good some good news and I have some bad news!" The good news is there IS baseball in Heaven." John was so beside himself with excitement and then he asked, "What's the bad news?" Well,"The bad news is you are scheduled to pitch tomorrow."

[Spectragod]

THE U.S. RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Fosters]

Cowboy Solution

Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!


And there is more.............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

[Haggis]

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

This is the best thing you have ever posted. :up: :rofl:

[MyBlackBeasts]

Roflmao!!!

[Mr. Man]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and
said “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop.” The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with
me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.” She kept her eyes on the
sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said “Get in with me and
I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!” Finally, the girl turned
and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Chevy, YOU ride in it!!!”:lol:

[Local Boy]

How can you tell when your mistress is getting fat?


When she starts stealing your wifes cloths.


What do you tell a woman who has two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice...

Aloha

[Mr. Man]

How can you tell when your mistress is getting fat?


When she starts stealing your wife's cloths.


What do you tell a woman who has two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice...

Aloha
Ladies please send your hate mail to:

Local Boy

C/O Hawaiian Islands, USA:D

[Fosters]

Not really a joke, but pretty funny to watch:

9E4LDUe5K_4

and my take on it:

vet2tVNmZHo

[Mr. Man]

Wonder why so many Chinese cars have cameras?

[Fosters]

Wonder why so many Chinese cars have cameras?

Probably to prove who caused the crash you're inevitably going to find yourself into. :o

[Mr. Man]

A doctor was addressing a large audience. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, 'Wedding Cake.':D

[TAKEDOWN]

JeeeZzZ... Imagine the damage if it were in snow or icy sleet conditions!

[SC Cheesehead]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female housemate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's housemate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear Mama,



I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:



Dear Son,



I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her


OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama

Moral of the story: NEVER lie to your Mama ..

[SC Cheesehead]

HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions..

At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO ...., OLE MISS".

At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

[Spectragod]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first
meeting with the devil. The devil asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world
and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!
You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack,
or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
"I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The devil said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[Baconbit]

Why do midgets laugh when they run???..........Cuz the grass tickles their nuts!:lol:

[Spectragod]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday .... minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.


A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me..



The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.


For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today... bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver..

[SC Cheesehead]

An usher in a posh Amarillo theater was walking down the theater aisle and noticed what was an apparent drunken cowboy sprawled across three entire seats in one row.

Th Usher stopped, bent over, and whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge.

The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.

Finally they had enough and summoned the police.

A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "Alright buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the Cowboy moaned.

"Where ya'all come from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, "The Balcony..."

[Blackmobile]

One day a man, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
“It’s certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and asks, “how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?
“Ten years!” he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man!” “Is that ever good!”
She then asks him, “How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”
Trembling, he replies, “Ten Years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, “Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic!”
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks,
“And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Oh sweet Lord God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there.”

[Mr. Man]

A guy decides to bring his girlfriend to a Packers game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And she says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

GO GIANTS! :D

[Fosters]

In a small village John finally goes to church after many years. The priest notices him and after the sermon catches up with him and says
"John, it's good to see you finally make it out to the sermon, what changed your mind about joining us after all these years?"
"Well, you see father, I lost my hat a week ago and I know that Joe has one just like mine, so I figured he'll have to put it in the clothes hanger by the door, and I could just take his on the way out.".
Surprised the priest says
"ok... well, it's good to see that you didn't take it, what made you change your mind?"
"Well, the part on the 10 commandments, honestly".
With tears in his eyes, the priest says
"Ahh, so when I said 'Thou shalt not steal' you decided burning in hell for eternity wasn't worth stealing the hat?"
"No, but after the part about "thou shalt not commit adultery" I remembered where I left it."

----------------------

A drunk guy swerving all over the place gets stopped by the police. Cop goes:
"License and registration please!"
Guy gives him his license after poking around the car for a while, during which time the cop asks him
"Where are you headed this late at night and so intoxicated?"
"I'm going to a conference on the bad health and economical effects of alcohol consumption..."
"A conference? At 1am? Who holds a conference like that at this time of night?"
to which the drunk replies:
"My wife... and probably my mother in law too."

------------------------------

A jew from Russia is finally allowed by the state to immigrate to Israel. In the airport in moscow, the russians check his luggage and find a bust of Lenin, and so they ask him:
"What's this?"
The jew replies: "You should not be asking what this is, but who is this? This is Lenin, the great leader that laid the foundation of socialism and brought equality and prosperity to the russian people. So I took it as a rememberence of great and prosper times!"

Happy with the answer, Russian customs let him go.
He gets to Tel Aviv, where the jewish customs stop him over the bust asking what that is.
The jew replies: "You should not be asking what this is, but who is this? This is Lenin, the bastard because of whom I left Russia, so I took him with me so I can curse him every day!"

Happy with the answer, the jewish customs let him go.

The guy goes home, puts the bust on a pedestal in the living room. Shortly after, he has a family reunion party, at which a young boy comes up and asks him "Who is this?"

The jew replies: "You should be asking what is this not who this is. This is 30lbs of pure gold!"

[Blackmobile]

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

[rayjay]

Subject: Lying Robot



A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
Dad asks his son, "Where were you today during school?" The son says, "At school." *Robot slaps son* "Ok, I went to the movies. "Dad says, "Which one? "The son says, "Toy Story." *Robot slaps son again* "Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star. "Dad says, "WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was." *Robot slaps dad* Mom says, "HAHA!! After all he is your son." *Robot slaps mom* LOL.

[Blackmobile]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was clearly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you'.

[Mr. Man]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[Paul T. Casey]

How to Remove a Stump with a Bow

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Letʼs face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.
Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a curious look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two. Momʼs house cat who was stalking whatever it was stalking did not look too good, fact was it was on its back with its hair and I mean all of its hair sticking straight out, looked like it just got a bath and was not dry yet..

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sumbich got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE.
DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway.
All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know
- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on.
I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been complaining about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery.
It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

[CBT]

A socialist, an illegal immigrant, and a muslim walk into a bar. Bartender says "So what can I get you, Mr. President?"

[boatmangc]

Serious question about my love.
Daily Serious Advise Column:


I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse
and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.


Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME ASAP -- I NEED TO GO FISHING.

[Fosters]

http://www.nochucknorris.com/

[Blackmobile]

“Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “C”..Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraceful, and they will go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be droped from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor troubls or difikultis and enviun vill find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

[Blackmobile]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters.........
"He's the pizza delivery guy!"

[CBT]

Redneck: Give me 3 packets of condoms please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that?

Redneck: Nah.....She's not that ugly.

[Mr. Man]

One day an old poodle starts chasing butterflies in the African bush and before long,
he discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of
having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as
the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
around here"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," Says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly
had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the
old poodle sees Him heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up
with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, Monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving Canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I
sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story...Don't mess with old farts...age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill! :geezer:


Geezer gang rules:D

[CBT]

Yeah I think this qualifies for the joke thread.

Pot, meet Kettle....


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/20/mexico-calderon-accuses-us_n_1022761.html

[guspech750]

:lol:



http://tapatalk.com/mu/6387a3ad-aa93-69a6.jpg

LMAO!!


---
- Sent from my iPhone
Eaton Swap = Wreeeeeeeeeedom!!

[05crownsport]

Yeah I think this qualifies for the joke thread.

Pot, meet Kettle....


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/20/mexico-calderon-accuses-us_n_1022761.html

Amen to that....funny stuff!

[guspech750]

Yeah I think this qualifies for the joke thread.

Pot, meet Kettle....


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/20/mexico-calderon-accuses-us_n_1022761.html

Awwwwww. That's a cute funny story. I may actually sleep better tonight.


---
- Sent from my iPhone
Eaton Swap = Wreeeeeeeeeedom!!

[SC Cheesehead]

http://stuffucanuse.com/thumbnail-pictures/beer-turns-men-to-women.jpg

[Krytin]

Yeah I think this qualifies for the joke thread.

Pot, meet Kettle....


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/20/mexico-calderon-accuses-us_n_1022761.html

I like this part the best....

Rafael Fernandez de Castro, head of the International Relations studies at the Monterrey Technological Institute, told the conference that about 200,000 Mexicans per year are returning to their country, and that Mexican schools are facing a new problem: tens of thousands of Mexican children are coming back each year with little or no Spanish.
"In the last couple of school years in Mexico, literally tens of thousands of children have turned up with last names like Sanchez, Fernandez, or Hinojosa and, it must be said, they don't speak Spanish, they speak English," Fernandez de Castro said. "We have to ask California and Texas how they managed to integrate these Mexican children who went to the United States and didn't speak English."

Pay-back's a.............

ain't it!

[Fosters]

I like this part the best....

Rafael Fernandez de Castro, head of the International Relations studies at the Monterrey Technological Institute, told the conference that about 200,000 Mexicans per year are returning to their country, and that Mexican schools are facing a new problem: tens of thousands of Mexican children are coming back each year with little or no Spanish.
"In the last couple of school years in Mexico, literally tens of thousands of children have turned up with last names like Sanchez, Fernandez, or Hinojosa and, it must be said, they don't speak Spanish, they speak English," Fernandez de Castro said. "We have to ask California and Texas how they managed to integrate these Mexican children who went to the United States and didn't speak English."

Pay-back's a.............

ain't it!

I call BS. If they all speak english only, why on earth do we have every damn 1-800 number and every welfare application form available in spanish?

[Krytin]

Out of 200,00 returning every year - tens of thousands don't speak spanish. The school age ones.

[Blackmobile]

First Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he had never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being the first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, ‘come on in’.
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend. “I had no idea you were so religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back. “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

[SC Cheesehead]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastage! You've been playing golf!'

[SC Cheesehead]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

[Spectragod]

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem... The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,
a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby
Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for
$500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper
again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the
$500.00.

[Spectragod]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out
of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.

Please, take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then, sell my new car. Take my front door key away from me and
throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me
again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my
brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like
that. She actually said...

"Dad I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."

[SC Cheesehead]

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

[guspech750]

Cubs.

http://tapatalk.com/mu/638e200d-d288-86ad.jpg


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- Sent from my iPhone
Eaton Swap + 4.10's = Wreeeeeeeeeedom!!

[SC Cheesehead]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

[Spectragod]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Dr Caleb]

A cowboy saunters up to a First Nations fella hanging around the liquor store in Cold Lake, Alberta....

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of utter amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[SC Cheesehead]

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'